


This ain't a noose...

by creativwritingmind



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Friendship, Mental Illness, Powerplay, Sexual Domination, non-sexual domination
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-10-12 23:48:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 25
Words: 69,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10502013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creativwritingmind/pseuds/creativwritingmind
Summary: The maesure of a man is what he does with power...Taking control over Tyler does not only change him...it changes Jenna and Josh too.





	1. Chapter 1

"Josh, you need to come over here, quick!" Jenna had cried into the phone. Without even bothering to take pants on Josh had snatched his keycard (luckily Tyler and him still exchanged the keys to their rooms, even if the drummer stricktly sticked to the < knock first > policy since Jenna was with them) and stormed across the hallway into his friends' room. "Jen!" he called, once inside, and heard her muffled answer. "We're in the bathroom!" Pushing the door open Josh lunged into the small tiled room...and froze. "What the heck.....?" Looking up to him with red puffy eyes Jenna leaned half into a bathtube full of water and ice cubes, her arms slung underneath her naked husbands one, holding his unconscious form up.

"He fainted, I can' get him out!" she sniffed, obviously close to panic. Deciding to file his questions for later Josh came into action then, let his arms slip into the shocking cold liquid and pulled his friend up, shivering on the contact with his icecold skin. Awkwardly shifting Tyler in his arms he brought the younger outside then, to the hotelbed and layed him down, only to be pushed aside by Jenna. Silent the drummer watched her take off the handcuffs he just recognised, pulled the blankets close around her husband and checked his vital signs. 

"I guess he's ok so far." she finally sighed, sitting down beside him and letting her head fall into her hands. "Jeez, for a moment I thought we'd went to far!" As if she had forgotten that Josh was still beside her the blonde flinched on the wound up sound of his voice. "What where you doing anyway?" Eying the handcuffs and reminizing the fact that Tyler was stark naked he added quick: "Or better, don't tell me! I think I just want to forget this real quick!" Never before had he seen Jenna blushing, she normally was confident as hell, but right then th colour of her face nearly matched the one of the merch-shirt she wore. 

"It's...it's not what you think!" she stammered finally, when Tyler stirred a little beside her and both of them felt the relief on it. Letting her hand stroke through his hair she avoided the drummers eyes. "Well...whatever this" Josh gestured between her and Tyler, "is, it's not my buisiness! Just try not to kill each other in the process!" 

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Curiousity killed the cat. It did not kill Josh though, but it drove him crazy. He kind of had expected Tyler to bring the incident up sooner or later, but the singer just overplayed it as if nothing would have happened. For a while Josh pulled through, but the itching in his brain didn't die down, so he tried to start a conversation with giving rude hints. "I'm heading for the shower!" "Don't forget the ice." Looking at him confused Tyler shrugged and left, giving no hint about if he had got the bait. 

It went on for a few days and slowly Josh became the vision that his friend didn't even knew what had happened. So when Mark and Tyler did some shots for their that day Josh creept closer to Jenna, who was standing side stage, watching. "He has not the slightest idea I was there, am I right?" he whispered in her ear, making her jump. "Joshua! Never do this again!" The intensity with that this was thrown his way made him shiver and he retreated a bit, giving her room to turn and face him. 

"I thought you said it's none of your buissnes?" Jenna answered finally, tilting her head and fixing him with her steel blue eyes. "Well...I was wrong. I mean...you handcuffed him! He's my friend, I gotta make sure he's alright with that." Smirking amused the blonde crossed her arms before her chest then. "You can bet he's alright with it...he loves it to be specific." Feeling a rush of heat rising to his face Josh cleared his throat nervously. "No, serious Jen, I'm not interested in details of your sex-life...but what the two of you doing is...concordant?" "There is a consense, but it's not about sex." Fighting the voice inside his head that told him not to state that question Josh lowered his voice as there were some people coming closer. "Then what is it about?" Shooting her husband, who was still performing for Marks camera, a glance Jenna sighed, turned around and gestured him to follow. "Come, not here." 

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Running his hands over his face Josh tried to process what he had just heared. "You're not freaking out on this, aren't you?" Jenna asked cautiously, biting her lower lip. Taking a deep breath the drummer leaned back and looked at her. "No. It's just...I mean....this whole concept of < subbing >....this just seems to be so not Tyler at all! He's such a controll freak!" "That's kind of the point." "I get that. But I just can't picture him...obeying to you in that way. To anyone, to be clear." Playing with the ring on her finger Jenna tried to mask her insecurity about letting Josh know. "Still he does. Tyler is under permanent pressure, you out of all people should know that. There's the expectations the fans have in him, the one's of the label, his family, his church...he always tries to satisfy everyones hopes and fantasies. It erodes him. So from time to time I slow him down. I take the lead. He just let' s go for while, just for a few hours. He needs that, it keeps him grounded." 

Starring at the wall for a while Josh took his time to answer. "Who did come up with it in first place?" "We both. We searched for ways to get rid of his permanent tension and stumbled across a blog about power play. And that's it, nothing else. There's absolutly no domination when whe sleep with each other. We're equall when it comes down to this. But when Tyler is in his subspace he's mine...in every sense of the word." "I can't imagine..." his words dying down as he realised how somewhat logical that sounded Josh frowned his brows. Not moving, not changing her warm smile Jenna waited for a while until she adressed him again. "What do you think about?" Blushing the drummer practically shot up then and stretched awkwardly. "Nothing. We should go back." 

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

For the next weeks Josh kept a close eye on his best friend. He observed Tyler in various interactions with a constantly changing stream of people, as well as in all the silent minutes theys got on the bus with Jenna beside him. There was no hint, not a single trace of what Jenna had told, and slowly Josh began to doubt what she had said. Maybe this was just a prank and the bathtube incident had been a sexkink gone wrong or something. He learned that he were wrong through a rather unpleasent happening. 

They were into the fifth song of the concert when Michael told them to stop immediatly and tell the people that there had been a problem with the electrical support and they would continue soon. Neither Josh nor Tyler knew what he meant, as everything went well, but they couldn't respond while they were playing and rules of their team said that they had to follow Micheals orders as he was head of their security. So they stopped and went backstage, only to be surrounded by police and security in seconds and pushed and pulled down the hallways. "What the hell is going on?" Tyler screamed, grabbing Michaels arm, trying to stop him. "We got a bomb threat. We gotta take you out of here ASAP." the older told him, dragging him along with ease, although the singer started to kick and cry. "Let me go! We need to tell the people, we need to get them out, we...." "Tyler, calm down! Police got it under controll..." 

What followed was a battle started by the singer turning around and taking off and Michael going right after him, locking his strong arms around his form and throwing him over his shoulder. Tyler freaked and trashed, but at that point his security didn't care. Josh had followed the whole scene shocked and didn't withstand when another of their crew took his arm and led him to follow. 

When they reached the bus on the outside Michael bellowed at everyone to get in the cars and then stepped inside, finally setting the singer free. Still Tyler was out of controll, yelling, cursing, shaking all over and slowly it dawned to his friend that he had a full on panic attack. Josh knew how to deal with the prevention of it, but he knew as well that there was nothing left to do then wait when it had hit already. Or he had thought it until that day. Entering the lobby, telling Michael to get out and leave them alone Jenna appeared out of nowhere, passed the drummer by, got close to the man who currently drove his fist against the floor again and again, screaming. 

Josh felt every little hair on his body stand straight as she spoke, a sudden heavyness in her voice that was magnetic, and he had to hold on to himself by any means not to follow her order even if he didn't understand as she snatched his friends chin and growled: "Tyler! Genua!" As sudden as he had began to panic as sudden the singer went down then, into a what seemed to be well trained position, his hands on his thights, his head bowed to the ground. Jenna stood above him, breathing heavy, but in a constant, slow rythm, letting her hand fall down to his head and her fingers play with one of his strands. "Good." she said after a while, after the bus had long started to move under them. Josh still stood like rooted to the ground and watched the scene fascinated.

Catching his gaze Jenna nodded in the direction of the bunks and waited for him to get there, before she let her hand slide down into her husbands neck and gripped him hard there. "Stay!" she ordered and followed the drummer, not closing the door between the areas, but lowering her voice to a whisper as well as he did. "That's it?" Josh asked in disbeliefe as she approached him, "one single word?" Giving another sigh the blonde leaned back on the wall. "I wish it were that easy!" Looking at his still unmoving, silent friend Josh raised an eyebrow. "You wanna tell me that was hard? Jenna...he's...like in trance or something just because you said...what was that anyway?" "Genua." she whispered back, "It's latin for kneel down. Orders are ever only spoken in that language as well as his safeword is." "His..." gasping and being torn between wanting to learn more and not hearing a single additional word, Josh shoock his head. 

Jenna took it as a cue to keep explaining. "It's not that he would ever had to use it. We're not crazy, ok? Well maybe just a little. But nontheless, it's part of the rules that he has one." Turning a little so she could watch Tyler and still were able to face his friend she let her head fall sidewards against the wall. "Normally this requieres preparation. We got a full circle of rituals before I make him kneel. To sub him this quick won't do him any good. He will be anxious and worn out tomorrow." Cocking his head to the side Josh still tried to understand so he could decide if this was just plausible oder incredibly wicked. "Why? Didn't you say it helps him?" Pushing herself off the wall and stepping beside him, making him flinch as she suddenly layed her hand on his shoulder Jenna squeezed it lightly before she left him standing. "It is more complex then you think, Joshua. Right now Tyler is alone with his thoughts, trapped inside his head and I need to distract him before it get's to much. I've got limited options and like I said, normally I plan this through, so...if you just could give us some privacy...I'd appreciate that." 

 

xxxxxxxxx

 

His body feeling heavy against the mattress Josh layed in his bunk eyes wide open, starring at the ceiling of the small space. All his senses and nervs fired up by the happenings of the evening made him dizzy and he was glad that they didn't had to encounter other people anymore. Their security had decided they would skip hotel night and just keep going, so they could leave what had been an false bomb alarm behind them. Neither Jenna nor Tyler had gone to sleep until now and the drummer couldn't help himself to let his thoughts wander to what the blonde did to his friend right now. 

Somewhere in the morning hours he driftet away finally and when he woke up again the first thing he realised was not being moved anymore, the busses engine standing still. Stummbling out of his bunk Josh quickly got changend and went to find other human life, learning that they had just stopped by a bigger gas station. While strolling through the corridors he snatched chips here and chewing gums there, not really paying heet to where he went until he nearly collided with his best friend. Tyler stood right before a shelf fulled with energy drinks and just starred at it blankly, blinking slowly and in long stretched intervals. For a second Josh was striken by what he had seen the evening before and tried to understand if Jenna had shut down her husband again, but something in the way the younger stood, how he seemed to recognise him standing beside, told the drummer that he were not gone. Not completly.

"Ty..." nervously biting his lip he reached out and touched the singers arm, earning a turn of a head, a slight smile. "I'm alright." "You didn't even know what I was going to say!" "I can assume." They both went silent as an old lady passed by, then Tyler out of a sudden snatched a Red Bull and left him standing. Taken back, but still observing Josh followed him.

They spent the day like always, together. Josh recognised the change. Like Jenna had said her husband was restless, pretty jumpy that day. Plus: The drummer registered that Tyler was a lot more touchy then usual and asked himself if whenever he had reconised that personality streak in the other, one of Jennas experiments had gone wrong. He didn't mind too much though, they were used to the closeness of their friendship and so feeling Tyler resting his head on his shouder during the wait for an interview was nothing new. New was the knowing smile Jenna gave him later. 

Josh managed to follow her on the outside, where she leaned on a balcony and talk to her alone for some minutes before he had to go back. "See, I told you he'll be off after that." "And what are you doing to reverse it?" "Subbing him propperly. Let him float and wake him up slowly." "When?" Not a bit surprised Jenna turned around and closed her eyes on the evening sun, tickeling her nose. "Why...do you wanna watch?" Catching him off guard with her direct answer Jenna chcukled on the shocked expression he tried to fake. "Oh, come on Josh, we both know you're curious!" For a second the drummer pondered to lie, but finally he shrugged. "Is it even possible? I mean...wouldn't it bother him?" Leaving a chill on his skin as she padded his arm lightly the blonde turned and walked in again. "I'll take care of that. Come to our room after the concert tonight."


	2. Chapter 2

Anticipation, fear, thrill...a mixture of pure adrenalin shot through his veins the moment Josh knocked on their door that evening. He was still high strung on the performance, the hotel hadn't been that far from the venue and so they decided to go there right after the show. Doing a quick shower and grabbing fresh clothes the drummer had hurried to get ready, as he knew Jenna would start the moment they were alone and he didn't want to miss anything. Of course he asked his conscience a few times if he was insane to not only find it alright what they did but also want to see, but in the end he supposed this was still inside he borders of friendship as Jenna had asured him that this wasn't a bit a bout sex.

It took a while until Jenna answered his knock and Josh nearly backed off, but the moment he started to retreat she opened the door and welcomed him with a warm smile. Unsure what to say the drummer leaned himself on the doorframe then nodding towards the room, whispering "Shall I stay...here or something?" Chuckling lightly the blonde took his hand then and pulled him in, closed the door behind him. Still he couldn't see the rest of the room as they all had small hallway-like corners. "It's alright, Josh, you can talk. He can't hear you." Raising an eyebrow suspicious the drummer followed as she closed her fingers around his and led him deeper into the room, ignoring the trembling that took ahold of him. 

Josh realised his breath rate speeding up as he got sight of his friend. Tyler sat on the bad, completly still, his chest naked, a blindfold around his head, headphones on his ears. It surprised the drummer, he had pictured this otherwise, with restrains involved. Sensing his confusion Jenna guided him a little closer. "These are special headphones. He can't hear anything beside his own breath and heartbeat right now. He'll not see or hear you." "Does he know..." "Of course, yeah, he knows you are here. But he thought it would distract him too much if he could communicate with you." In lack of a better reaction Josh shrugged. 

"And what are we doing now?" Giving him another light smirk Jenna sat down on the bed behind her husband and gestured him to take seat on a chair beside her. "You just sit there and watch." Following her order, feeling uneasy about how easy her commanding voice got to him Josh sat down. Jenna closed her eyes then for a moment, took some deep breaths before she slowly opened it again and let her hand slip into a bucket he just recognised. She pulled a washcloath out of the water and he could hear the sound of icecubes colliding. With cautious movements she began to drag it across Tylers still painted neck then, the singer flinching the moment she touched him. "That's the first step." she started to tell the man beside her. "Calming him down."

"You know, loosing the ability to see and hear leaves you vulnerable...he's afraid right now, but he knows that first I'm washing this paint off, so it's a constant that helps him to get quiet." Repeating her motion again and again Jennas face was strained, concentrated. Josh recognised how his friends reactions subsided to the point where the only thing giving away the coldness of the water were the goosbumps blossoming across Tylers skin. The black paint had been long gone and Jenna concluded with drying his neck, setting the clothes aside and starting to speak again. 

"Ok, now we'll let him go down slowly." Starring with his mouth hanging slightly open Josh watched in disbelieve how Tyler layed down on his back the second Jenna tapped his shoulder, outstretched, his arms above his head, clearly another trained pose he knew too well. Standing up Jenna passed the drummer by, picked up two silk cords and went back to her husband, who still waited, his chest falling and rising in a constant rythm. In awe Joah watched how she tied the singer down, secured his hands on the reiling of the bed before she vanished again. Being drawn in by the strange sight Josh kept his eyes fixed on Tyler, figuring out what kind of feeling it was that this woke in him. He nearly jumped up as Jenna switched her fingers before his eyes and broke the spell, put something in his hands telling him "Hold this for me, will ya?" and settled beside her husband again. 

With wide eyes Josh watched as she lit the candle she had given him and corrected it in his hands so it was upright, the wax pooling at the bottom of the wick. Jenna did not withdrew her fingers fast, she let them linger, her thumbs slightly stroking the back of his hands. "You're doing so good Josh." she said quietly, her eyes lightning up as she recognised the shudder that ran through him. Still she was focused on her task and reached to get an icecube out of the water. Concentrated, controlled Jenna started to trail the outline of her husbands tattoos with the sharp ice, freezing and scratching his skin. Josh's eyes followed her every movement, that was why he didn't got instantly when she reached out her other hand for the candle. He handed it to her though as she hummed lightly and sat back, crossing his arms and digging his nails into his ellbows. 

Jenna was kind of in her own space now. She didn't talk anymore, she focused on her hands, ran the ice over one of Tylers nipples before she tilted the candle and let the hot way splash just the same spot. Josh had expected as gasp, a moan, anything, but Tyler kept completly still, as if he were sleeping, the lines around his mouth frowning to a mask, the rising of his chest getting shallow. While a part of his brain freaked and told him to run, run as fast as he could the main portion of his being was completly blown away by the calmness, the peace, the beauty it held as Jenna continued over and over, painting his friends skin with wax and slight scratches, numbing his will to a point where he barely breathed at all. 

When she stopped, everything around them where silent, Tylers hands hanging limp into the restrains, useless, relaxed. Jenna blew out the candle, set it aside, looked down on him. "Josh...be quiet." she said, casual, along the way, but with a gravity that left a mark on him and the drummer suddenly found himself restraining his breath so it was not to be heared. Smirking satisfied the blonde reached for the headphones then and lifted them from the singers ears, placed them beside his head, let her fingers run up and down his nose, tangle into his hair. "You're doing so good...you're perfect...you're safe..." Leaning down and planting a feather light kiss on his lips she aspired a permission. "Loquere!" As if she would have breathed life into him Tyler suddenly did a deep sigh, moved his head in blind search of her lips. "More..." he answered, nearly audible, from far away, another world. 

This would have creeped out Josh finally, sent him fleeing, if not Jenna would have noticed. "Stay!" she hissed suddenly, vaguely into his direction and Josh could see Tyler go rigid under her in a second. Without knowing why the drummer turned to stone, couldn't move an inch. The calm came back when Jenna took controll of the situation again, took the headphones and whispered "Dormire!" into Tylers ear before she shut him off again. Preparing for her being angry Josh sat straight up, but the blonde just stood by the bed, gave him an exprobrare glance and then walked to the closet smiling. 

With a racing heart Josh waited for what would happen next. Taking another silky, but broader rope Jenna crawled up the bed, got settled on Tylers lap, sliding the fabric around his neck. The second she began to thighten it Josh had enough. He shot up and stumbled backwards, not able to decide what shocked him more: The fact that the blonde continued to choke his friend slowly while she looked coldly at him or the little part of his brain that wished to be in her place.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

"So Josh, has Tyler's marriage changed your bromance at all?" Laughing the drummer shrugged, hoping the interviewer would not get the nervous flinch of his hands. "Well, she makes him a better person." he gave the answer he had given so many times...only that he wasn't so sure of this anymore. Along the last night that Josh spent lying awake and cursing himself he had decided that he had totally approached this the wrong way. As much as he loved Jenna as a friend...Tyler was his soulmate, one of the most important persons in his life and he should have spoken to him about this right away. 

Instead Josh choose one of the maybe worst times to bring the topic up when they were stuck in traffic in a cab on their way back from a radio station to the venue. Tyler sat upright in his seat, his ellbow propped on the door, fingers absently streaking along the corners of his mouth. Josh instead tried to not too obviously eying him, searching for bruises or marks around the youngers neck. After a while Tyler sighed, let his hand fall into his lap and leaned his front on the window. "Why don't you just ask?" "Because it's weired and it frigthens me and as long as I don't have heared it from you I can always think this is no idea of yours." Turning his head a little and giving im a questioning glance Tyler scoffed. "Oh, come on, man, you should've known me better." 

Feeling a littlebit hurt on that the drummer crossed his arms before his chest. "Well, it seems like. But maybe you're just not who you're supposed to be..." "Wow, you learned our lyrics, I'm impressed!" It should have sounded jokingly but came out maybe a hint to bitter, and Joshs inner struggle did the rest of the way to change it into an insult. "Tyler, the two of you are crazy! The kneeling, the candle, ok, I get that all, really, I understand that you get off on it or something, but chocking? Throwing you into icewater with your hands tied? Dude, that's serious shit, that's not even kinky anymore!" Shaking his head dissapointed the younger balled his hands to fists. 

"I can't believe you get it this wrong." "What the hell is right about tying something around your neck and cut off your air? Tyler..." unlocking his arms, gripping the youngers shoulders and shaking him ligthly, "are you even aware of into what kind of horror movie the two of you are slipping? What if she fails to see when it's enough? What if you can't safe-word?" "Jenna never goes over our boundaries.." "Except that time she nearly drowned you in that goddam hotel bathtube!" Their heated conversation came to an halt then as Tyler seemed to be highly irritated by this. Josh knew that he maybe guessed wrong and he didn't wanted to stir his friend up against his wife, but at the same time he didn't wanted to be the one who lied too. 

"She didn't tell you I were there, right? You didn't knew that she filled me in before that thing in russia, on the bus. Tyler...did she even tell you that I was with you yesterday evening?" The cab started to move with a jolt causing them both to change positions. Tyler layed his hand around the top of the seat before him and let his head hang low while Josh sat straight and ran a hand over his eyes and mouth, where he let it linger for a moment before he spoke: "She told me you were ok with it. She lied to the both of us. She betrayed..." Interrupted rudely by his friend gripping his hand and squeezing it hard Tyler silened the drummer before he took on.

"Jenna has permission to do what she did. She has permission to do ANYTHING she wants, as long as it is in the matter of caring for me. I trust her and she would never bring someone along that I can't trust either." For some moments they both followed the chaos of cars around them, before Josh spoke up again. "Ty, this is not healthy. It may help you in the short term...but mark my words, this is going to destroy your marriage! You can't have a normal relationship with someone who does...that...to you. I know, Jenna told me you're equall outside of that game, but sooner or later that balance will tip over. You just can't hand yourself over to a person like this and not expect trouble." "Would you take advantage of it if you could?" "WHAT?" letting his shock be seen openly the drummer starred at his friend open mouthed. "I asked: If you were in Jennas position, would you use my trust agains me?" "I...I don't even...." hating to admit that the younger got a point, Josh hissed an unusual "Fuck!" then, glad that their cab finally reached their destination.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

"Ok now, could you embrace her and look a little posessive?" the photographer called. Cringing inwardly Josh turned to walk away from the camera shoot as he recognised Mark leaning on a wall close by, observing the scene. Strolling over to his friend the drummer nodded vaguely in the direction of the camera. "See something you like?" "That guy has nice equipment, but I got this gem of a model daily." Mark joked back flawlessly, a slight smile playing his lips. "They are perfect together" he got on after a while, "spoken in the artistical way. They have complementing features, they can translate energy into a picture...it's a pitty Jenna doesn't like to do this more." 

"Well I guess she likes her influences to be more subtle." Josh gnarrled then, not intendet, more intentual as he watched the blonde sling her arms around Tylers neck and look up at him servile. Unfortunatly Mark was too good of a friend to not recognise and pry. "What's the deal with you and Jen lately? You're kind of avoiding her, did you have an argument on who's gonna hold Tylers hand or something?" Swallowing a harsh comment about the singers hands and ropes Josh shook his head. "No. I've just realised that now that they are married I need to give them more space. Jenna is his wife, he should spent more time with her then with me, not the other way around."

Impressed Mark raised a brow, his interest now shifting to the friend beside him. "Joshua William Dun! Don't tell me you're about to grow up!" He could cherrish the attempt to lighten his mood with humour, still Josh got the worry written between the lines of the others words. "I just happen to think a lot about control lately." he got on, shrugging, looking to the ground, "And as I found there are a lot of things controlling me. I guess I just need some time and distance to figure out some questions life brought up about that."

 

xxxxxxxxx

 

Sending small mountains of foam in her direction with a wink of his hand Tyler stretched his neck and winced a little on the crack of his shoulderblades. Jenna observed him from across the bathtube for a moment, then slid deeper into the warm water, letting her foot slip up his body, until it came to lie on his chest, stroking him slowly with her toes. Tyler let his hands ran up and down her skin, tracing her ankle, leaning foreward suddenly and placing a kiss on her heel, making her laugh out. "I'm ticklish!" she exclaimed, trying to pull her foot back but he held on thight, his hand running further up upon her knee now, his mouth slowly following behind as he shifted in the warm water.

"You're beautiful." he answered somewhere along the way, when he carresed her sides, came up to her finally and kissed her, slow but with intensity. "You're different." Jenna breathed between their lips after they had shared a few moments of this, "what's wrong?" Not giving up on his task Tyler leaned into her side, tracing the shape of her ear with his tongue, kissing the spot right behind it. "Can't a man be a little affectionate towards his wife?" Humming she slid her arms around his neck, pecking his nose, smiling. "You're restless Ty, you keep thinking about something and you yet didn't ask me to help you to forget about it, so it must be serious." 

Making his way down her collarbone Tyler stayed slightly above the line of water with his mouth but let his hands dive between them and float along her form. "Maybe I do want you to make me forget about it." It didn't need more then a finger on his chin to raise him to eyelevel. Quirking a brow Jenna looked at him serious. "You know the rules, Tyler. No domination in bed." Only moving slightly and kissing the finger she still held up he smirked. "Rules are there to be bend. And sometimes to be replaced. Plus, we're not in bed so..." Pushing him back suddenly, sanding up and getting out of the water Jenna snatched a nearby towel and started to dry off. 

Tyler slumbed bacl into the water frustrated, let the back of his head hit the cold tiles, rolling it to the side as she had taken on a bathrobe and sat down beside him. Petting his hair Jenna tilted her head. "What is this about, babe?" she said after a while, after she watched him close his eyes and relax a little into her touch. "Have you ever had the idea that what we are doing is a little bit too...I don't know...far off?" Starting to rub constant circles on his shoulders Jenna answered. "Well, even if I'd think of it that way...I don't think expanding the submission to sex would be the right cure for that." "It would make things more...comprehendible to people." It would make things more comprehendible to Josh you mean." 

Pressing down her wrists on the joint between his shoulder and his neck Jenna felt satisfied on the groan. "Ah...right there..." Continuing her tries to loosen up his painful strained muscles she shighed. "You know, Ty...I think it was a mistake to let him know. I shouldn't have involved him into it. I just thought...I hoped he would understand and maybe could..." stopping in the middle of her sentence she pulled her hands back and wanted to walk away but where kept in place as his hand snatched out of the water and grappeb her wrist. Looking up on her, his hair plastered wet to his forehead, Tyler demanded to be heared. "You planned to make Josh dominating me?" Biting her lip she tried to avoid his gaze then and where surprised as he set her hands free. "Get back into here." he growled, shifting and making room enough for her to sit on the oposite side, "it seems we have a lot to talk about."


	3. Chapter 3

Handing the driver her last bag Jenna turned and slung her arms around her husbands neck. They both tried to cherish this last little moment of intimacy before she was driving away, after the blonde alredy had said her goodbys to the crew. Letting a soft kiss linger on his temple, then her lips trace down the lines of his face, Jenna whispered: "I know you're going to be ok, Ty. I know you can make it." He didn't answer, just gripped her waist harder and pulled her close, the physical equivalent to his mental wish to keep her with him. Still Tyler knew he had to let go, and as she pulled back activly he did, letting his arms fall to his side, watching her boarding the cab, her hand pressed to the inside of the window in a silent goodby. 

Josh observed the scene from beside the bus, where he stood with one of the stage crew members, discussing something random on the show. The drummer only half listened to what the man told him, the bigger part of his focus was set on his friend. It had been a big surprise that Jenna was leaving. Not giving them to many details, just telling them her mum had gotten seriously sick and she was needed at home, she had announced to leave their trail this very day. Josh wished they would have time to talk it out, he would have time to apologize for his behaviour, as, retroperspective, he now got why she had been so eager to involve him in the dangerous thing Tyler and she did. 

Letting his gaze wander up and down the singers form Josh could already see the lack of her controll over his feelings. Tyler's body language immediatly transformed to the stages it had been long before he knew her. He appeared taken back, smaller then he was, self-contained, and Jenna was not even fourty seconds gone. Gnawing on his lower lip the drummer realised that the stage-guy tried to get his attention and concentrated on their conversation for a moment, only to find Tyler gone when he raised his head again. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

For the rest of the day, his friend didn't leave the busses studio. As they had soundchecked in the morning and there was nothing left to do so far, Josh took a trip into the city to flee the odd tension he felt, strolled aimlessly through the streets. Watching, but not decent looking at the shop windows he suddenly found himself attracted by something oddly genuine, that sparked ideas in him that weren't that light at all. Feeling displaced in this context he entered the shop an got a few things he thought he could work with. 

Returning to the venue in time the drummer went into his usual pre-show-ordeal then. He dressed in his shorts and a Tshirt that would fall to the floor after latest the second song anyway and deliberatly put the red paint around his eyes. Leaning himself on the small desk before the mirror for a moment, observing his own gaze, Josh recognised how intimidating the feeling of looking at his own reflection like that could be. He filed that experience for later, for what he had decided to do. 

It was about a half hour before the show when he went to face Tyler. The singer was in his dressroom, still in the middle of getting ready it seemed. Josh hadn't bothered to knock, he just pushed the door open, raised his hand as a greating to the younger, who stood beside the couch and got dressed, and sat down on a chair, facing him. Wordlessly nodding Tyler greated him back, tweaking the collar of his white button up shirt. Fixing the drumsticks in his hands Josh starred down, let the silence take this over, tried to reach out and feel. 

He didn't needed to see the way Tylers hands shaking lightly as he fixed his tie. There were no significense in watching the other struggle, when the dark energy around him was so prominent, so strong that the drummer could feel it soak through his own mind. That Jenna had to leave him back had surely upset Tyler, and this time there was no distraction in what was real. It was when Michael knocked at the door, telling them that they had twelve minutes to go, when the singer broke, finally gave in. "Josh..." he whispered, quietly, looking at his shaking hands, "I...can't do this without her. Call me crazy, call me an addict, but I can't go on when she's not around." 

Closing his eyes for a moment the drummer gathered all his strengh then, forced his beating heart to calm, silenced his demons, before he inhaled deeply and stood, slowly walking towards the other, stopping right in front of him. Locking their eyes Josh made sure to lower his voice as well, as too loud words weren't needed between them right now. "Tyler...you need to listen to me, and you need to listen very closly, I'm not going to repeat this." Taking another deep breath Josh layed every ounce of domination he could find in his voice when his eyes darkened and he hissed "Genua!" his friends way. 

It where only a second that went until the youngers knees hit the floor, still Tylers feature went through various stages. First he was striken by surprise and disbelieve, of not understanding maybe, but quickly a hint of fear took over as he felt his body move on the rehearsed command. It sayed on his face, lingered there, but mixed up with kind of relief, of gratefullness and it all together left Josh breathless for a moment. The rush of power the roamed through his veins on all of this left him burning inside, pushing up his endorhines to the highest, hitting his brain and send him on an exclusive trip. 

Knowing the moment it started that he would never be able to stop it again Josh realised that he had to take the reigns then if he didn't wanted the situation to tip, so he raised his hand from where it was hanging at his sides and slowly moved it towards his friends head. Tyler were panting, his fingers clasped into the fabric of his jeans, his eyes fixed to the floor. Making sure not to twitch or shake on the contact Josh pressed the palm of his hand to his hair, not stroking, not moving, just letting heat and slight pressure pass between them. 

"Jenna came to me for help and I rejected her. I'm sorry for that, Tyler, I really am...but I can't do what she's doing to you. I won't ever be able to hurt you, in any way, on any level, but I think I found I way I maybe can be a surrogate for what she is." Finding pleased that the youngers shaking subsided slowly and his breath got more regular, although it was still deep, Josh slowly withdrew his hand and gripped his drumsticks, that he had placed in his back pocket. Crossing them before him and then lowering them down, so each of them lay on one of Tylers shoulders, the point they were crossed directly at his throat, slightly pulling his chin up and his head back. Josh put pressure again, never enough to reduce air, but to trigger a memory of it, to create a cage his friend could rest in. 

"Don't think, Tyler. Don't spend a single thought the whole show through...all I want you to concentrate on is the beat of this two sticks, of my heart, of my soul. I'll guide you through..." Pulling the sticks back with a swift motion setting the younger free, Josh retreated a few steps and watched in awe how Tyler rose, his eyes overglanced, his whole posture in controll, "...and you will follow!" 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

An attempt to make the voices stop. Assambling all the weapons to kill his mind. Trying to find what was once in his bones. Wanting to be a better advesery to the evil. Life turning plans up on his head. Thinking twice.

Tyler kept floating and floating, all his being set and focused on the beat behind him, beside him all around. He didn't hear the backtracks, he didn't hear his own voice, all that carried him through was the constant pulse of the drums, leading him on to give his best.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Halfway through the set Josh recognised how perfectly, how even more in sync they were together like this. Again the feeling of power crept into him, making him add double beats or extra hard bass hits here and there, seeing them aspire to the way Tyler moved or sang. This was better then any drug and therefor dangerous as hell. Josh realised while drumming his way through the rest of the set how easy it would be to get constrained to this, to the controll he had recently. Promising himself to never use it for his own advantage Josh closed his eyes while trees and soaked in the energy of the crowd going wild around them.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Dude that was SICK!" Mark yellep as they left the stage, jumping Tyler from the side and wrapping his arm around his shoulders. Josh, who followed close by, immediatly took up on the way the younger twitched and tried to get distance between himself and the vieograper, how his shoulders jerked and his eyes drove around. "Mark, let him go." he ordered, in a low, serious voice, earning a questioning look from the other. "What the..." taking a closer look at the singer while he spoke Mark got the message and pulled his hands back, letting Tyler pass, but snatching Joshs wrist to get him to stop. 

"What is wrong with him?" For a moment Josh pondered to tell Mark the truth, he was one of their best friends after all. Still, even if it hurted him inside, he choosed to ly in the end, as it was the only solution, the only way to let this happen. "Nothing. He just didn't feel so well before the show, I think he wants to lay down." Buying the false sentence Mark shrugged a little. "He's overworking, you should get him to rest more. We won't have to leave here for the next three hours, so you got time to enjoy the showers." "Alright, thanks man." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Stopping at the door to their dressing room, leaning his front on the wood for a moment Josh tried to steady himself. He knew that, despite of the raging emotions inside himself, he needed to be collected, calm, controlled. Tyler hadn't been prepared for this, he have had not a single warning before his friend subbed him so quickly just by the secret word Jenna had told him. The drummer expected the younger to be in fear right now. Throughout the concert he had been given a challenge, a task to achieve, and he had done well. Right now Tyler was alone with himself, trapped in the state of being controlled, unable to get out on his own and so Josh didn't let too much time go to waist to open the door and get to him. 

The room was dark, the headlight shut off, only the few dimmed bulbs around the big mirror enlightened the scene. Tyler knelt, in his waiting position, his head hang low, his hands on his thights, but relaxed, not clawed this time, his fingers were spread out. He didn't react as Josh closed the door, turned the lock, went to the bag he had placed beside the mirror when he had come to the room earlier that day. Slowly, giving the singer some side glances, he took out the washcloath Tyler used to remove his paint with, the alcoholic liquid that were needed to remove the black from his skin, as well as a bottle the drummer had purchised. 

Closing his eyes for a last brief moment Josh let himself sink into his role then. Slowly the outside world seemed to subside, the noises of the people talking in the hallway got lower, until he could not hear them anymore. Everything that existed were right in this room, in this moment, just between the two of them. Their world, their escape...his rules. Stretching out his hand, fixing the younger with his gaze Josh raised his voice into a harsh tone. "Venire!" he exclaimed, not knowing if Tyler was familiar with this certain command, but finding him following the order nonethless in an instant. Sitting down on the chair beside him, his eyes closed, the singer still spoke no single word, just breathed, shallow and nearly not remarkable. 

Taking the cloath and soaking it into the removal-liquid Josh stepped behind him then, watching both of their reflections in the mirror. "Open your eyes." he said, softly, not as he had spoken before and yet, the younger did follow this time too. Their gazes locked in the mirror, an unreal reflection of their true selfs falling back at them. The drummer had never recognised it that clear, how much they changed for their show, how they put on another persona like a second layer of skin. His own eyes framed fire red, thin lines of colour running down his cheeks where dropplets of sweat had taken them, gave a stark contrast to the black area of Tylers neck. Two ends of a scale, two different shades of the same thoughts. 

Reaching fot the youngers head, carefully adjusting him so he faced himself, found his own eyes starring back at him Josh got on. "I want you to look at yourself, the whole time. Never close your eyes. I want you to see." And with that he began to remove the paint in slow, thoughtfull drags, scrubbing the texture of the cloath over his friends skin, feeling a strange kind of dark energy floating through his hands and leaving into the air with every touch he did. If Tyler had been mesmerized before he was totally captured now. Josh learned that his power went far enough to make the other nearly stop blinking at all, just starring straight ahead, drowning in the sight of his own soul. 

Allowing himself a slight smile he got on, took his time, gave a deep sigh when he were finished. Still the singer hadn't moved or talked, but despite of it Josh could tell that he was more relaxed now in a strange way, that his gaze had softened, the corner of his eye filling with a tear. "Sequi." He told the younger then, led him to the couch on the other side of the room, gestured him to lay down on his front. The drummer was glad that he had read a bit about all of this and so he wasn't all clueless, aware of the half-subconcious state Tyler was in right now. He was about to reach the surface again, and it had went as slowly as Josh had wanted it to be, now he longed to set the final foundation for trust in their bond. 

The breaking point would be when the younger came to himself fully, recovered from it all, took back power over himself again. Opening the bottle with a customed oil he had gotten at the herbal shop that day Josh slowly let some of the liquid trickle down on the others back, closing the bottle and setting it aside. With caution he let his hands fall to Tylers skin then, spread the oil, slowly rubbed and tapped it in, following secret patterns he made up in his mind. For a long time, there was only the silence, only the warmth spreading underneath his palms, until Tyler began to move, once in a while first, slowly constant more. 

When the singer finally turned to face him and he could see how crystal clear his eyes had become, Josh took a deep breath and hoped that he hadn't ruined their friendship.


	4. Chapter 4

Two breaths echoing in the silence around them, two pair of eyes fixed at each other. Josh could feel the tension slowly breaking away as Tyler took his hand and placed his palm on his chest, right above his heart. Still there was not a single word spoken and the drummer felt that there was no need to as his own heartbeat seemed to sync the ones of his friend slowly. The feeling of power, the heat that it had rushed through his veins had left, and back stayed exhaustion, deep and wide ranging exhaustion, but the one that promised a good, recreative sleep. Coming aware of their surroundings again Josh observed the cold letting a shiver run over him, a wave that found it's prosecution in Tyler. For a second the older wanted to stand up to get their shirts, then, intuitive, he lowered himself beside the other, slowly moving his hand from Tylers chest to his back, pulling him closer in the process. 

Throughout the years they had touched so many times on so many occasions, and half of the carresses had been bordering friendship, still this was way more intimate then everything they had ever done. Breathing shakingly as the skin of their chests slipped together Josh waited for hesitation, for a move that showed him that he came too close, yet there were none, instead of it the younger bowed his head and let his face bury into his shoulder, his breath running down the drummers chest like a constant, warm flow of water. Feeling his eyes falling shut Josh let his other hand rest in the singers hair then, without grabbing or streaking through it, a simple connection, a simple pressure, that let their bodies just melt into each other more while their souls bounded. Sighing Josh gave up then and let sleep take the controll over.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Holding her mothers hand while the dialysis machine sobered the older womans blood Jenna didn't get the first call. Only when she excused herself to the bathroom and did a quick glance to her phone she saw that Josh had called her. Looking around, recognising a door to a balcony the blonde stepped outside then into the warm morning, enjoying the sun kissing her skin for a moment. Jenna whished life could always be so easy as in that moment, when all that mattered was the here and now. Rising the phone to her ear she waited for the drummer to take the call, while she sat down on a bench and leaned back with closed eyes. 

"Hello?" "Hello Joshua!" "Jen? Give me a second!" Hearing him give an appology to someone the blonde waited patiently until he was free to speak. "We need to talk." Josh growled into the phone, determined. "So you took controll?" Jenna gave back, pulling one of her feet up to her chest, leaning her chin on it. "I kinda...had not much choice." "You always have a choice. Tyler managed to stay alive long before he met me." "True, but the methods he used are nothing I wan't to bring back." Humming affirmative the woman nodded, even if the other couldn't see her. "That's why I wanted you in this." "I know, I understand that now." 

Turning her face a bit so the sun could reach her neck Jenna sighed. "Did it work?" "It did." "Just remember to always use something broad enough so you don't..." "I'm not choking him." "Fire?" "Nope." "Ice?" "No." Straightening her posture worried for a moment Jenna hoped her idea was wrong and was soon tranquillized. "Do you beat him?" "Are you crazy? No! I don't need pain to ground him." Smiling softly the blonde shook her head. "You YET don't need it. He gets accustomed to your methods by time and needs more to let go." "I've read of that effect...still...I think I can make this work without any form of violence." 

Spitting the last word out Josh made her sense the shadow in his mind and Jenna had never been one to not adress tensions. "You think less of me because of this." "No, but I think that maybe you enjoy the feeling a littlebit too much." "Of course I enjoy it, and don't tell me you have not! There's nothing wrong with it as long as the subject of interest still always is Tylers well being." Amercing her with a silence that weighted more then words Josh did finally tell her what he thought. "There's everything wrong with enjoying this, Jenna. It's intriguing me, it's challenging my mind but I didn't find a single moment of joy for myself in it. And that's the difference, Jen...you do. I saw it in your eyes when I left you two the other day. You feed on the feeling of having the power to decide about his life or death and that is a line I'm never going to cross." 

Opening her eyes aprubtly and starring direclty into the blinding sun until black dots started to dance her vision Jenna asked: "So you're going to drive him away from me?" "No. But I'm going to shift the power between the two of you." It rose bitterness and hope in her at the same time. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"...several preconceptions. But what Twentyone Pilots pulled off at the Stadion Center last night where one of the most explosive and sweeping shows our team has seen for a long time. With an sheere inexhaustable amount of energy Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun ripped appart the crowd for nearly two hours and left everybody dancing. Part of the recipe for entertaining this amount off people with only two of them on stage seems to be the connection between the two bandmates, that resonates in their music. Perfectly in sync and clearly enjoying each others talent the two boys from Columbus, Ohio, made the whole room cheer and cry." 

Looking up from his phone Mark gave the both of them a wide beam, accomponied by a thumbs up. "Guys...I really gotta say...I'm on tour four nearly five years with you know, but the past few shows have been the sickest thing I've ever saw!" Smiling into his cereals Tyler shoveled another spoon of them into his mouth mumbling a "Thank you." in between while Josh tried to blush not too obvious. It was the truth though, since he and Tyler first had shared the special setting of domination and submission their minds seemed to flow even more on the same level. The randomness in their performance became more, the failure rate sank to zero. 

Slowly starting to believe that he may have found a cure for his friend Josh was hit by the reality a few days later, when the day started off with a morning that left no questions to Tylers mental state. The singer didn't greet him when he approached the lobby of the hotel they had stayed in, he withdrew himself from everyone as much as he could and given the days' shedule being filled with interviews Josh knew that the other would be worn out and restless by the end of the day, even more then he already seemed to be. The first two encounters with journalists went fairly well, as there were interesting questions and both of them didn't mind Josh doing most of the talking.

The third though was a desaster. Provocating Tyler by throwing his own lyrics at him in a pretty disrespectfull way the interviewer created a conversation that left them both unsettled and angry. Lucky about knowing that they had a break of two hours before they had to do their next Josh suggeseted to grap something to eat nearby in the city, so a small trail consisting of him, Tyler and their security went to hunt food. As they took a crossroad it was Michael who spottet the papparazzi and warned them growling, not sensing how much that unsettled the singer beside him. Tyler cursed under his breath and giving him a closer look Josh recognised him shaking. 

Without a warning the drummer pushed his friend into the first restaurant they happened to pass by then, their securities following them irritated. "Find a table, we gotta go to the restroom." Josh threw over his shoulder while he steered Tyler into the back of the restaurant, following the signs. Once in the toilets Josh made sure they were alone before he took the youngers shoulders and brought him to the mirror, made him look into it. "Look at yourself." Raising his eyes slowly from the ground the younger found his own gaze and locked with it, breathing deep into his frame. "Good. I want you to concentrate on yourself and on me, on nothing else. There's nothing from interest, nothing from existense then you and me." 

Leaning foreward, bringing his mouth to the youngers ear Josh slid one of his hands in the others neck as he shifted his head so he could look into his eyes now through the mirror. "Tyler...Immiterre*!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Chewing thoughtfull on his chinese chicken Michael tried to figure out what was wrong on the picture the duo on the other side of the table gave, but couldn't pin it. Sure, Tyler was quiet that day, but this was nothing unusual, he tended to have strange days where he was somehow not existent. The only new aspect to this was that the singer was way calmer then on his normal bad days where he shifted in his seat or walked around restless. Deciding not to investigate that too much the security shifted his attention to his meal again. 

Josh on the other hand pretended to have his focus on the food but felt all of his senses being drawn one hundert percent to Tyler. The drummer had ordered his friends food, something everyone let go as they assumed the both had talked about it while they followed natures call, for the two of them it had been just another slow step Tyler took to submission, into his floating, safe space where decissions had no significance. Sporting his memory for the most sensitive places on the youngers back Josh slowly let his hand slip on the lower part of his friends spine, drawing circles there, creating the knowledge that he took care even if he weren't able to do great actions to make Tyler feel really secure right now. Those would have to wait until later.

Still Josh slowly increased the influence of his power throughout the rest of the day, when he decided which questions in interviews he took and which where answered by Tyler, or when he grabbed the singers bag in the evening and choosed the clothes he would wear when they met their crew for dinner in the hotel restaurant. Taking the youngers hand under the table Josh even decided about if he gave an answer to their friends or left it to the drummer to do it, the older slowly letting him getting silent more and more. 

When they came back to their shared room, something Josh had insisted, he let the younger in first, then entered and closed the door. As the drummer turned he was greeted with something that threw him off balance for a moment, but wasn't really unexpected after the conversation with Jenna. Without waiting for a command Tyler had taken place in the middle of the room on his knees, recreating the situation they have had in the dressroom. Slowly walking across the room, passing the singer by Josh went for the small couch and undressed his jacket, throwing it on the desk before him before he sat down. 

The remote for the TV lay near by, so he snatched it and started to skip through the channels, stopping here and there for a while. Tyler gave not a single sound the whole time, nor did he move. Feeling the thought of how long the other could stay like this rising Josh pushed it back immediatly. This was not about curiosity, this was not about his joy, he had to remind himself. This was all about his friend, and his need to be floating. "Come here!" Josh ordered him, more to distract himself then the other, and Tyler got to his feet, wanted to sit down beside him, but the drummer grapped his shoulders and pushed him further down so he sat on the floor beside him. 

Some minutes the younger seemed paralyzed by the action, then a sigh escaped his lips and his head rolled to the side, rested on the drummers knee. Not even looking down at him, still switching channels Josh let his hand rest on top of the youngers head, a gesture that was now a constant between them. For a long time Josh just let the energy flow then, waiting for Tyler to sink deeper and deeper and out of his thoughts until there was nothing left but the feeling of the warmth the drummers hand provided. Then, when he was sure that the other nearly had reached the bottom of his own mind Josh increased the power, the electricity by letting his nails run up and down the others neck, only a small movement, not scratching enough to brake the skin but irritate it for a second. 

It was a small shift, still Josh got it even before Tylers hand could wrap around his ankle and start to stroke his skin. He whizzed a "No." simple and without anger, but clear. It was one of the rules, that they still not had fully set between them, but one that Josh had demanded wordless from the start. Tyler was not allowed to touch him, not when they were in a state like that. He had to prevent the both of them for letting this elevate to a level of physicalness, because he knew that it would tip their fragile balance. 

Growing still again the youngers body went totally limb then beside his feet over time, lingering more and more in the state of receiving, accepting without having influence on it. Changing his position, swinging one of his legs over his friends head so he was trapped in between them, Josh made sure to press the youngers shoulders into the couch, linked his fingers over Tylers temple and pressed his head back as well. Being restrained, held close now, all anxiety and stress left the singers being with a small, sobbed sound that drobbed off his lips. 

 

 

* Imiterre = let go


	5. Chapter 5

The snow swallowed every noise around him and gave the environment the same calmness he felt inside. Tyler recognised that his feet where slowly getting wet in his thin stage shoes as he crouched between the buses in the sharp clear air of the night and let his hands roam through natures white coat, but he didn't care all too much. He was at ease with himself and the world and the singer always cherished this moments as he knew that they were rare. He had always been home to a complicated mind and had struggled a lot with it over the years. That the remedy Jenna and him had found had now multiplicated itself to Josh felt like a naturall shift...still it was something he couldn't let happen without even sort out the fronts once. 

Their thight shedule had brought it with him that Tyler and Josh haven't had opportunities to talk over days now, still the younger felt the constant attention of the other, the way the drummer seemed to analyze his behaviour throughout the day. Josh was as clueless as he was himself, he set his steps in the darkness, hoping to do the right one, and it was about time to bring light into this. Determined, the coldness of the snow in his hand reflecting the calm of thoughts in his mind, Tyler got up and went back into the venue, where thousands of people waited for him to play.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"...so I told her to bring Jesse over as well." Chuckling lightly Josh leaned his front against the window and watched the snow fall outside his hotel room. "He's slowly taking my place, hm?" "Oh, Jesse would make a perfect oldest son..." Laura gave, the smile in her voice audible, "but he's not you. I miss you Joshua, we all do." He didn't answer to that and Laura knew better then to ask, her son had never been the one to share easy, but she had faith that he eventually came around when he really needed her. "How is Tyler? I met Kelly yesterday and she said he hasn't called in a while." "He's fine. He's talking to Jen everyday I think." "You think?" 

Sighing an rubbing his eyes with one hand Josh got up, felt the tiredness pull on his bones. "We haven't spend much time with each other beside the stage lately. Our shedule is crazy right now, we're pracitcally on sleeping, eating, soundchecking, eating, playing a show, repeat." "I hope you boys take care of each other." Nearly groaning on the sudden flash of memory, the picture of Tyler kneeling before him Josh took a sharp breath. "We do. I love you mum." "I love you too, honey! And now, go to bed, young man, you got to play a show tomorrow!" Smiling softly the drummer bend to his bag and started to search for his toothbrush. "I will! Tell everyone I miss them. I'll call you again in a few days."

After saying the final goodbyes to his mother Josh went straight for the bathroom, letting himself beeing cleaned all over by the hot spray of the shower while he brushed his teeth. Even if he was aware that Michael had checked up on his reaction as he gave them keys for seperated rooms Josh couldn't say he was all to furious about it. The tight space of the bus seemed to get even more suffocating lately as the tour got on. Also, he still hadn't figured out how to act around Tyler when they were alone with each other without the urgent need to controll him. 

Being unsettled by himself the drummer had observed how he changed his view of the other subconsciously. Somehow he couldn't look at the younger without searching for hints if Tyler was struggling, couldn't help but find himself whishing to find one. The deeper Josh digged into the topic of power the more he found how carefull he had to handle it. Being a dominating person required more then orders and strength...the true key was the care behind the actions, the full concentration on how to create safety. 

When Josh had started to study it after Jenna first confronted him with it, he had thought that Tylers act of being submissive was altruistic, weak, a flaw his wife took care of. After being given the gift of his best friends trust that way himself the drummer understood that this was not true, at least not between the two of them. Tyler forced him to face his own demons when he handed himself over, and the more the drummer began to capture that the more he was afraid that Jenna had been right. Somewhere, deep in him, held back by the frontiers of morals he had build himself, he did enjoy controlling the other, and he did enjoy it too much as well. 

Not caring to dry his body fully Josh threw on boxers and a T-shirt, leaving the wet towels lying on the floor, the dropplets falling from his hair trailing a lane on the carpet behind him as he went back into his room. Getting ready to lay down to sleep he stopped in the middle of the motion with hitched breath, as a knock on the door interrupted the silence. There was a prickle in the tips of his fingers before he even touched the handle of the door. Josh knew already that Tyler was outside. For some seconds, they both just stood there and looked at each other, breathing, searching, then the younger let his eyes flicker past the drummer in a silent question to be let in and strolled the older by as he gave way.

Trying to ignore the way his body seemed to straighten to a more upright position automatically the drummer followed his friend into the room, sitting down on the bad crossing his legs just like Tyler had done. Looking down on his hands the younger picked on a fibre sticking out of the leg of his sweatpants and Josh was hit by how much he looked like back in the old days like this, when they had spent their first nights with getting to know each other. "Can we talk? You know...as equals?" the singer gave, his voice rasp and pitched, soft waves of insecurity running over his features, signalising that all his guards where down. 

"You shouldn't even have to ask that. We are always equal." Josh answered quietly, withstanding the urge to ly down and close his eyes. As tired as he was, he could feel that this was fundamential, and so he willed himself to stay awake despite the weight that pressured his eyes to close. "Well...I don't think so." Smiling slightly Tyler raised his gaze and found the other starring at him with a hint of terror. "You didn't even ask." As aggravating as it was, as glad the older was about the manifestation of mastery crumbling between them. "I'm sorry...I didn't mean to...but...it was a case of emergency. You paniced." Not stopping to smile, Tyler stilled his hands, locking his friend in a direct gaze now. 

"The first time, I did. The second you decided to take controll. I think it's about time we set some rules. Don't get me wrong, Josh, I'm gratefull for you doing this for me...it means a lot. But still...I need principles for the both of us to follow. I need..." "Safety." Josh interrupted him softly, not even loud, still it cut the younger off like a knife. "You need safety, I know, Ty. And I was never doing anything more then providing that." "I didn't ask for it." "In a way you did. It's like with the blades...I never needed permission to take them from you." Changing his position too quick for the older to react Tyler turned his body and lay down, so his head rested on the drummers feet, now looking up at him. It gave him an additional appearance of vulnerability and Josh had to hold back hard not to stroke his friends hair. 

"This is different. Back then you protected me from harm. Now you bring me into situations where I'm defensless." Stubbornly shaking his head the older declined that. "I'm not.Jenna. We won't even need a safeword. A simple no will always be enough for me to stop." Letting his eyes fall shut Josh found that it was way easier to cope with the new energy  
between them when he not looked down into the youngers eyes, when he just felt his presence, the back of his head lingering on his thights. "It maybe won't stay this way." "I'm not planning to change it." There where more behind their words then they let reflect into them and both of them knew it. Still Josh felt the need to put down the main rules audible, just to be sure they were real, but fought with the formulation. Sensing his struggle the younger took it to wrap letters around their thoughts.

"You don't want me to touch you. Is this permanent or will you order me to do." Carefully thinking about this Josh tilted his head. "It is permanent. To be clear...there's no such attraction between us...I hope...If there is...then I can't do this. But I think you are aware of that." There had been exactly two situations throughout the past six years they had come too close to something that was more then friendship, and to that day they had never talked about it. Here, in the odd comforting space of a anonym hotel room, in their personal created bubble of logic, Josh was eager to leave out every ambiguity between them.

Tyler hummed softly, the vibration extending to the olders skin, but not reaching his heart. "I'm not attracted to you, Joshua, I'm...I don't know...I'm bound to you?" Tasting the word on his tongue for a bit the drummer approved, his mind being pulled more and more into the greyzone of being awake and dreaming. "That could be a good way to put it, yes." Pushing himself out of his dazed state by opening his eyes suddenly he starred down, finding Tyler still smiling at him. "I don't got any more rules then this. What are yours?" Josh let the question fall, reproducing the gesture. "No taking over without my consens, unless I'm in panic. I don't want to be a zombie half the time just because you worry to much about me." 

"Am I wrong if I do?" Gasping the singer sat up in a powerfull motion, nearly pushing his friend back. "No. I'm aware that there is something wrong with me, Josh, but I'm not crazy. I may be a littlebit weired...off somehow...but I still can decide myself if I need your protection or not." A shudder took his whole body in an ice cold grip as the drummer watched his friends features change to a hint of dread. "Don't take that away from me. It's the only rule I'm gonna set." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

Hidden in the shadows of the empty venue Josh sat on the cold concrete and watched his friend going through the soundchecking of his instruments. Witnessing the younger like that had always been something special, when he was deep in concentration, lost in the sense of hearing, hunting the perfect setup, the clearest tones, their new bond just added the dimension of movements to it. When they were younger, before Tyler had learned to keep himself in controll, he had have a lot more of ticks, of sudden, unplanned movements, nowadays they were nearly not to recognise, as he hid them well behind the way he gave them a meaning. 

Every slight tilt of his head, every change of the angle his shoulders held told a story about what displayed in his mind and the drummer found himself more and more understanding that language. It was beautiful and terrifying at the same time. With the consens set between them they had found a way more easier path to go back to a normal relation to each other, at least that was what Josh thought. Over the past days there had been all their usual encounters, their videogame-tournaments, their working on music, everything they had done before they had gotten bound to each other, and not a single trace of their disparate roles had shown through. 

Little had they known that, if watched closly, there was a noticeable change to them, subtle and quiet, yet there for eyes that wanted to see. And Michaels eyes saw. Standing side-stage he leaned on a beam, secluded into the shadows just like Josh himself, letting his gaze jump between the two of them. The head of their security was one of their most relieable friends, one of the two that had been with them from the beginning, so it shouldn't even have been a surprise for the drummer, when Michael approached him an hour later, as he just was killing time in the bus. "Come on, J., let's go wander the city a bit!" he threw cheerly at the other, seeing him furrowing his eyebrows in discomfort.

"Well I...give me minute, I'll ask Tyler if he wants to come..." "Actually I hoped the two of us could head out alone." Michael cut him off, not even trying to hide the concern he felt. Reading his features Josh nodded shortly then. "Oh...ok...yeah...let's go." Grabbing his jacket the drummer passed the older by and stepped outside, into the windy, but sunny afternoon. They quickly informed some of the crew what they where up to and then simply walked down a backalley leading to the other side of the venue, where no fans where waiting for the concert to begin. 

It had been a lucky brake that the both of them enjoyed exploring so much. Josh wasn't allowed to go outside on concert days without his bodyguard anymore. It had been an order from the label, after there had been a few incidents with fans. First protesting against it Josh quickly gave in when Michael signed himself off as his permanent attendent. Being able to share some quality time alone was something the two friends enjoyed, now that the main part of their conversations had gotten about the dream they lived and not about the people they were anymore. 

The streets weren't too crowded, just enough for them to walk closely, their shoulders brushing from time to time. Michael did let a good mile trickle off before he adressed the issue Josh already felt that was there. "Tyler isn't doing very well with Jenna not around." He didn't even bother to make it a question, as they were friends for too long to lie to each other anyway. Keeping his pace upright Josh shrugged. "He's doing ok. I'm taking care of it." Examine him from the side the security growled: "Yeah, I acknowledged...that's what's troubling me." Not breaking his demanour the slightest Josh walked on, rounding a corner. "Really? How come?" 

Reaching for his arm and making him stop Michael sighed. "Don't play dumb with me, Joshua. Listen...you and Tyler where always close in a way noone of us understood and god forbid I was not only one time jellous of that. But something's changed, I can't even tell you what...something's different. And I don't like it! I admit the both of you appear to be more stable and better then you've ever been, but I can see that your smiles are fakes and your worries are behind your eyes everytime you look at him." Shaking his head and the others hand off Josh leaned back at the wall, crossed his arms. "I've got no idea what you're trying to tell me." Taking a deep breath Michael decided that he had shattered already enough between them. "Are the two of you...together or something?" 

With his face dropping for a minute Josh needed a moment to process the direct approach, just realising in this moment how obvious he had been, how much he still had to learn. While he had thought he had himself controlled well it turned out he had been not cautious enough, exposed their bond to the outside world in a way. Gladly it was a friend that had became aware of it. "Are you seriously asking me if I'm fucking Tyler?" Running red the security raised his hands helpless. "Or the other way around, I'm not sure? Either way...yes, that's what I'm asking." Chuckling Josh pushed himself off the wall and started to walk again, leaving the older standing dumb for a minute.

Quickly closing up to him Michael panted: "What? It's a legit question? Josh, I can see the way you fix him. And I'm aware that you guys spend your nights together." "We've done that before." "Before he was MARRIED, yes. And back then my nekhairs didn't stand straight when I got between the two of you." "You're paranoid." Speeding up so he could take a step before the drummer and stop him by facing him fully Michael hissed: "No, I'm just not blind! Fuck, Joshua, what the hell is going on?" Not answering, but looking aside Josh ended the conversation wordless. "Ok, so that's where we are now, you're just not talking to me?" Waiting for an answer, but not long enough to feel as a looser Michael passed the drummer by and shoved his shoulder in the process. "Come on, we're going this way. I need to bring you back, boy."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thx for all those kudos and comments! I'm sorry I not answered sooner to them, I thank u all for being so Kind and hope you enjoy the next chapter. I'm very unsure about this Story as the Topic itself is None I write about too much, so every friendly critic is very welcome :)

"I'm going home for the break." Punging his hand into the black paint again Tyler brought it to his neck, trying not to thighten his own hands on it as he was gliding over it. Josh stood on the other side of the room, fixing his jacket, well hideing his surprise. "It's only four days." "I know. I miss her." Shrugging the drummer turned to another mirror and started to aply the paint on his eyes. "Are you still up for our contract?" The youngers voice carried no emotion, no colour in it. "Why shouldn't I?" Spreading the rest of the paint all over his hands Tyler watched him in the mirror. "You've been pretty distant the past week." 

Indeed Josh had withdrawn a bit after his conversation with Michael, he just hadn't realised that it had been enough to take Tylers trust in their bond. "I didn't wanted to push you. I had overstepped your boundaries I thought it would be for a better if I'd retreat a bit." Standing up, walking over beside him to snatch his own jacket the singer brushed his arm, just to get his attention. "It wasn't. I missed you too. I can't loose my friend to the person that's dominating me. We need to fix that if we go on." Getting the message Josh opened his arms and leaned to the side to hug the younger for a moment. "I'm giving my best so you won't." 

"15 Minutes, guys!" Michael yelled, knocking on the door. Grapping Joshs face and bringing their foreheads together Tyler inhaled deeply. "I need you to ground me before I fly home. But for today...let's go out there and be who we always were." "The lit boys from Columbus Ohio?" "Just two friends living off the same beat." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Throwing his used shirts into a bag and carefully placing the good ones in another Mark sorted out his laundry. He couldn't wait to spent the nights in his own beed, even if it was for a short period. Half of the crew flew home to Columbus, the other half, including Josh, stayed. It was good to ease the irrecoverable tension a bit that months in small space with that many people brought with it. Searching for his charger Mark turned around as he heared someone enter the bus and greated Michael with a slight nod. "Hey man! Got the hotelrooms set?" "Yeah, we found a nice one down by the river. Three days of pure luxury!" "Nothing against three days in the arms of my girl!" "If I'd have one I'd probably say the same." 

Letting himself fall on the busses couch Michael groaned deeply then. "Will you fly with Tyler?" "No, I was able to get an earlier flight." Raising a brow the security double checked then. "Wait, he's staying the whole day tomorrow?" "Woah...did he piss on your shoes or why can't you wait to get rid of him?" "It's not like that." Michael shook his head as Mark turned to him, folding one of his shirts. "But he told me he'd be no available from tonight on. What is he planning to do the whole day?" Shrugging the videographer added the shirt to the others in the bag. "Probably sleeping. I don't think he does a lot of that lately." "Do you think? He seemes pretty rested." 

"Well, the last few times I went to wake him his sheets where untouched." "But he was in his room?" Slowly getting suspicious and trying to read the point in the others face Mark squinted his eyes. "Why do you ask?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tyler wasn't woken from the sound of his phone as usual, or the will of his body to release it's fluids as sometimes. It was a warm, wandering, wet feeling that got his attention and rose his mind from sleep, but kept him under the surface, just enough to not let him wake up fully. With time elapsing the singer understood that it where a cloath, soaked in warm water, driven over his form again and again, from his feet to his shoulders and back down again. He inhaled deeply when the motion stopped for a moment, and air rushed cold along his skin, until the warmth was back, on his neck now, rising further up to his face. Tyler felt his eyelids being cleaned softly, the little corns of solidified salt being washed away, his lips wettened with care.

There was no desire nor need to talk, no hurry to move, just the sound of Joshs regular breath beside him. It held him on the surface until his own consume of air was shallow, just enough to let his brain function, not enough to think. Like a rope the olders voice slung itself around his conciousness and pulled him up. "Tyler...Sedes*!" the older ordered, a change to his voice that the singer caught up on from the start. There was a new security in the way he handled the younger, yet the kindness of his actions didn't differe.

When the singer had sat up fully he felt something soft slip over his temple, down to his eyes, covering them behind a physical barrier now, so he couldn't even fail to keep his vision limited if he wanted. His breath speeding up a little Tyler tensed. Whenever they had let themselfs glide into this Josh had persisted on him to see what happened. To take him his vision was another piece of trust the drummer asked for and it was hard to bear, not knowing what to expect now. Tyler knew the familiar sharp coldness of fear that slowly made it's way through his veins, soaked into his lungs and freezed them.

Nearly at the tipping point of anxiety taking over he was caught in his fall by a touch, so simple, something smooth tracing along his lips. Understanding the silent command, expressed with slight pressure he opened his mouth, his brain hectical identifying the taste and then easing his posture. Being familiar with the concept of being fed, of handing over this next piece of self-careness, Tyler was surprised that it could work that way. Jenna had tried it once, but it had led them into way too sexual touches, nothing like the controlled, slow and simple act of makeing another person eat Josh was able to give. 

It where different tastes, fruits that he was offered, always with the slight chance to give a stop, which he did by time, when he just turned his head to the side. The same procedure followed with liquid, a refreshing, slight sour one, and by the end of it he felt energy floating in his body, while haze still clouded his mind. Removing the blindfold Josh starred down at him then for a while, waiting for him to open his eyes on his own and admireing his full submission as he didn't, before he gave him the command to look up. 

Feeling the youngers eyes following him through the room Josh went to get clothes for him and came back, sitting on the edge of the bed. It wasn't to avert fully that the drummers hands brushed the others ribs, still no flinch, no spark was set in one of them. Quietly the older pulled Tylers shirt on, stuck his feet into the pants, pulled them up his form too. Josh took his time for this, let them both get used to the feeling. Yet the rush of power was driving through him and the drummer found it more difficult to ignore it, so he focused on his task, slowly pulled the youngers socks and shoes on his feet, before he stood before him again, looking down on the singer and then resting the palm of his hand on Tylers head for a moment, a silent praise that he had done good. 

There was no command needed for making the other follow him, the drummer just left the room, not even turning to test if Tyler was behind him, but subtly smiling as he heard the others footsteps pinned right to his. This where the difficult part of todays plan though. Working out different scenes for their game the drummer had decided to take it outside, use natures effects as he still determined to avoid pain as a method. While this wouldn't have been a greater problem if they would have been home, to take Tyler outside the town now was risky. There were at least the chance of people approaching them, and Josh was not sure how they would react. 

It was out of question that Tyler was not able to interact right now and that every try to do so of the outside world would unstable his state. Recognising how anxiety started it's rise while they stepped into the elevator Josh willed it back to sleep. There was no space for his own insecurities right now, so he split them from himself and locked them in for later. Even if making him nervous there was a certain beauty to the situation. The elevator starting it s way down under their feet Josh watched the younger while the vibration of the metal ran through his body. Tylers posture seemed relaxed, no strain in his shoulders or face, still the drummer knew he had his full attention, that every fibre of the youngers being was waiting to be leaded. 

He was different like this, totally different from the man Josh knew for years now, and it shocked and fascinated him at the same time. Tyler had always been the mastermind, the leading one behind them. He protected their art from every outside influence with a personality that challenged a lot of people, he was extroverted to them a lot of times, competitive, belligerent even. Standing like this, with overglaced eyes, head bowed, eyes fixed to the floor Josh felt like getting to know him from a completly different angle, one that intrigued him even more then the Tyler he knew, and it changed him. It had an certain irony to it that, with every piece of power he took over his friend, the drummers own fears and struggles seemed to shrink, to be less prominent. 

For years Tyler had helped him to develop and become stronger, less social-anxious. The singer surely hadn't planned this, nor did he knew, but their new bond was as much a remedy for the drummer as it was for himself. The chirm of the elevator ripped Josh out of his thoughts and he focused, straightened his body, took the lead again. Making a bee-line for the entrance, hoping no one would stop then Josh cursed under his breat has he heared Mark calling from the lobby, telling them to wait. His mood sank even more when he recognised Michael with him.

"Hey guys!" the videographer waved beaming at them, "I'm heading out for my flight...what are you up to?" While sounding very casually Josh identified the question as a trap, Marks smile was too bright and Michaels cough too nervous. "Nothing. We're going out a bit before Tyler heads off to the airport." "Shall we take your bag with us and check it in so you don't have to later?" Michael threw in, adressed to the singer. Starting to sweat lightly Josh held back from an audible praise as Tyler didn't answer, just kept his eyes trailed on the back of his head. 

"He...woke up with a sore throat. That's where we're going, getting medicine." Starting to talk about how the weather changes sucked extensive Mark seemed to be satisfied with this, but Josh felt Michaels gaze still linger questioning on them. He waited long enough for Mark to not be offended, before he made his goodby and told the videographer to get going so he won't miss his flight. Leaving the lobby with Tyler walking straight behind him Josh didn't learn that their two friends parted when they where out of sight.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I'm too old for this shit!" Michael growled, slipping deeper into the cutions of the taxi cab. Giving him a sympathic look in the back view mirror the driver smiled. "Cheating wife?" Not immediatly getting the meaning the security realised that the man was talking about the car he had ordered him to follow as unobstrusive as possible. "Something like that..." he gave back, making sure that they still weren't in sight. For the next half hour there was only the sound of a spanish radio station playing, until the driver pointed at his watch. "We're leaving town now. It's another charge...do you know how far we're going? I could make you a fixed rate." 

"No, I don't know. But money doesn't matter, just keep following them." Another fifteen minutes passed before the black van in front of them took a exit, while their car rolled on. Leaning foreward between the seats in a hectc motion Michael gasped: "What are you doing, we're loosing them!" "Keep calm! I know this area, the road they are on leads to a restplace in the forrest. They can't go anywhere else, we will approach it from another side so you can stay hided." Padding the drivers shoulder reliefed Michael sat back then. 

He wasn't sure what he was about to find out, when the car slowed down and the driver gestured towards the van, now parked a good half mile on front on their through bushes hidden position. In passing of getting out the security passed the driver a bundle of notes and asked him to wait, which the man happyly obliged. Given Michaels stature he was no one people would asume as a person who was able to move quick and quiet, but exactly that underestimation was what made him good in his job. 

Creeping through the understorey he approximated a clearing, slowly becoming aware of the peacefull non-silence around him, the concert of a forrests life in the sunlight. Stopping at the edge of the clearing, hiding well as he crouched down behind another bush Michael ducked his head to look between two branches then. What he found did not confirm his expectations, but didn't disprove them either. In the warm glow of the sunlight Tyler knelt motion- and shirtless in the middle of the clearing between Joshs legs, blindfolded, his head bowed to the ground, the drummers hand layed on it. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wind and sun did an ambivalent play on his skin, yet Tylers attention was split between his tactile and his audible senses. The rustling of leaves, birds chirps, it all seemed too random to focus on, so he fixed the sound of the insects, a constant lull in the background that got louder and louder the more he concentrated on. For a second the tickling warmth of the suns ray lingered on his chest before the silk touch of air took over again and Tyler breathed, deep, unburdened, until the last thought he held on to left with a sigh. 

His own identity became fluid as his mind acknowledged the thousands of individuals around him, from the smallest creature to his feet to the hidden deer observing them from a few feet away. Slowly dissolving, uniteing with the nature around him Tylers mind was defensless no, could hold no critics against what he heared. Josh hated to take advantage of that, yet, convincing himself that it was not the wish to fully posess the other for his own but the need to protect him from his missjudging, the drummer let his fingers grip on the youngers hair thighten to the border of pain. 

„Tyler...I know we already set the rules, but there are two left I couldn't give you as long as you were clear. The first is: You can't let Jenna choke you anymore. You will resist. This is permanent. I don't allow any form of playing with your life. The second is: I'll never stand between the two of you in any aspect of your relationship then this one, but this is compulsive. When ever you need to be grounded and the both of us are around...I will always be the first resolution to turn to.“ 

 

* sedes = sit up


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thx so much guys for your comments....still blushing. hope you enjoy this one

The flight was way more then mocking physics' rules, it brought his body no the same level with his mind. Reclining in himself Tyler did not notice the hectic of the people at the airport, or the slight turbulences, his eyes were trained hard on the dark sky, the moon-lit clouds beneath them. Josh had let him enough time to come back from his subspace before he had to encounter people, still the singer knew his guard were not fully restored now. He had to be cautious, even more now that he felt unsure and conflicted about a command from his friend for the first time. 

In the back of his mind Tyler could tell that the drummer had banned him from a certain action with Jenna, but he couldn't bring it up, he had to wait until his submissive part would react. It should have been an uneasy feeling, not knowing what was planted into ones' brain, but strangely Tyler had no such emotions. There were a in-depth trust that provided assurance that whatever Josh had snuck into his head was just aimed at his well being and there was no second thought behind it. 

Still it made the singer think, not so much about his friend in specific then his whole situation in common. Trying to pin point when this all started Tyler couldn't really tell out of reaction anymore, he had to search his memory, go back a few years to a low in his life, the time he had started to write those dark lyrics that motivated their success. After being controlled by substances all his life he had decided to break free back then, had thrown away all the pills they used to make him swallow. It had worked for a while, and when he failed he had already seen enough from a sober world so he declined to go back to being drugged. That's when they started to try alternative solutions. 

It were several dark places they went to and to this day Tyler could not believe that Jenna had always followed. They had tried to submit him on a sexual basis first, but it had turned out that Tyler was too much of genetical programmed to fight for dominance on that level, at least it had been like this back then. It was more by chance that they found out that his desire was not about getting off, but feeling secure, safe from the world and himself. Their first attempts had failed and he had felt nothing, kneeling in front of her for hours, nothing then his knees getting sour and his insides raging even more. 

Together they had researched then, had written their scenes, for a while, until Jenna took it over to plan everything out. What felt like a remedy send from heaven turned into a curse over the years of extending, of wanting and needing more, more, more of it. Tyler was aware that what his loved ones always had warned him off slowly became real. He lost connection to a clear state of mind, he couldn't understand the world and the people in it, just because he always had been differently wired. Running a hand over his face, less out of tiredness then the need to feel existent the singer wondered if he really was better off without professional help. Control was a bitchy little thing, and somehow he felt like he'd be paranoid, and looking over his own back. 

Something Tyler had learned when it came down to keep his wicked mind in check it was that he had to stick to structures, to draw clear lines that couldn't be overstepped. Concluding that he would create those lines for both of them the only thing left to do was lean back and came clear about what he even wanted. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Loosing himself in the beat Josh let the energy he felt convert into his practice. His light, electronic drumset could be taken anywhere, a benefit that came with being a drummer for life, and after he had brought Tyler to the airport, not without disbanding him as a friend, Josh had withdrawn in his hotelroom, too afraid the others of the crew would recognise him glowing. This time the domination had left him even more buzzed them before. Josh had never been one to take drugs, yet he had tried one or two of them and if there was an experience he could compare this to it was cocaine. This unmistaken feeling of owning everything, of being larger then life...not even on stage, in front of thousands of people he was able to feel that important and valued. Having seen all the nasty faces of fame the drummer knew that the power that came from those things, from white, chemical powder and a mass of screaming voices left people empty in the end, and it had for sure left him behind hollow more then once.

But the importance Tyler gave him by kneeling to his conceptions, by staying low without single try to revolt, filled him with more then a ephemeral cause to get on. Every scene the younger asked for would bound them more and more together, and in the end Josh could see himself becoming a necessary part of his friend, an extension of his personality. It was a double edged blade for them to walk on, as, if they ever tipped into the darkness, none of them would be able to pull them out anymore. As far as their friendship went, they had always been each others life line. The moment they entered the realms of leading and following, Josh would be all on his own, alone to keep them in the light. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Whenever Tyler came to the place he was born in the first thing he did was returning to the house of his parents. Of course Jenna had been waiting for him at the airport, and the way she kissed him nearly made him slip from his usual routine, but his wife was used to all of his little ticks and knew better then to disturb his order. Handing him the cars keys Jenna took place on the passengers seat, stretching her legs over the middle console into her husbands lap, the back of her head leaning on the window. Steering them out of the airport area safely then Tyler smiled content when he saw the welcoming streets of his hometown. “Your starring.” he gave, soft, letting one of his hands drop to her feet, caressing it through the fabric of her jeans. 

Reaching out her hand and letting her thumb trace along the side of his face the blonde smiled too. “I had forgotten how beautiful you are.” “Shouldn't that be my line?” Leaning back sighing Jenna gave no answer to that. She had spent nights to decide how to approach him about his friend, as they hadn't talked about it on the phone. Years of living with Tyler had teached her that being direct was the best way, as he always were able to see behind her masks. “Seriously, you look good...reliefed. For someone who declined interest in domination Josh seems to do a fairly good job.” Bringing them to an halt at a traffic light the singer turned to her to study her face. 

“Are you jealous?” Snorting Jenna closed her eyes, just taking in his presence, the fact that they weren't separated by physical distance anymore. “Am I bothered? No. Am I unsettled? Yes I am.” The drive to his parents place was to short to really dive into the topic, yet Tyler couldn't left it all unsaid. “The two of you can't be competing or I need to stop this, as long as I got control on it.” “I never intended to compete to Joshua...I just hope he knows his place.” 

xxxxxxxxxxx

Waiting for Snider and the rest of his friends walking off into the night Michael gripped a bottle of vodka out of the mini bar and went to sit on the balcony, wrapped in a blanket. For a while he let played with his phone, let his thumb wander up and down on the display, but eventually he called up the picture he had taken. Zooming in Michael tried to understand what he was seeing and found that there was no unproblematic explanation to this. Opening the bottle and taking a deep draft he attached the picture to a message. 

Mikesec: Care To explain?

Leaning back, placing the phone beside him the security watched some small boats floating by on the river. When the iphone chirped, signalising an answer he took his time. This wasn't a conversation he was eager to lead, it was one that his commitment of friendship desired. 

SpookyJDun: Really, man? You're tailing us?

Pressing his lips to thin lines Michael tilted his head and took another sip, snorting pleased at the burning in his throat. 

Mikesec: If it's that easy for me to do, imagine how less effort it would an paparazzi take.

This time he kept the phone in his hand, thinking they had an ongoing conversation, but finding that the drummer went back to ignoring him. Growling the security stood up then, and went back to his room, throwing blanket and bottle on the bed before he stomped through the door. Joshs room was only a few doors away and the drummer didn't need long to open him, but he blocked the entrance. “If you don't wanna start to look for a new head of security right now you should let me in.” Michael snapped, stepping deeper into the drummers personal space. 

There always had been kind of a natural order between them, a social hierachy like every circle of friends was founded on. Josh had always been the kindest, stablest person in this and seldom did he pick arguments with the others. Asked a few days before Michael wouldn't have been able to imagine that Josh stood up against him, and he would never have dreamed it would be in such a outstanding aggressive way. “Well, go, pack your things then. You're already fired for prying on us, Michael.” Glaring into his eyes the older pushed past him suddenly, nearly sending him flying to ground. Pushing the door shut angrily the drummer turned around and faced him. 

“Do you honestly think I'd care about that shitty job, Joshua? You can fire me, you can destroy my reputation in the scene, do whatever you want, but I'm not gonna leave before you're telling me what the fuck you are doing!” “It's none of your business!” “Then who elses is?” Michael barked. “Fuck, Josh, I'm friends with Tyler even longer then you are! We all know he has a screw or two loose, but he was fine when Jenna came along. Lately...you somehow entered the picture...and I'm not sure if he is so fine anymore.” Calming down a bit the drummer left his place at the door and went to sit on the bed. “He's good. It's helping him, don't worry.” 

Withstanding the urge to tear at his hair Michael hissed: “But WHAT the hell is it?” “I doubt you'd understand.” With grinding teeth the security shook his head. “Just because I'm holding on to the concept of purity it doesn't mean I don't know nothing about...different shades of sexuality.” The weight of weeks, of changes and relations made Josh tired, he leaned forward and propped his ellbows on his thights. “Mike, we're not gay. This is not about sex, not the slightest.” Throwing his hands in the air defeated the security sat down beside him then. “Good. Ok. I'm listening. You're talking.” An inwardly voice tried to held Josh back, but he had no choice. Michael had seen a part of their scene, of their powerplay and if he got it wrong that way strangers would do even more. When he broke the subject down to this Josh had to be thankfull for the older nooseyness.

“Do you remember the blackouts he had, whenever his senses overloaded?” the drummer asked, more to start his explanation then to get an answer. “Well, I'm sure you still know all the ways he had to get out that dark energy. You where there to search the van with me for blades and pieces of shattered glass.” “Did he relapse?” “No...not in the way you might think of it. He did stop taking his pills though, it's been a while now, like three years if I remind correctly.” Surprised Michael rubbed his stubbled chin. “About the time he met Jenna then?” Nodding Josh got on. “Yeah...she actually helped him to find a solution.” 

“Gosh...Jen knows about this?” “She does a lot more then only having knowledge...Jenna is the first person Tyler did submit to.” 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

There was more to the way their family held together then people on the outside would think. Only few knew about what was well hidden behind the surface, about the past they all had burried together. Tyler hugged, prayed, eat with his parents and siblings, and they all tried to overplay the fact that the memory was knocking on their idyll with all the small artefacts of the Josephs' kids childhood around them. Jenna had needed some time to get used to the well groomed illusion of a perfect family, when her own was a real one. But as she understood how much love and faith Kelly and Chris had to put in their kids future, she welcomed the state of peace they all had declared with each other. 

Still she was thrilled to see the family evening ending, to have Tyler suggesting to go home, help her into her coat, hold the door of the car for her. Their drive home was silent, Jenna knew that he needed time to recover, to switch, from the masquerade he had held back to his true self. Silently, used to coming home like this, Tyler parked their car in their driveway and held the door for her again, so she hadn't to balance the cake his mother had forced on them with one hand. They went down the front yard, the singer pushing the key into the lock, opening the door, Jenna slipping past him, placing the plate on a small desk in the hall while Tyler typed in the security code of their alarm device. The moment the front door fell into the lock behind them they collided. 

Casting her finger into his hair Jenna followed the drive of their movement that send them to the wall, Tyler sliding against it, kissing her deep-tongued and passionate. Their desire synchronising, their bodies falling in place they turned when they broke for air, the singer now pinning his wife between him and the wall, leaving a trail of wet kisses down her neck, a bite to her collarbone. With ease Jenna slung her legs around his hips, locking them behind his back to help him to support her weight. Slipping his hand under her thigh Tyler came back to her mouth while carrying her through the hall, up the stairs into their bedroom. With an energetic motion he brought them both down on the bed, resuming his journey down her skin. 

Throwing her head back Jenna let him devour her for some time then, map out every inch of her body, a thing he had become addicted to since the first time they had been together like this. Tyler had never found joy in quick, on his lust focused actions, he enjoyed the anticipation more then the high. Gently running his teeth along her breasts, the sacredness of this kind of contact got a hold of him like so often. Being able to enjoy another person this way was one of gods greatest gifts. Eventually, when the singers finger slid between the warm, slick folds and made her gasp, Jenna started to replicate his touches, drank every shudder, every moan from his lips while her fingers traced the most sensitive spots on his member, elevating his desire until it clouded his mind and made him take her. 

Hovering over her Tyler sighed into his wifes lips as they finally connected, as he slowly sank deeper into her body and the sensation of the warmth and traction she welcomed him with made him shudder. It where nearly an opposite to the submission, the way his head where filled with thoughts about her, her, her with every thrust, every rolling of their hips together, leaving him upbeat. Biting down on her collarbone gently he whispered an “I love you!” into her skin, felt her legs tighten around him before Jenna changed their balance, threw them to the side and then rolled them over, sitting back above him, still rolling her hip as she sucked in her lower lip and threw her head back. 

His hands flying to her hip Tyler helped her to support her weight, to set a rhythm and hold it, while Jennas hands splayed out on his chest, gliding up over his tattoos, the sharp definition of his shoulders, to his neck...and tighten their grip there, cutting off his air. Eyes flying open, pupils widened, the singer stilled completely from one second to the other starring up at his wife in terror, not able to immediately react while Jenna just applied more and more pressure, to the point she knew he could take from foregone experience. A strange shade of pleasure running over her features triggered Tyler into action then, furiously he grabbed her wrists, ripped them off of him, not caring about the scratches her nails left on his neck that way. 

As fast as he freed himself as fast he flipped them over again, not breaking their connection, still being burried deep inside her, as he held her hands down beside her head, starring into her eyes. “What the hell do you think you are doing?” Tyler growled, finding her controlled, not the slightest frightened by this. “You know damn well what I was about to do.” “I did not ask for it Jenna. AND it's against our rules.” Feeling him twitch inside her the blonde tried to roll her hip impatiently, but the singer pinned her down with his weight, didn't leave her an option. “You were the one suggesting to change that...I just thought...” 

Breaking their eye contact, letting her head roll to the side Jenna sighed, closed her eyes on the feeling of his lips wandering up and down her throat again. “I want us to be special. Exclusive in a way. I want to be the one thing he can't give you.” Placing a hand on her cheek, making her turn her head Tyler kissed her, picking up his movements again, let the moment of imbalance pass by. “Baby you ARE special...you ARE the one thing nobody else can be. I live for you. I would die for you. No matter how close he is coming...he will never hold my life like you do.” 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Scrolling through his search history Michael pressed two fingers to his nose. He had left Josh after hours of severe discussion with the understanding that it wasn't smart to fight the drummer on this without knowing any facts. So Michael had studied into the early hours of the morning and the more he found the more he got unsettled about it. Not that he didn't got why Josh, Jenna and presumably Tyler too thought this was a good idea, but unlike them he could also see why this couldn't lead anywhere then into disaster. 

Michael had been a friend long enough to go through the process of getting diagnosed with Tyler. He had seen him falling apart completely, and had witnessed how his friend build himself up again after getting the meds he needed. Still the singer always stayed a fragile person, one that tended to get an addict to love. There where not many people that found a way into Tylers heart, he was too intelligent to let his empathy and emotions decide on who he gave his trust. But when he did, he handed a part of himself over. How far that could go Michael had witnessed just a day ago, and he wasn't all to eager to see where it could lead if the three of them kept playing on like this.


	8. Chapter 8

Campaigning against his own will Tyler held back from pulling at the restrains that kept his hands tied close to the chair. This felt wrong, he felt wrong, still he did not retreat from the situation, kept his lips pressed together so the safeword couldn't even slip out accidentally. They weren't going to fast, in fact Jenna had given him more time then usual to glide down, but the cause were erring. Never before had Tyler submitted to her on her request, it has always been his, but with their limps tangled into each other, their skin still damp from their mutual high they had found that what had been essential for him to function had important for her to be sure of them too. 

Jenna needed safety just as much as he did himself, and Tyler hoped giving her this, handing himself over without the inner need to do so, would restore her faith in them again. What it brought with it was the struggle, the fight he had to overcome to get into his subspace, when his mind wasn't in the right condition to do so. That was why Jenna had restrained him, left him exposed to himself and the air around him, alone in their bedroom, for hours. Tyler knew that she always were close by, still the absence of her direct contact triggered his anxiety. 

Closing his eyes and letting his chin fall to his chest the singer concentrated on his breathing then. Slow, long intakes, even slower exhales. The deeper he sucked in the air, the longer he held it, the more the dizziness took over and pulled him under the surface, into the floating, even if it felt more like drowning this time. Hearing her enter Tyler forced the last few thoughts to leave him for now and fell into the state of just existing, without defense, open to anyone and everything. Circling him on her toes Jenna took in the picture of her husband then, sitting calm, unmoving before her, a soft blindfold on his eyes, even softer ropes forcing his hands to the wood of the chair. 

A familiar, long missed sensation ran through her as she reached out, touched his chin, traced his stubble with her thumb. Jenna felt meaning fill her soul. Being a outstanding beautiful woman she had searched long for someone who saw more importance in her then her face and body. Sure, there had been man who adored her personality too before him...but in the end she always had been that price, that pretty thing they conquered, and then sat aside to keep it as a nice little amusement. The moment Tyler let her in his heart he made her to the lynchpin of his world, became unable to exist without her. Jenna did not had realised how constrained from that feeling she had became too. 

The idea of Tyler being able to ease his troubled mind without her, as much relief and good it brought to him, frightened her to the bone. Jenna knew that her beauty was enough to hold him with her, even when he didn't need her intellectual guidance anymore. But what she knew too what that she couldn't bear to go back to be colorless to the world, a girl with a beautiful face, that didn't had any significance in the war he waged behind his eyes. The warmth of the power gliding through her the blonde began to assemble her weapons then. Gently, nearly not touching him, she applied foam on the skin of his face, spread it on his cheeks, before she took a shaving razor in her hands, flipped it open. The blade was simple, but highly sharp, made to cut through every resistance.

Turning to him Jenna took time to regulate her breathing then. She wasn't used to tremble so much when doing this, and twitching hands where the last thing she needed. Sliding her fingers into his hair the blonde pulled back her husbands head then, so his neck was exposed, all sides of his face easy to reach for her. With slow, cautious drags Jenna started to distend the knife over his cheeks, leaving lanes of clear skin behind. It was an art of concentration to not apply too much pressure, not to brake his skin, and she completely fell into it with every drag she did more. Unless all the other times he did not radiate calmness though, something that she learned along the way, when the knife wandered to his chin, and down it to his unprotected neck. 

Tyler did not flinch, be it because he was safely floating or aware of the danger, but his posture was strained, the veins on his temple slightly visible. For a moment Jenna pondered to stop, but then got on, went deeper, until every little spear of hair was cut. She didn't stop then though, didn't wanted it to stop. A strange passion willed her to go on as she let the blade scratch over his adam's apple, deeper and then to the side, along his shoulders. Observing him intently she decided against asking him for permission, Tyler clearly struggling with her action, but was not braking character. 

Changing the angle of the knife Jenna let the top wander down his chest, circling one of his nipples before she came back up again, tilting the blade another time and slid it against his throat. While having willed himself down and down again along her game Tyler couldn't restrain the instinctive reaction of panic as she increased the pressure, even if she still didn't cut his skin. Sucking in a deep breath he yanked back, his throat closing up for a second so that first nothing more then a strange distressed sound came out, before he finally was able to throw “Desistere!*” at her, wheezing in panic as he felt warm blood trickling down his neck from where he had cut himself open on the blade when he moved so violent and quickly. 

“Shit, no!” Jenna yelled, letting the blade fall between them where it luckily stuck into the floor, not one of their feet, before she reached out, wanted to touch him. “GET OFF OF ME!” Tyler screamed at her before she even could come close, trying to stand up, but being yanked back by his restrains. “FUCK!” he hissed, not able to think straight, still half caught in his subspace. Feeling tears welling down her eyes Jenna gave as much strength into her voice as she could as he screamed an “Tyler! Genua!” at him, which brought him to his knees as his body reacted without his permission, falling over with the chair still tied close to him. 

Rushing to his side, starting to loosen the ropes with shaking hands Jenna whispered “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!” over and over, feeling that he was just like a caught wild animal now, ready to flee the second she would set him free. When she finally could grab the chair and throw it off of him Tyler bolted out under her grip, ran to the bathroom and slammed the door shut, the lock turning nearly simultaneously. Looking down on her bloody hands Jenna fell down to her knees, her sobs taking her form over, all power leaving her to the ongoing insult of guilt.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Battling a staredown between himself and his reflection Josh leaned on the sink of his hotel room and studied his own mask for perfection. The past few days of doing nothing hadn't brought the relaxation he had hoped, in the opposite it had led him back to old thoughts, into old mindsets, the ones where he had been insecure and held back. Without the permanent need to care for Tyler his brain had enough time to throw his own flaws at him and the drummer hated every single minute of it. Maybe it wouldn't have been that hard if he hadn't to include a new bad habit into his repertoire. 

The one thing that always had held a certain beauty to it was the way Tyler and him had never lied to each other. They where brutal honest, never offending, but also never hiding the truth behind fine words. Josh felt that having a secret would be even more toxic for their relationship now, still he had extracted Michaels promise to keep his knowledge to himself, also towards Tyler and Jenna. The security hadn't been happy with that, but as he had no more arguments then his worry justifying him interferring he had to give in in the end. Although the drummer was confident that the other was wrong when he stated that Tyler would be better off being treated professionally, he couldn't fully dislodge that idea. 

The main problem about Tylers disease, or condition, or personality - there were so many different terms people used on him – was, that it couldn't be pinpointed. While classified with depressional episodes as a kid the singer never really showed symptoms of that special syndrome. He was just different, from the beginning on. While difficult to explain his whole state of mind was even harder to understand, and now, that Josh felt like he did a little more then he had in the past few years, he had to ask himself if he was strong an smart enough to lead such a brilliant struggling genius. 

Meanwhile Tylers concepts of life where simple: There were night and day, life and death, love and hate, praise and reproach. The world around him was complicated though, spiked with gray areas his sharp principles couldn't take. Taking control over that, smoothing the edges and adjusting his surroundings for him changed Josh inside, he felt it and couldn't lie about his attraction to this new feeling. But at the same time he knew that, sooner or later, the burden of it all would become too much for him to carry. The drummer had decided to retreat from all of this, before it was too late, but his determination crumbled like a sandcastle in a downpour as Tyler came back from his brake home that day.

Throughout their whole career he had been late to soundcheck exactly once, this time he came about 30 minutes to late. Josh hadn't even got a full glimpse on his friend when he knew that something was off, the way Tyler pulled him into a hug and the awful rasping sound of his voice just made it more obvious. Declaring that he had to treat his voice with care as he had catched a cold the singer played nervously with the scarf around his neck and avoided any eye contact to the older. As much as all of this worried the drummer, he still had to hold on to his calmness, even more when time went by and his friend acted more and more weird in a way. 

While waiting for the soundguy to reset their preferences Josh finally managed to catch the youngers gaze, and his silent question got a prompt answer. Setting the glass he had been holding aside, Tyler stepped in front of the drums, bend down and rested his head at the one right before the older. Josh understood the gesture as what it was: the urgent plea to be set right, brought down and being awoken correctly again, as well as it was a confession. Whatever had happened between Jenna and him to trigger the constitution he was in, it had crossed Joshs rule of not going to far with her somehow. 

Feeling the lens of Marks camera on them, a thing the drummer had trained himself to be aware of, Josh frantically searched for something to signalise the younger that he had understood, that he would take care of it later, when they could talk, ease the pressure, play. For know all he could do was grab his sticks and set a rhythm beside Tylers head, flashing the videographer a bright smile.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

The uproaring cheer of the crowd as the intro started broke like a wave over him and nearly stamped him to ground. Tyler gripped his mask harder as he took the first few steps towards the stage in the darkness, sliding the rough fabric over the hurting grains on his neck. He wouldn't take off the mask tonight, not for a long time, and when he finally did a scarf would be ready. The singer knew that he couldn't fully hide the fact that something was wrong, his fans always had been too observant for that, but he could limit the damage with leading them wrong. That his voice was still hoarse from the fight he and Jenna had after he calmed down enough to breath was handy to that. 

Stepping onto the platform in the middle of the stage, grabbing the red glowing microphone, all Tyler could think about was how tired he was, how slow his body reacted to his will. He managed to go through the first part of the fast rap without flaws, and just had to tune down a little on the refrain so his vocal chords could take it, but when the shortly before the second verse began a shift in his perception threw him off guard when the pattern of the synthesized base, getting louder in this moment, confused his sense for balance. 

Tripping on his way to the platform Tyler nearly fell and could only barely manage to start into the following rap on time. It was just one of many little mistakes that, once triggered, trailed each other down the road of the singers imminent mental breakdown. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Panting and saturated in sweat Josh cemented himself beside his friend when they came back to the stage for their final bow. For the first time ever since they played music together he was just glad that it was over. While knowing that the fans wouldn't care about Tylers little slips, they even tended to be proud of having seen a concert where he did, Josh had felt every single one of them nearly bodily. The singers world order was easy, his principles were not. Mistakes always required a correction for him, an act to make things right again, let them heal. The conception of punishment was nothing Josh had planned to include in his domination over his friend, but knowing Tylers need for it sometimes he realized that Jenna surely had. 

Before she was there, before this crazy circle started, the youngers' ways to make himself suffer for devious steps had nearly cost his life more then one time. Given the way the drummer felt him tremble beside him as they locked their arms around each others shoulder told Josh that he would go back to this instantly, if there wouldn't be another solution to set his world right again. Letting his hand drop to Tylers lower back when they left stage, applying pressure there Josh started to take care of that. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Failure, bad, fucked up. “Hi, I'm Tyler, what's your name?” False Smile. Broken, not worthy their time, wrong lyric. “You've drawn that? That's sick!” Poor excuse, nerd, idiot. “Wow, what a story, I'm glad you made it!” Retard, I hate you, not right. “Josh...I think I need to go sit down.” Whining, pathetic, weak, Spiraling down, down, down. “.....” Too much people, too much light, too much sound. Overload. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

There were Pro and Cons to the fact that this particular venue had it's own bedrooms for crew and artists, so they could stay over night. The downside of it were the meet and greets that their management had planned and as much as Josh used to enjoy them, right now they were like poison for his mood, as he could see their effect on Tyler. While holding his mask and smiling for the pictures with the fans, even talking a little to them, the singers eyes started to dart hectic around the room without focus. Josh made sure he could touch the younger as often as possible, getting nervous as he felt Tylers shiver increasing with every minute. 

Once when they still had been building their friendship and the singer had opened up about himself, Tyler had tried to explain what happened to him when he shut down. “It's like I got no filter...like my brain would soak up every stimulus around. I see everything at once, I hear everything at once, I can feel everyone around me. It's too much too process, so my fuses are blown.” he had said and right now Josh could see it in his eyes how close he was to this kind of short circuit when the singer swayed to the side, grasped his shirt a little and whispered “Josh...I think I need to go sit down.” Quickly counting the remaining fans the drummer gave Michael a sign to make them wait for a second and stepped closer to his friend.

Shielding their interaction of the sight of the people behind them with his body Josh leaned in, took the youngers wrists and closed his hands around them, his thumbs lingering perfectly on the point where he could feel his friends pulse, increasing the pressure down on it. “Tyler...go to our room...eodem loco manere*!”

 

desistere = Stop!  
Eodem loco manere = Stay there/Wait for me!


	9. Chapter 9

Only few understood when Tyler sang about silence being violent to him. Seldom there were people who differed silence and peace in the same way he did. While the one was a subjective lack of outside influences, allowing the rustling of the voices in his head to increase, the other was the floating in absence of any need then existing. Maybe he would have freaked and gotten anxious on the silence Josh left him in on another occasion, right now it felt right to be tortured by his inner self throwing accusations on him, while he kneeled in the darkness of the room, ran over by slight shudders as the sweat started to dry on his skin and glued the soaked shirt to his chest. This time experiencing the short breaths, triggered by sobbing, felt good, cleaning. Waiting for Josh was part of the punishment, the foundation of the remedy. 

His thoughts had already slowed down again, where not so lopped off anymore, flowed in streams but still mixed up to waves that threatened to blow up his head. Tyler had lost the feeling for time days ago, couldn't even remember the last time he had slept deeply and recreative. After being overwhelmed by all his senses he now felt numbed, a dull ache lingering in his muscles from how hard they where clenched when he nearly tipped over the border of sanity. A few single sensations stood out to him though, like the feeling of the rough carpet on the skin of his knees, exposed through the wholes in his jeans, or the light electrical hum of the TV on standby behind him. Starting to sort them into feels, sounds, tastes, Tyler slowly brought order into the chaos, gave himself a challenge to be distracted of the terrors of waiting for attention. 

For a while it worked, then he fell back in his restless state, feeling more and more alone, abandoned, left back. The audible signal of the keycard opening the door made him nearly jump then, triggered a rush of excitement that he could only hardly hide. Still the singer kept his head bowed and waited for his commands when Josh finally filled the room with his presence.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Disgusted by his own smell Josh let the door fall shut behind him and flicked on the light, tossing the keycard and his phone on the counter beside. Without giving his friend a single glance he crossed the room, went to his bag, started to rummage for fresh clothes and a toothbrush. The drummer couldn't wait to get rid of the taste of alcohol in his mouth, as much as he appreciated the way being slightly drunk already lowered his ethics. He had been too scared of this to do it sober, so a few quick shots with the stage hands had been just what he needed before he approached the younger for correction. 

Stepping into the bath Josh closed the door behind him and leaned on it for a moment sighing deeply. Outside of this crazy thing, this slowly into a nightmare changing dream world they built on their own, all he wanted to do was go out there, take Tyler in his arms, hold him close and tell him that everything was going to be ok, that they could stop, forget about it, be friends again. Memories of bloody blades, and half digested pills in vomit all over the floor held him back from doing so. Giving up, Josh realized, would have been nothing then the easy way to help himself out of this. Tyler would find something he could punish himself with, and he was way more cruel then the drummer could ever have been. 

Stripping from his nasty stage clothes, stepping into the shower Josh groaned on the curing effect of the warm water running all over his body. He took his time to brush his teeth while he showered, let his skin be soaked in the warmth. When he stepped out, the mirror was fogged, and the drummer decided to keep it that way, so he didn't needed to face his own reflection. The shade of him that started to front was nothing he was proud of. Gripping a towel and starting to dry off the drummer carefully looked out to not leave any wet space on his body. It was a transition in his personality, something that was odd, off the record, and helped him to slip into the right headspace for this. 

Taking a rash cream he had asked from the crews medical with him Josh returned into the room then fully dressed, stepping over to the bed, sat down on it. It was hard to not praise the younger for having done so good, for still kneeling there, only slight twitches of his fingers giving away how torn inside he was right now. Running a hand through his hair Josh sighed, finally shifting his attention to the singer, a shudder taking a hold of him as he was adressed. “Tyler...Accede*!” Keeping his movements slow, although it was visible how much he wanted to rush to the drummers side, the younger stood up then and walked over, stopping right before him. Not granting him the right of looking him in the eye Josh growled a deep “Down!”, waited for the other to kneel before he threw a “Turn!” at him. 

Shuffling around on his knees until his back faced the drummer Tyler returned to his trained position, waited breathless on what was to come. Calloused hands removed the scarf from his neck then, not with force but slow, gentle agony that hurt him even more inside. The revelation of his and Jennas misconduct was like a rupture in their bond of trust, at least it felt to Tyler this way. Letting the scarf fall to ground Josh observed the scars on his friends neck then. There was one longer, clean one on the front of his throat, it looked smooth, straight, like the cut of a knife, while the many little ones, ten in number, that painted the skin in his neck were swollen, deeper, irregular. 

Reminding Jennas long, strong nails she was so proud of Josh shuddered on the thought of how they dug into Tylers skin, ripped it apart, left it open and inflamed. Still, in all his empathy and will to take care for the younger he needed to stick to the plan of letting him feel kind of prosecuted without injuring him like she had done. Placing the palm of his hand on the back of the singers head Josh pressed him forward and down, his knee coming to rest at the youngers back, adding to the pressure, until Tylers front touched the carpet, his hands useless beside his body, the drummers weight grounding on his back, trapping him in this uncomfortable position. 

Without caring about touching him gentle Josh splayed some of the cream and started to rub it on the damaged skin in the youngers neck, pressing his knee further into his back to silence him as Tyler whined on it. Taking his time the drummer leaned back after a while, still letting his weight pin the other down. The singers clammy shirt stuck to his frame, dried with the sweat on his skin and cooled him down, under the point of being comfortable. From own experience Josh knew how greedy it was to reek of sweat and adrenaline, to be not able to wash it off. Smirking on the thought of having found the right punishment the drummer stood up then and left his friend lying face down on the floor. Tyler would not get clean that night. 

Shutting off the lights Josh lay down on the large bed then on his back, starred into the darkness above him, listened to the breaths softly coming from the man on the floor beside him. Tyler was awake and would probably be all night long, slowly recovering from the guilt he let his own brain load on himself through getting the possibility to expiate. As much as the drummer wished he would have been strong or drunken enough to withstand it, he couldn't let his friend fight this war all on his own in the end. Turning on his front, letting his hand fall down the bed and into the neck of the younger, Josh curled his fingers around the marks Jenna had made and hoped he could ease the pain with the warmth of his touch. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Not moving his eyes from the audio file he just worked on Tyler placed his glasses aside and reached for his phone. It was not often that he decided to wear them instead of his lens, but when he did they nearly had the function of another mask, one of the oh so many he had gathered over all this years. Right now, sitting in the small studio in the back of their tourbus, they had helped him to bundle his energy on his work, in the creating of new patterns that would soon become a song. Searching for the cleaning tissue blindly as he became aware how many fingerprints already where on them the singer read the incoming message. 

DimepieceJenna: How are you feeling?

Closing his fingers around the soft fabric Tyler took the glasses into his hands again and started to clean them meticulous, pausing to hold them into the light for a second and answering the message in the process before he returned to cleaning the other glass. 

TyoJ: Sane.

Checking a last time if they were clear the singer placed the glasses in their case and shut down the computer. 

DimepieceJenna: He did well then.

Deciding not to answer to that Tyler lay down on the small couch, his feet up on the armrest, his head supported by his arm. Still a small ache echoed through his body, reminded him of how hard he had strained himself, yet his mind was calm, relaxed, in clearness again. Somewhere along the night his body had given up and pulled him into sleep, regardless the position he had been in and when he woke up he had been lying in a tube, filled with warm water, had been taken care of. 

While just receiving impassible when in his subspace Tyler couldn't even find a name for the gratefulness he felt against his friend for handling him that well, catching him in his fall with methods that matched his weird way of thinking but still kept him safe. Brushing the thought of it aside he raised the phone a bit so he could better see the screen and type comfortable.

TyoJ: I miss you.

The moment the sentence left his phone to be transported through a digital world that had grown a shell to their physical one, the singer began to question if it was true. Did he really miss her? Or was it just the closeness, the feeling of being completely committed to another person and being able to express that to any time of the day. He could kiss Jenna, lean into her, let himself been wrapped in her arms whenever he needed it, while he could always submit to Josh in the dark, behind closed doors, as a resolution. In the daylight, with all the others around, their connection was limited to what they all thought friendship should be, although it had become so much more. 

Tyler had a broad knowledge on words, he studied them, chased for new ones permanently, got excited whenever he found an old one no one used too much anymore, but he was lacking to describe the way Josh and him had become. It was no love floating between them, not on the same level as it was with Jenna...still his trust in his friend overruled the one in his wife which left strange blurry spots in his soul. The hollow spaces couldn't be filled with Jennas quick, deeply appropriate answer. 

DimepieceJenna: I miss you more.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“Go Josh, dunk it!” Mark yelled after him as the drummer fixed the hoop and dribbled the last few meters before he offered to made the first point for his team, but right when he jumped up to push the ball though the net he was hit with a weight from aside and smashed to the floor. Not having been primed for this Josh yelped as he hit the concrete, luckily with his butt and not his arms first. Not paying his angry stare any attention Tyler ripped the ball out of his hand and started to the other side of the field, making the final point for his team to win the game. Naturally a heated discussion between the crewmates that had split up for the game followed, as Josh team exclaimed Tyler's move to be a foul. 

The drummer, who was still sitting on the floor a little dumbfolded didn't pay attention to their discussion, but looked behind them, where his friend still stood under the net, balancing and spinning the ball on one of his fingers, his whole posture challenging, as if he waited for the older to get on him. Not really getting what this was about, but never being one to turn down that kind of argument Josh pushed himself off the floor and wandered into Tylers quarter of the field, tapping his hands clean on his pants before gesturing the singer to return to the starting position. 

Getting there then, both slightly bending foreward and fixing each other, Tyler dribbled the ball on the ground before he suddenly moved to the side and tried to circle the drummer, who had picked up on the movement and went along with him. Making a few feet towards the hoop Tyler was aiming for they slowly drew the attention of the crew who wondered about why they still got on as the match was over. Snatching the ball out under Tylers hands Josh used the momentum he got out of it to let his shoulder collide with the youngers, sending him stumbling backwards, so the drummer got a advance as he raced to the other side of the field again, this time placing the ball in the net unhurriedly. 

Watching him from where he stood Tyler tilted is head and smirked, went back to the middle of the field. Their friends had slowly retreated to the sides of it by then, dead silent watching the two bandmates as they took line up in front of each other, this time Josh having the ball first. Starting to make small steps left and right the drummer didn't move forward then, waited for a chance to slip the taller by, but Tylers patience seemed at a boiling point and he just shoved the older back by his shoulders and placed his foot right behind him so Josh fell another time hard to the floor, before he ran off with the ball and made his point. 

Turning his head and shooting the people aside them a unapologetic glance Josh ended the scene then when he stood up and stretched his arms over his head. “Alright, you've won. Let's go shower.” Holding their breaths everyone seemed to wait for an explosive answer that never came. Tyler just nodded and threw Mark the ball, following his friend outside the gym. Glad that nobody came with them Josh gave them both time to cool down before he approached the younger.

Tyler was already standing under one of the sprays in the cabin showers, his eyes closed, head tilted back, water running down his face. For a slight moment the drummer wondered how he could even breath like this, when the younger suddenly stepped back a bit and cleaned his face of the droplets by running his hands over it. Not wanting to be caught starring Josh stepped under another spray and hit the button, cold water rushing down on him and making him groan, until slowly warmer ones came. Roughly washing his hair he turned, saw the other having his back at him, took the chance to study the slightly fainting scars in his neck. 

“What was that all about anyway?” he gave as casual as possible, not surprised that a shrug was Tyler initial reaction. “I'm competitive. You know that.” Taking a sip of water, flushing it in his mouth and then spitting it against the tiles Josh cocked his head so the spray could hit the junction of his neck and shoulders. “Hm...and why did it feel like kind of a payback to me?” Snorting Tyler took a bottle of shower gel from a shelf beside him and splashed some of it on his hand before he threw it at the older, who caught it with ease. “I'm able to differe our friendship from our relationship we have aside.” His tone gave away that he wanted to say more but didn't felt the need to, and Josh couldn't do other then confirm him of that. 

“You're implying that I'm not.” “No. I'm saying you should maybe think about it.” Returning his face under the water Tyler cut himself out of the conversation for a moment, enough for the older to clean himself up and find an answer. “Since we started this there's not a single moment I'm not thinking about this, Ty. And because I am I know that this thing back out there,” he pointed at the gym hall, “had nothing to do with your famous sense of wanting to win every game you play.” Squinting his eyes the drummer fixed the younger then, found him closing up, looking away. Josh drew his own conclusions out of this. The youngers actions had been well calculated. Tyler knew that he could trigger the drummer to help him when he just acted enough off the record. Taking a deep breath at the realization Josh crossed his arms before his chest, slowly releasing the air out of his lungs. “Tyler...are you trying to trick me into punishing you?” 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The constant hum of the bus was yet a background noise, still Michael came aware of it from time to time, especially in the late evenings when the conversations died down and the people left for the bunks. After having the possibility for a good workout in the gym the most of them had been hitting the sack early as they were worn out from the lack of practice. Josh had left about an hour ago, leaving Tyler to his serious battle of Mario Kart he had gotten in with Mark. Eventually the videographer gave up and excused himself too, so Michael and the singer were the only one still left in the lounge. 

Shutting down the game, placing the controller on the shelf under the screen Tyler smiled to himself in a moment of normalcy, quiet. They hadn't been able to fully talk things out, but they would, but at least Josh had gotten that he needed more, craved for his control to stay stable as long as things with Jenna where still unclear. Turning towards the aisle, being surprised with the security sitting across of it, starring at him Tyler tilted his head and tried to remain his smile. “What's up?” he croaked, trying to give himself the boyish, naive look that got him out of so many situations. 

Shrugging Michael folded his hands. “Are you ok, Ty?” Any other person asking would have probably gotten a copy of the smile along with a blatant lie, the security was too much of a friend to be treated like that. “I'm in control, Mike.” “That was not what I was asking. I don't wanna know if you function. I wanna know how you feel.” Stopping his attempt to rise and go to sleep Tyler sat back into the cushions then, pulling his feet up and placing them on the small desk before him. “Do you really wanna know?” Nodding Michael stood up and walked over, took place beside him. “Honestly? No. But I will listen anyway.” 

 

* Acede = Come here!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thx for all of ur comments :). As I like to use Music for Inspiration, here the song I used for the Scene between Jenna and Tyler in this chapter, enjoy
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Rewu-6LEOI

“Extensions? What extensions?” “A sign...something that you can read no matter if we're able to talk to each other or not.” “Like...something you wear...” “Exactly. And more...closeness...” “We've talked about this. That's not what we are about.” “I didn't mean it that way...just...touch me more. Keep grabbing my neck. Kneel on me. Something like that. It's grounding. It distracts me.” “Tyler?” “Yeah?” “How is this supposed to not change our friendship?” “I don't know. But maybe we have already changed...and this is just the logical outcome.” 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“Hey, dude, I need you to come with me for a moment.” Barely hiding his broad smile Mark pointed over his shoulder. “There's a special guest for tonight the management wants you to meet.” Sighing deeply Tyler got up from the couch he had been recovering on. The past few days had been physically hard on them as they had consisted of traveling the most of the time, plus the singers mood had reached a new low with the date this particular day held. It had been the day he had first met his wife, when his life suddenly had made sense in one single moment with her eyes turning on him and her smile blowing him away. Although he did struggle with their mutual addiction to each other he cherished it at the same time. With time he found himself dreaming of her again and again at night, about how she leaned down at him and drowned him in the blue of her magnetic eyes. 

Missing her more then ever now the singer got up and yawned, trailing behind his friend, used to have to meet people whenever he was told to. No one ever expected him to talk to them for long, so he was ok with it. Being led to the entrance area of the venue they'd play in that night Tyler got suddenly infected by a tingle on his neck that blossomed all over his body. Moments before she could wrap her arms around his neck and kiss his cheek Tyler felt Jenna nearing him and turned, welcoming her from face to face and letting his lips lock to hers right away. 

Mark chuckled somewhere behind them, probably taking pictures, but none of them cared, while Michael watched them from the other side of the parking lot, as well as he watched the drummer. Running both of his hands up and down his wifes face Tyler tried to make sure she was really there, not only a projection of his twisted minds desire, before he kissed her again and again until they both ran out of air. Connecting their foreheads he closed his eyes, inhaled her scent, let it fill him with life. “And there I was, being afraid you wouldn't want to see me!” she whispered in the little space between their faces, trailing her fingers through his hair, pecking his nose. “I could not even turn you away if I wanted.” Tyler confessed, accepting his fate with gratitude. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Returning the gesture as Jenna waved at him Josh sat beside the bus, trying to give of an busy expression while he cleaned his cymbals. It shouldn't have been such a bad feeling to see her there, in fact it should have been at least neutral, but something inside of him was awoken with her presence, something dark, hungry. After pondering for a while Josh called it possession. Being no idiot, always wanting to know what he did, the drummer had read a lot and heared of that effect too. Inside the lines of their contract Tyler was his, with one hundret percent of his being...outside of it, not even a single piece of him belonged to him and it left Josh more hollow then it should have. 

Without recognizing it the drummer had became used to be in control and now he lacked a spirit to aim for he came aware of his own flaws and inadequatnesses again. His obsession in the domination of the other had been nothing then an escape from a fact he had declined to accept, but that made itself visible for him, when he watched Jenna and Tyler exchange their affections towards each other. Josh was lonely, and he sourly recognized the danger of being able to change that with some simple commands. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Leaving his stage persona drowning with the paint in the showers sink Tyler scrubbed his hair dry and slung the towel around his waist. Slowly he opened the door of the bathroom, leaning against the frame and watched her, sitting across the room before a mirror, brushing her hair. When Jenna turned and smiled at him he felt his heart stop, like every time he saw her like this, breathtaking beautiful, her blond locks framing her delicate face, a soft lace gown adulating her form. Still it was not only her physical value that intrigued him so much. It where the sparkle in her eyes, the magnetizing feeling when she reached out her hand for him, sent a “Come here.” his way. 

Slowly following her plea he went to meet her where she rose, to his level, to welcome him with a kiss, slow, reassuring touches of lips, careful sliding tongues. Tangling her fingers in his hair Jenna pulled back a little, holding him by his strands as he tried to follow the movement, to get them connected again. “What do you want?” she asked, pressing her hips into his hands as they slid under the fabric of her gown, explored the pale skin lying underneath. Tilting his head and leaning in, nibbling on her jaw before tracing it with small touches of his lips up to her ear Tyler sighed, his voice as chapped as his lips were. “No restrains, no blindfold, no items tonight. Just tell me what to do...what you need.” 

Guiding him back to her lips with the hand on the back of his head Jenna accepted this rules, knowing that they had to built up from the start as they had shattered so violent last time. Yet she didn't know how to make him float, how to take control without leading him to the borders of pain, had to try new ways on instinct, on her own. Trembling on the inside she overcame a moral principle she had been taught from childhood on. Jenna had never talked openly about her desires, had never addressed audibly how she wanted to be touched. It had always felt kind of inpropriate to ask for more when he already made her feel so good, yet there had been some certain fantasies she never had brought up in fear of rejection. 

Taking a deep breath she sucked her husbands lip between her teeth, made him moan before she dug her nails into his shoulders carefully and pressed him down, pleased to feel him follow her lead, kneel in front of her. Tylers hands came to lay on the back of her thights naturally, like he would have known what she was aiming for, her anticipation making her tremble. A mixture of shame and arousel drove heat to her face as she let her hand get back to his head, gripped him harder this time and guided him closer to her body, to the place she was already starting to soak the panties she wore. “I want your tongue on me.” she commanded, quiet, firm, able to hide the way she twitched inside. 

What she couldn't stop was a low, long moan as Tyler obeyed her instantly, his hands gripping the back of her thights harder, his mouth pressing against the fabric of her pants, applying slight pressure with his tongue. For a while she let him tease her like this, then she yanked his head back, looking down on him, finding his orbs blown, his mind already gone, and Jenna dawned a realization. Every time she had tried to dominate him sexually she had bound him down, tried to edge him with pain and every time he had revolted and lastly won. Maybe it just had been the wrong way, the wrong angle to look at it. Maybe guiding him in this meant to let him play, but by her rules. 

“Ly me down.” she demanded then, watching in awe as he rose and picked her up, placed her on the bed cautiously, got on his place between her legs without needing her to tell him. Praising him silently by sitting up a bit and stroking the side of his face she restored eye contact, gave her voice as much gravity as she could. “Strip me. Work me. Make me come. Be creative, let me fly. Tyler...Oblectas*!” Feeling him tense as she demanded full control by using her dominant language in this her relieve couldn't have been stronger when he let his fingers slip beneath her pants and pulled them down her feet nonthless. 

It was risky to sub him, to bring him down while doing this, with their trust still tarnished, it bordered his rules of no restrains, but Jenna suddenly found that she simply didn't care. She was too much caught in the moment, in the mixture of the newness, the excitement, to rethink the consequences her actions might take. Laying back, tilting her chin as far up to the ceiling as it could go she gave another wholeheartly moan as Tyler slowly came back up her form again, stopped a second and sank his teeth in the flesh of her thigh, not brutally, just enough to be bruising, and make her grab his hair once more. “Behave!” she spat at him, tugged him closer to her core and held her breath as his tongue slid back in place, along with his fingers intruding her. 

Training her new found control Jenna ruled his angle, his rhythm, his intensity then by guiding him with the hand on his head and the moves of her body, slowly getting more determined in her new role. There was something she had never been brave enough to ask for, yet the idea had blown her mind. Now, being able to just realize her hidden thoughts, Jenna arched her body, grabbed his hand, guided it down a little further. She could feel his small hesitation as she pressed his finger against that space, a hint for him to enter, so she dug her nails into his shoulder, reminding him of not to think, just to act, just to let go of logical behaviour and be. 

Drunken by power and want and need Jenna snapped her head back then and fell into the sensation of it, responding wilder and louder as ever before, letting a piece of her mind, that she had kept hidden so well, finally fall between them for him to take advantage off.

Xxxxxxxxx

The energy between the crowd and them didn't feel right that day. Josh wasn't sure if it was just the constant grind that made them thin-skinned, but lately their fanbase were growing more and more demanding, less supportive. It was a challenge to be not offended by their accusations they wouldn't support all of them, and it surely threw Tyler off balance, as everyone noticed. He had already held back from the interviews a lot and let Josh do the talking, the drummer being more charismatic these days anyway, with a new sense of making his presence material. 

The singer tension had increased with every day they neared an award show they were suspected to attend, and now, on the evening before it, the mood between him and the crowd threatened to tip as Tyler recognized people in the front rows obviously fighting for their place. Interrupting the intro to “House of gold” he called out some girls, counted them down for the security and told them to leave. Josh knew that he could have stopped him easily, but this was not the time and the place to use his power over the other. Some mistakes needed to be made and regret later, of that the drummer was sure. 

It didn't surprise him when Tyler wore the thin silver wristlet that night, when he met up with them all after vanishing into his dressroom, ready for their drive to the hotel. Wordlessly the drummer passed him by, handed him the spare keycard of his room in the process. Nobody else seemed to notice the way the singer let it slip into his back pocket. Nobody else recognized they way Jenna took hold of his hand, dragged him with her, shooting Josh a precarious glance. No one but Michael understood that the tip of balance Tyler was afraid of was maybe more imminent then the singer thought. 

Xxxxxxxxxx

Waiting for her to get ready Tyler sat on a stool in the corner of their hotel room, his eyes trained on his hands, his foot slightly bouncing. Jenna could feel his restlessness, his impatience, still she held back from speeding her evening routine up. Brushing her teeth even a little longer then usual she finally found nothing more to do to delay his departure, and finally stepped to the bed, slipped under the covers. Turning to the side with a sigh she watched him stand up and walk over to her, kissing her lips, then her temple. “You're leaving me.” she said, tired and broken, the sadness displaying in her voice. “I'm not,” Tyler gave back just as steady, “but this is...something between me and him you wouldn't understand.” 

Scoffing she turned her back on him, glad to find him reach out his hand and still stroke her shoulder. “I do understand Tyler. You don't trust me anymore.” “I let you rule me.” “Yeah, on my request. But you keep running to him when you need it on your own.” Feeling a single tear slipping out of her eye she hid it well. “I'm loosing you.” For a long time, Tyler said nothing, just kept on touching her side, warm, long drawn strokes up and down, until he finally stopped, stood beside her. Letting his fingers slip over her temple for a last time he whispered an “I'm sorry!” and left her alone with the demon on jealousy burning up her soul. 

xxxxxxxxxxxx

“People recognize something's wrong. We should talk to him.” Throwing the music magazine he had just been reading on the desk between them Mark gave his friend a serious glance, just to be slightly annoyed by the fact that Michael seemed to ignore him. “I wonder if Josh already did...he's the closest to him these days.” Grunting the security reached for another chip and smashed it with his teeth, hoping the videographer would let go of the topic. “I mean...he's not looking so good somehow. And he's really grumpy. I had mercy with those girls, he called them out in the public, was not exactly a nice thing to do. Not that Tyler would be Mr. Sunshine normally...but somehow he's especially....” “He's fine.” Michael snapped finally, breaking the stream of thoughts the other let spill like a waterfall. 

“Tyler is just stressed, that's all, and he missed Jenna a lot. That's why I made her come here, I think he's a lot better with her around.” Nodding approvingly Mark tilted his head and chewed on the back of a lighter he had found on the desk. “I just wonder what Josh and her have going on. They were never that close, but lately it nearly seems like he's avoiding her.” “Gosh, Mark, can't you get yourself a hobby or something? These are your friends, not any goddamn reality-TV-soap!” Clicking his tongue while standing up and tossing the lighter back in his initial place Mark scoffed. “Why do I get the feeling you know something I am not aware of.” Knowing that no answer was the right one to this Michael kept silent, just to have his friend walking out on him, whistling between his teeth: “Because you do!”

 

* Oblectas = Entertain me!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again...all of you are way too nice! I'll try to Keep the Quality up, be nice if i fail :)

His hands getting still with every step he took closer to his friends room Tyler slipped the keycard in and entered. The second he exceeded the threshold the singer felt gliding down, his gaze pinning to the floor, his whole composure changing. Shoulders hunched forward, head bent, he shuffled into the middle of the room, sank to his knees where his master had already been waiting. Josh was prepared, this time even more then ever, he stood, hands linked behind his back, whole body stretched, chin up high, not looking or talking at the younger. The only conformation that he did even recognize him was when he let his hand fall on Tylers head, establishing their connection, stabilizing him while he slowly went deeper and deeper into his subspace. 

Time lost it's significance between their slowing breaths, between their souls drifting, so Josh couldn't tell if it had been minutes or hours he had let gone by before he rose his voice. “Tyler, dicere*!...What do you need.” Inhaling deeply the younger answered slow, like from far away, another dimension. “I need to...feel different.” Spreading his fingers into the youngers hair the drummer hummed lightly, let the gravity of the moment have it's space before he left Tyler, broke their physical contact for a while. Making sure that the other was securely floating Josh checked up on him from time to time, while he placed his items on a desk nearby one by one, then carried a stool over and sat down behind his friend.

Eyes fixed on his fingers Josh willed down the shaking as he raised his hand again, this time laying it in the youngers neck, triggering a deep sigh as he slowly increased pressure, not to the point of hurt, but enough to ensure Tylers affiliation. “Did you let Jenna hurt you again?” He asked, out of nowhere, his voice in a harder shade then usual. The youngers eyes flew open with a gasp and he tried to push back, but was held in his position by the drummers fingers thightning up in his scruff. “N....No...” he caughed, the letters only arduously leaving his throat, the pressure on his neck immidiatly subsiding. “Good.” Josh exhaled, leaning to the side and reaching for something Tyler couldn't see.

An electrical noise triggered him first, but he was quickly soothed by a hand falling on the junction of his shoulder, a thumb running up and down the smooth skin there. Slowly Josh brought down the electric shaver on his friends scalp, dragged it across in an fluid, concentrated movement. Feeling strand after strand raining down on his shoulders, the shape of his head slowly getting exposed to the world, Tyler did not flinch, not question, not react. That shaving his head was only the projection of the way the older changed his soul were an unspoken verity between them. 

In the mist of the morning, when nightmares and daydreams began to melt together, Josh finally stood, lay the shaver aside, beheld his act. Slowly coming to his knees in front of the younger too he reached out then, let the palm of his hand glide over Tylers head, slowly, from the front all the way back, until his fingers found their now familiar place in his neck. Letting himself fall forward the singer followed the pull that brought him closer to the other, leaned his front on the drummers shoulder, closed his eyes and let go of everything, anchored through the contact of their skin. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“It's...interesting?” Helpless trying to provide any positive reaction Mark tilted his head and observed his friend out of another angle. “I can't say that I expected it but...you look good...somehow...” While Michael scrunched his face into a grimace Tyler gave him a thankful smile, planting his cap back on his head. “Are you ready for the show tonight?” The videographer tried to keep the conversation going as they boarded the bus to travel a few hours. Raising his eyes to the sky for a moment Tyler answered a little delayed, but compelling. “I'm feeling strong.” Exchanging a glance with Michael behind the singers back then, Mark got into the bus and vanished to the bunk areas, while the security took place at the table and Tyler slid on the couch beside his wife. 

Jenna hadn't talked much that morning, she claimed to have an major migraine and even kept her shades on. Not being an qualified expert with woman Michael had spent time around them enough to assume that behind them her eyes where bloodshot red from crying. Josh hadn't shown up for breakfast that day, and when he finally came to the bus he took the last free place beside Tyler and concentrated on scrolling through his twitter feed. While the other members of the crew where busy talking about the chances of the duo to win the award, the security took only half part in their discussions. 

Watching Tyler reaching for Jennas hand and her pulling her fingers back as if the thin silver band he had on his wrist had burned her skin Michael got even more uneasy about the way the singer suddenly seemed so starched, but so heartbroken by her action at the same time. Fixing a point somewhere on the wall in front of him Tyler just zoned out then. Michael didn't like the way his friends stare felt so empty. It reminded him too much of a time where Tyler hadn't been the person the world had became to love so much. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The glare of the spotlight aimed at him frightened him, made him jump. Standing in the middle of the stage, all eyes on his half exposed body, every little blemish highlighted Tyler felt anxiety creeping up his throat, the impulse to flee, but the drum that started it's steady beat behind him reigned him in, brought him under control again. Slipping back into his subspace Tyler made his way through the song, didn't care about if people thought he'd did it right. The synchronicity was all that mattered, being in flow with him, following Joshs lead. 

Reaching the point where the music retreated, where his voice was all that was left to give, the singer gave his words truest from his heart, but he sang them not for the cameras, the fans or the journalists standing by. Pleading help for thinking too much had been aimed at god, when Tyler had wrote down the lyrics. Now these request belonged to Josh. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sipping on a drink someone had handed her Jenna stood aside, feeling carelessly discarded and disremembered. Tyler had not returned last night and when he had in the morning she knew right away that Josh had not woken him up. It had been itching in her hands to break the drummers spell, but she couldn't tell what effect a intermixture of their powerplays would have on her husband, so she resigned, accepted it. Seeing him play with the silver band on his wrist while they drove to the TV station carved a hole in her heart. So Josh had put another sign of his domination on him. His name on the singers tight, something that had happened like an omen years ago, had apparently not been enough to let her know who Tyler belonged too. 

After dissolving backstage the two men had appeared at the after party and Tyler had taken notice of her, at least as long as all the cameras had been around. Quickly he had drifted off to conversations with important people, something she was used too but that felt more wrong this time, when she didn't wanted to sit down on a table with them and silently wished he wouldn't too. Obviously Josh had gave him back his free will, as Jenna could see him act on his own, without searching any connection to the other. Also, the wristband was gone. Shifting her attention to the drummer the blonde was caught by surprise as she found him starring back at her, his front slightly furrowed, his eyes cold. Josh and her had never been extremely close to each other, they hadn't been able to figure out how the other worked, but there had been a time where they had respected each other for being an important part in the life of the miracle called Tyler Joseph. Now, with the noise of all the people between them, all Jenna felt looking at the older was contempt. 

Not willing to back down she held his stare, their silent battle going on for a while, until an idea sprung in her mind, a dark, destructive one. Pushing herself off the wall Jenna placed her half full glass on the tablet of a waiter she walked by without taking her eyes off the drummer, who straightened and braced for her approach. With a smile sweeter then thousand lies she stepped close to him, took his hands and pulled him on the improvised dancefloor the people on the afterparty used, sliding her hands around his neck and her form close to his. Less hesitant then she expected his hands came to lay on her waist and Josh started to sway them to the beat, innocently turning her around and pressing her against him, smirking as she shuddered on his breath so close to her neck. 

“You're taking it too far!” she hissed between her teeth, boring out and facing him again, getting closer so she could whisper in his ear. “You're starting to change him...and I can't let that happen!” Chuckling lightly Josh grabbed her body harder and spun them both, before giving both their hips the beat of the song and holding it. “What, are you afraid he won't let you abuse him anymore?” Sliding her knee between his legs, creating a dangerous kind of friction Jenna let her body drop a little down then before she came up before him slowly again, looking him deep into the eye. “I never meant to hurt him. It was an accident!” 

Not even the slightest impressed by her move the drummer let one of his hands drop to her lower back and bowed her, then snapped her up again and pressed her close to him with his palm between her shoulders. “Accidents happen fairly often with you don't you think?” Letting her gaze dart above his shoulder Jenna checked if her husband had already seen them. Tyler seemed to notice, he looked their direction shortly, but then returned to his conversation. Cursing inwardly the blonde placed one of her hands on the drummers chest, looked up coy at him, although her voice was stone cold. “I never kept him in subspace for this long. I never took decision over the way he presents himself in public. You're taking care of things that don't belong in your hands, Joshua, and you do it to feed your desire for fame.”

Letting his head drop to her shoulder he growled back, his thread muffled by the rich fabric of her dress. “Be careful who you stand against, Jenna. Shed in the light of selfishness I think you got a lot more to hide then me. You get off on hurting him. That's anything but sick, and I don't mean that in the good way.” With their actions getting more and more intimate the blonde had felt her husbands interest rising. Now, that she was sure they had his full attention she leaned forward, so that only a few inches lingered between her and Joshs face. “Maybe you're right. Maybe I AM selfish. But I got the right to be, I'm his goddamn wife! You, on the other hand...you are nothing to him, Joshua, not by blood and not by justice, you're only as much as Tyler gives you value. And that, my friend, is something I'm going to change.” 

Lightly grabbing her neck the drummer did not retreat from the tension between them, in the opposite he fueled it up even more. “You won't be able to cut the bond Tyler and I have. It was there way before you came.” Seeing the singer rise in the corner of her eye Jenna smirked and tilted her head. “I know. But I'm gonna shift the power between the two of you just like you have done with us.” And then she leaned in and kissed him in the middle of dozens of cameras, bustling brought to life.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

“...with the new lens, but I have to say the old ones had a slight blurry effect that really HOLY SHIT!” Ripped out of the doze Marks explanations to a befriended photographer by his unusual use of cursing, Michael searched the room frantically for the cause of it and added a quieter, but still heavy falling “Fuck!” as he caught the center of attention. On the dance floor, a few meters away from them, Jenna and Josh stood with each other...or more like, half tangled into each other as far as the security could tell. Theire actions seemed strangely chopped by the flashlights of the cameras around them, still there was enough motion to let unmistakenly shown that they kissed.

Starting into action the exact moment as the singer Michael managed to approach the pair the same second he did, already playing off a emergency plan in his head should the younger attack the drummer. But all Tyler did was grabbing his wifes wrist, yanking her off his friend, shoving his shoulder into the olders as he passed him by, Jenna stumbling helplessly behind him, trying to get rid of his grip. Josh didn't move, he just stood and starred at the empty spot before him, shook his head, as if he was just about to wake up. Having studied the behavior of journalists for a long time Michael was able to react then before they were, closed his hand around the drummers arm and led him aside, out of the room full of people, the hallways, down to their cars. 

Calling Mark and his CO in the security team on the way Michael made sure that Tyler and Jenna were secure, before he slid into the backseat beside the drummer, gestured their driver to go. Leaning with his arms on his tights, his head on his knees Josh took deep breaths beside him, started to shudder slow but increasing. He hadn't slept for two days, couldn't remember when he had eaten last, but the worst thing was that he couldn't explain what had taken him over, somewhere along Tylers arrival in his room and the moment his best friends wife kissed him. The drummer felt like splitted, torn in a half, not in control of all the emotions tumbling down on him anymore. 

With a grim look Michael reached out and placed his palm between the others shoulderblades, started to count, to help him to manage his breathing. They had been through this, often enough, it just had gotten less and less lately, since Jenna and him had fallen into this wicked game. It was strange, fascinating, but at the same time just cruel, seen from the securities' perspective. The only outcome of it was that the more the singers wife suffered, the more Josh seemed to gain strength and the other way around. Running themselves into ground they still went round after round, racing for a win that never could be reached, as they made Tyler loose himself more and more along the way. 

 

* dicere = Talk!


	12. Chapter 12

Her tears painting an ugly pattern on the shirts she laced in her suitcase Jenna tried to ignore the pain all over her body. What should have been a fight, a discussion, yells, had ended up in bites and shoving into walls and bruises, leaving both of them bleeding, climaxing without reaching a high., and crawling out of stained sheets with the feeling of being dirty in the dawn. “Jen...please.” Sitting on the bed behind her Tyler had nothing more to give then his words, normally one of his most precious possession, now they seemed so useless and cheap, not enough to be an exchange that made her stay. Shaking her head slightly the blonde got on to gather her belongings. “I can't...I should have never came back after...” letting the sentence linger in the air Jenna stopped for a moment, giving him a gaze, nearly starting to whine on the way he looked so hurt, broken, just like she felt inside.

“Joshua is right, Ty...and I should have known from the start. You were never mine...and you can never be. You put your name on each other years before...and you left your ring when you went to him for correction. We need to face the facts, Tyler. I may be the one that's in your heart. But I'm not the one you want to belong to.” Watching him running his hands over his bare head as if to scrape his thoughts together she went over, touched his cheek, made him look up at her. “I'm just sorry I didn't realize this sooner. I shouldn't have done this, it was unfair, to the both of you. I hope it will not effect your career too much.” Wanting to turn she was caught in his arms suddenly, as he locked them around her thighs, pulled her close, buried his head between her feet. 

More feeling then hearing the “Stay!” he gave Jenna was torn between what her heart and her mind told her. She knew they had to end this, for the sake of god, and neither Josh nor Tyler seemed to be strong enough to do so. Struggling for enough courage herself she couldn't ignore the beat of her heart getting faster, when he took her arms and tugged her down at his level, kissed her soft, took away the slight pain he had left on her lips the night before. “Stay with me...” he repeated, searching her eyes for the sparkle of love he hoped was still there, “and I will show you that I'm yours.” 

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

“Are you crazy?” “Mark, please, I slept like two hours, spare me the drama!” Shutting the door behind his friend Michael yawned rubbed his eyes,looking unfazed by the youngers obviously anger. “Don't give me shit, man, not right now! You fucking knew that Tylers' wife was cheating on him with his best friend and didn't tell him? Dude, I can't even tell who of you is lower for me right now, you or Josh!” Crossing his arms before his chest the security tried to keep himself in check as his mood wasn't exactly the best already. “Woah, cam-boy, you better watch your mouth!” Pointing his index finger at him, glaring through squinted eyes Mark growled: “You knew at least something!” 

“Yeah I did and I did not tell anyone for a reason.” Taking it as the confession that it wasn't the videographer wanted to turn then, spit a “We're done!” between them, but Michael stopped him by choosing the weapon of words and not the one of rage. “Josh didn't do Jenna, man! To be honest, I nearly wish he would have – because in the end, it would have been way less fucked up then what they really did. But the thing is...” locking his gaze with the turning younger Michael reminded himself of a promise, one that he had given long time ago, when Tyler and him hadn't been more then some wild boys with bloody knees and dirty hands. “I can't tell you about it. Ty needs someone he can trust now more then ever. And I'm not going to be the one who let's him down.” 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Josh woke up just like he had fallen asleep, from one moment to the other, without the soft transition of being half-dreaming. While the sudden fall into blackness had been a relieve the coming back wasn't as pleasant. Wishing he would have drunk the drummer immediately recognized every single fracture of what had happened, and groaned deeply on the memory, turning around in his bed to get up. That was when he jumped startled on the person sitting beside the bet, watching him from close. “FUCK! Tyler!” Cursing loudly Josh starred at his best friend from the other side of the bed now, his heart hammering against his chest, his head spinning. After the reaction the younger had shown the evening before Josh had not expected to see him so soon, as the singer normally tended to overthink awkward social interactions like this a lot before he attended them.

This time he found Tyler looking worn out, dark circles around his eyes, but his demeanour was sure, like he had planned out what he wanted to do already in that short time. “You creep me out, dude!” The drummer finally stated, after they had stayed for some seconds like that, the younger still sitting on the floor, but not giving an answer. Getting nervous on the way Tyler watched him, stepping aside and grabbing a shirt Josh started to ramble then. “Listen...I don't know what Jenna told you and I got no idea if you'll believe me but it was not me who....” “I know.” Simple and soft, in the same way as they had spoken to each other years ago when they had whispered each other their dreams Tyler took the severity out of the situation. 

They both exhaled, relaxed, Josh pulling his shirt on and rounding the bed, slowly sitting down near his friend. Both falling into the same position, their backs on the bed, their feet propped up beside each other, they didn't let brake silence in this time. Ungainly searching for the youngers hand the drummer let his head fall back and to the side as he found it, laced their fingers together. “Still, I may have went too far a bit. I took you from her, and that's not ok.” Keeping his eyes closed, his head swaying lightly on his shoulders the singer face played a thousand emotions when he answered just as quiet. “I need to assure her. Therefor...I will still turn to you, when it is for the sake of our music, for you to guide me, whenever we fell it's necessary.” Squeezing the olders hand a bit Tyler turned his head, but still had his eyes closed. 

“Josh...I need you to remove all subliminal commands you gave me.” “I've never...” Brown eyes flew open, silenced him with their sadness. “Don't lie to me, Joshua...not when I'm your friend.” Staying silent on this, starring straight into the others eyes the drummer tried to sort out his feelings about this. The logical part inside of him told him that this was the chance to let go of all this, of this wicked, sick thing they had gotten themselves into, still the power had already caught him so much in her grip that he couldn't help but hold on to the straw of being at least sometimes able to held her. “Why not stopping all together?” he said, finally, assuaged by he way Tyler leaned his head on him, an he did just the very same, clinging on to each other in a world that had gotten to complicated for fighting it alone. “I can't. I'm not right, Josh, there's something...askew, off, broken. I can't fix it on my own. But I also can't go back to let them numb me. I...I don't wanna be an emotionless ghost again. I'll do anything it takes to not let that happen. Please Josh...” 

It broke his heart to see the other pleading like this, for something that shouldn't be asked for, not between the two of them, not after they had become so close. The drummer knew that following Tylers appeal would take a long, intensive scene for both of them, as commands once planted in ones' brain, weren't so easy to be removed anymore. It would give him another dosage of power, that would get him addicted even more, and finally lead him into agony, when he was not able to hold it anymore. Still he couldn't deny his friend the wish to be free.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Blood and black ink mixing, the outcome wasn't to see right away when the tattoo artist slowly stung needles into Tylers skin. Starring at a crack in the ceiling the singer didn't want to see it anyway. It hurt, more then it should have, as it was nothing then a simple writing, small in space, not filled out and large as the squares on his arm had been. Yet he had to hold on to himself with all he had to not jump up and end this, as Joshs name was slowly replaced by the one of his wife. Like a part of him being erased it vanished, with a finality that convulsed his deepest insides. Only Jennas warm hand in his, her presence still beside him held him there and Tyler concentrated on her beautiful face, while his was covered by tears. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

“...with Josh Dun and Tyler Joseph from Twentyone Pilots! Hey guys, thank you for letting us talk to you!” “Thank YOU for having us!” Flashing his most significant smile Josh tried not to vomit into the microphone as he felt sick of his own deceitfulness. There had been some rules to the band, something he had ironically realized on the drive to the interview, and one of it had been to never fool with the truth in serious topics. They bent it sometimes, they made fun of it, but they had never lied. This time they were going to do exactly that and Josh felt like they were committing a sacrilege. 

“So,” squirming a little in his seat, obviously not really comfortable with the fact to be the first one to have the chance to learn what happened, the reporter got on, “as you surely expect there's this one big question all of us have hanging in the air, so I'm not gonna pussyfoot around. What the heck guys?” Turning to them, tilting his head he waited then, obviously analyzing they way they sat close together, their shoulders touching, just like they always did. “Being on tour we get a lot of time traveling, which can be boring sometimes. Truth or dare is a pretty good way to get rid of that.” Tyler threw in casually, playing with the ring on his finger. 

“So Jenna was dared to kiss Josh?” Shrugging the drummer decided to went with it, although it was hard to not stand up and just leave. “Yeah...that she did it right there might have been more the dare of the tequila she had but...” They all three took time to chuckle a little, it felt constructed and tense, still it did it's effect. “So we are not gonna see the big dramatic break up of the infamous duo called Twentyone Pilots?” the interviewer asked, smiling satisfied now. With the strange taste of copper on his tongue the drummer held on to the antic that were needed as Tyler answered over subscribed cheery: “We already broke up and reunited again. There's nothing that can get a friendship like ours apart.” 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

One date chasing the other the insane schedule the tour held for them brought a strange kind of stability into it, Michael learned. Of course his friends where in big focus right now, not only the media and the fans, even the crew watched their every move, took in their every gesture. They all knew the boys had lied, they all knew they had their reasons, still everyone was eager to learn what was going on behind the curtains. But somehow the three of them seemed to have found a rhythm, even if it was one that left Josh visibly beaten. 

The drummer had gone back to his old behaviour of being quiet, held back, and Michael would have been worried about him a lot more if not his kindness would have been returning as well. Somehow, with his focus obviously taken off from Tyler, Josh eased up more, took part in social interactions of the crew, while his friend and his wife used every second they got to spent time with each other. Tyler didn't leave her side a single moment when they were on the road, he always kept in physical touch with her and even if Jenna seemed hesitate, she at least accepted his need for closeness. Michael tried to be subtle as he watched them, sitting in a bunk together, Jenna laying in her husbands arms, her gaze trained on the phone in her hand. Tyler had slung his arms around her, his chin resting on her shoulder, his eyes closed. The more time the security took to observe them, the more he saw the strain that still lingered between them.

Jenna was tense in the singers arms, agitated, even if she didn't move. As much as Tylers fondness soothed her heart, her mind was raged by the withdrawal of control. He hadn't let her subject him, not for days and she nearly broke down knowing how much he fought behind his eyes to not need her guidance, to be stable and strong on his own. It was a battle to be lost from the beginning, still she had decided to let him learn by himself, that there were no way out. While Tyler still thought he'd be able to fight this all on his own, for her it was a fact that he only had two options to live: Being drugged down for the rest of his life, or finding peace in submission to a person, that could take him over at all times. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

Interviews, Shows, Meetings, Travel...it all passed Josh by in a blurry, without really affecting his soul. As much as he seemed to return to himself on the outside, as dead he felt when no one was looking, investing interest and time in him. One conclusion that the drummer had drawn, now that he have had a little distance, was that he maybe had never suffered so much of his loneliness before because he hadn't known how it felt to be so close to another persons heart and being, that it nearly bordered on the feeling of altruistic love. He began to question his life, his fame, his situation. Not only one time he had turned down the opportunity to find another resonating soul to follow his friend to where they were now. Yet in this moment, in the shadows of his own existence Josh found that he maybe had sacrificed too much for a dream that might had stopped to be his along the way.

Being a selfless, down to the core good person, it was hard for Josh to cope with the feeling of being handled unfair, when he knew it was not right at all. There was no debt Tyler had to credit him and if the younger wanted to dissolve the bond they had built, there was nothing in the world he could bring up to justify to decline that. Still, when Josh dimmed the light in his room that evening, arranged the items he planned to use, he was waging with his own demons, trying to let the dark not take him as a prisoner, and prayed that he would be strong enough to not make Tyler his villain, when it seemed to be the only way to not loose him at all. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Leaning her body into his, letting her hand glide around his hip Jenna slid under the spray her husband already stood under, let his thin layer of growing-back hair getting soaked through and through. He had told her that he wouldn't be with her that night and Jenna hadn't asked, as he had done already enough to prove that she hadn't to fear to loose him. Tyler stayed still like a stone while she prepped his shoulder with kisses, let her fingers glide over the encrusted scar that would picture her name soon and then wrapped them around him, started to move. Only when she got bolder, bit down lightly on his skin he exhaled, let his head fall back and hit her shoulder. Yet there was not a single moan, not a little word falling from his lips as she made him come, her one arm slung around his chest. Jenna did not let go when he flawed, let the water clean both his body and her hand, listened intense to her emotions, the language of her heart. The blond had already realized that it would take her a lot to let go of the need to control, but feeling the beat of their hearts align Jenna started to cry as she learned that her love for him was still stronger then any need for power in the world could be.


	13. Chapter 13

Sometimes, when certain things happen, the gravity of a situation generates small waves, like a stone thrown into a sea, effecting all the people standing too close to that special slot in time. Whatever kind of spirit lingered above them all that night, it wasn't a good, as well as it was no evil one. 

When Tyler left her, Jenna walked out on the balcony of their hotel room, her bare feet gliding noiseless over the cold floor. She held her husbands ring in her thightly closed fist, gripped the railing, closed her eyes and let the wind whisper her tales, so she not had to listen to the voice of the power calling inside of her. 

Michael stirred in his coma, as the blackout state his exhaustion had pulled him in wasn't worth to be called sleep, it was soaked in nightmares and tosses and turns. With a furrowed front and a heavy heart Mark watched him rest, folding his hands, tapping the tip of his fingers against his own lips, silently asking himself when the four of them had stopped to be close enough to have each others back regardless what happened.

Creeping through the hallway, more dragging himself then walking upright, Tyler didn't bother to flick on the light, found enough brightness in the red emergency lamps softly glowing. Raising his hand, forming it to a fist he took a second of hesitation, before he brought it down with force, knocked once, twice before he turned the knob, opened the door...and the world came to an halt.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

There were more body to the atmosphere in the room this time. Maybe it were the candles, their doubled existence, the dance the real flame did with the one that was reflected in the mirror. Tyler felt it wrap around his skin, nuzzling to his form, seducing him right away. The scent was different, soothing, streamed from burning sticks on the dresser, gave an additional layer that calmed him down. Although sitting on the floor in the half-dark Joshs face was still no mystery for the younger, they knew each others features too well by now to be confused by such simple things as absence of light. Fizzling wicks created the only symphony that acomponied their breaths when Tyler went over, sat down before him. 

Starring down at the olders hands the singer found the wristband lying in it, nearly reached out to imidiatly attach it, give him the sense of belonging again, but Tyler felt that Josh wanted to talk, and so he waited, kept his mind clear, as much as the pull into the need to float began. Letting the thin silver band glide through his fingers the drummer smiled on that understanding, that wordless communication between them, set an end to it though. “I' m not going to apologize for what I've done.” “I never demanded you ask for forgiveness.” “Still we both know it would be the right thing to do. But I can't. It may have been wrong, still I don't regret doing this with you. I think you gave me a lesson, Ty, an important one. And that's something I'll be thank full for all my life.” 

Reaching out, letting his hand touch his arm the singer asked him to look at him then. “You're going to leave, aren't you. This is a good bye.” he said, when Josh finally raised his eyes, no hope of changing his mind reflecting in it, just hints of tears that didn't wear shed. “I know this all...the band...us...it made us happy for a while. But I think it's not what we're really searching for. You always talk about joy, Tyler...it's time that you go home and find that where it was supposed to be from the beginning: With her.” Breathing on the surface, shallow the singer couldn't hide his pain, although he kept their pace as steady, not letting the end getting loud or confused. “And you?” “I will go find my joy elsewhere. I think I'm ready to do that now. You made me strong enough.” 

Ending the moment as he didn't knew how long he would be able to hold on to himself Josh raised his free hand, locked it around his friends neck, pulled him in. The brush of their lips had no sparkle in it, it was no transition of love but a silent thank you for all the times they had relied on each other, when the dark had came too close. Keeping their fronts in touch the drummer reached for the others hand then, placed it on his thigh were the wristband lay and closed the clasp, exhaled and drew back slowly. Standing up Josh retreated, waited for Tyler to calm down, to breath, to show signs of relaxation. It took a long time until the singer finally accepted and let his shoulders fall forward, slightly bend his head. 

“We need to get you focused for this one. I need to give you a task.” Stepping to the desk behind him Josh picked up one of his sticks, returned to the younger. “Give me your hands.” he said, glad that the other couldn't see him biting his lip at the connect of their fingers. Balling Tylers hands into fists, outstretching his thumbs and aligning them parallel the older placed his stick on them then and brought the singers arms before his body. “Don't let it fall.” he said, starting to turn around and walk away, but holding back for a second, sinking his hand on the youngers head and let it linger there for a moment. “You can do this. Tyler...Animum intendero!*”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

At first, it was easy, nearly a help to put his running thoughts to sleep, but like a petulant child they kept coming up and up again. Over, gone, broken. Josh was leaving. Tyler could feel himself start to tremble before he could see it, and knew instantly he would fail. Too violent was his bodies' reaction on the shock that just sat in, and with a clatter the drumstick fell to the floor. His breath getting ragged, his eyes filling with tears Tyler wanted to fall forward, ram his head into the ground. Failure, not good enough, disappointment. Before he could hurt himself, correct this mistake, there was hand on his head, warm, soothing, calming him to kneel and be still.

The singer did not raise his eyes, but kept them open, inhaled, exhaled, flinched on the fingers slowly gliding into his neck, grounding him again. Crouching down beside him Josh took his hands, brought them in position again, placed the stick on it. He stayed with him for some minutes, then the drummer retreated again, sat down somewhere behind him, out of his line of sight. Feeling his heartbeat speeding up Tyler tried again to concentrate, to be good, to master the task he had been given. Fixing his eyes on the stick before him he experienced the edges of his vision getting blurry, the weight in his arms getting more and more, pulling him down. 

Feeling tears welling up his eyes, breaking free, rolling over his face the singer tried so hard to succeed, but yet failed again, when the stick hit the floor after some time, when he lost his balance and just couldn't hold it up anymore. Out of angle, too far gone, sick. This time giving in to the pull Tyler came down on his hands and knees, his shoulders shook now, fingers clawed into the rough carpet. Again, there was no blame, no punishment coming from the older. Again Josh just came to him, touched him, let him calm and made him try again, and again as he failed, and another time, until Tyler was close to set an end to it. 

Sensing his friends barrier the drummer sat down beside him sighing then, letting his hand stay in his neck this time as they did another try. “Ty...I know you don't want to pass this task because you don't want me to leave, but you gotta let go. Concentrate, breathe, go down. You can do it.” Staying beside the younger this time, never breaking their contact, Josh watched him pushing through the panic and pain, his arms stretched out steady, the stick not moving an inch on his thumbs, Tylers eyes getting clouded an distant as he set all energy his mind got on the object before him. Waiting an extra while to make sure he was so focused that it was easy to sneak past his subconsciousness' defenses, Josh leaned in then, brought his mouth close to the youngers ears. “I don't want you to hear, Tyler, but I need you to listen...”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“Conticesco, spiritus tenebris,  
Dimittero!  
Ut producat de chao  
Cure te ipsum  
Ita ius esto non te subdis  
non es mihi, qoud non est aluid.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wandering through the desserts of his mind Tyler kept on moving, afraid to stand still. He didn't knew where he was, as all this darkness around him felt so vivid, and yet he somehow figured that this couldn't be real. Grey, endless sand all around him, there seemed no horizon, nothing he could fix his eyes at. Slowly turning around he tried to understand, get back into the floating feeling, to swim to the surface again. And then, the comprehension hit him. This was the bottom, the ground of his self. This was where his root was, his source code, where all of his mental laws were written. 

Moving slower now, setting one foot before the other in care, Tyler got on, a small circle of dim light following him around. Endless, numberless corns of sand passed his eyes until he saw something, a person, sitting at the edge of his perception. Cautious, unsure of the dimension he was in, the singer went closer, rounded the bent over human and looked down at him. It was a boy, a young one, maybe three, his hair hanging loosely into his face, uncombed and long, on dirty cheeks. The kid sat there, his eyes trained at the floor, without expression, hollow, as his hands where. Tilting his head the singer didn't needed to ask, he didn't needed to think, he just knew as he sat down in front of the boy, linking their hands together, and let the healing begin.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sitting upright in the dark, on the edge of their bed, Jenna did not sleep a single second all night. It was a silent battle she fought inside herself, one of want and need, one of sacrifice and doubts, and with ever second of her life the clock on the counter beside her ticked away she came to more peace with herself. Maybe, this all had been to big for them. Maybe living in a world of spotlight and roads and traveling had taken their soul away from them and left them empty, just like it did with so many people in so many different ways. 

Never had they fallen for the promises all the drugs, the alcohol, the lifestyle had given...but they had built their own personal doom, that had gotten them addicted and burned them out instead of leading them higher as they had expected it to do. With meekness rising in her Jenna softened her features when the door was unlocked by a card on the outside, opened and let a ray of light fall into the dark room. There weren't any hard feelings in her face anymore as he looked at the outlines of him, stood up and went over, connected them by laying her head on his chest, listened to his heart's beat. None of them spoke a word, still Josh and Jenna told each other how sorry they were, not for who they were, but for the pomposity to be immune to the curse of power. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

No wind, no sun, no change, just silence. Tyler couldn't estimate how long he had been there, he just knew that the boy had been for ages. Afraid, cold, alone...till the point he was breaking and turned into a shell for a gone mind, sitting and starring, not able to move back to the surface. The singer had been surprised that he hadn't figured out right away, but the kids hands weren't as empty as they seemed, they had once held something, he was sure about that, it had eroded and mixed up with the sand, disappeared into it's gray mass. 

Somewhere, outside of his recent transcendental body he heard someone calling for him. Maybe he had been there for too long already and Josh tried to wake him up, but Tyler didn't want to follow. He did want to stay there, in the vacuum of sound, with the silent boy, and carry on their mental conversation.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“There must be something we can do!” “YOU brought him there! I think you've done enough!” “I didn't meant for him to go so deep! How should I've expected...” “You knew what you did the moment you started to mess with his subconsciousness!” “All I did was give him the opportunity to find himself!” Panting in distress, agitated on the sight of her husband in a state like this, Jenna held back not to throw her fists against the drummers chest. “You did the worst thing you could have done, Joshua!” “I tried to HELP him god damn!” Looking down on the singer who knelt motionless in the same position for hours, completely gone, not reacting to any try to lead him back, his wife touched his head, slung her arms around his neck, got down in an embrace behind him. “You sent him down to face his worst enemy. Nothing kills a man faster then his own mind.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

* Animum intendero = Konzentriere dich!

** translated loosely:

be still, dark ghost  
give up!  
Sort out the Chaos  
Cure yourself!  
This shall be: You'll never subside again  
not to me, and not to anyone else.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys...I'm very, very, very nervous about this chapter, as it is Kind of ringing in a plot Twist I'm not sure anyone of you have seen coming.   
> I'm curious to see how all of you gonna react to it, and I'm totally open for any critics.   
> The Story is getting a bit dark from here (not that it was all light before) and the Graphic Violence tag is there for this later chapters.

It's hard to warm a cold hand, when the own fingers are clammy as well, still Tyler tried to concentrate all body heat he had left on the point he connected with the boy. At least he was no body, his skin did hold the warm after all, and something changed behind his eyes, slow, endless. He had been in this rigor for way too long to over come it so easy, but Tyler did not press, he had time, decided to wait. Whoever the kid was, they had kind of the same structure, the singer learned. The outside world didn't mean anything to him right now and the voices calling his name faded more and more in the distance.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

Laying a hand on her shoulder, startling her out of her sleep Josh tried to sound softly when he spoke to her. They had fought so much, he was tired of it, as in the end it turned nothing then their souls into ice. “I think we should get help Jenna.” Shaking her head sleepy the blonde rested her front on her husbands hand, lying still beside her on the bed. After they had tried to wake him up over and over again, the singers wife and best friend had decided to get him at least into a comfortable position, and managed to drag him to the bed. It had been hard though, as Tyler was stiff in his given state, not helping or flexing a bit, broken eyes kept open, though no moving of his lids could be seen. 

They settled on waiting then, long excruciating minutes running, nothing on the singers form giving away that he was alive, except the shallow rise of his chest and small, little drops of sweat, forming on his front, running down his temples, until Jenna stood up, got a cloth and started to dry them off whenever they occurred. When the silence became unbearing both of them snapped, needed to get their overboarding emotions out of their head. Throwing bitter words at each other they had getting silent over time again, Josh taking place in a chair behind her, crossing his legs, holding his chin in his hand, watching her pray and call and plead Tyler to come back on his own, while the drummer didn't even knew if it was possible. 

He had underestimated the power of the preconsciousness, the barrier that carefully held back contents out of the depth of a personality, the ones that could shatter that persons mind. When he had done the command that had meant to set his friend free from heteronomy, it had blown up the borders of his mind as well. Everything Tyler had held back without knowing, every memory his soul had split from his self so he didn't had to suffer on it , every little frame his mind had recorded, tumbled down at him at once. Tired enough to have visions Josh leaned his head to the side, on the wall enjoyed it's cooling effect, while he asked himself if god had felt the same kind of lost when he gave men their free will.

Xxxxxxxxxx

The environment changed, subtle first, but after the absence of any stimuli even the slight move of a single sandcorn between them caught Tylers gaze. He looked up, and saw dark clouds in the far, where there were mountains suddenly. No lightning split the dark, still the singer felt electricity tingle in the back of his neck and warning him, giving him an impulse. Looking back at the boy he realized that the kid had moved, had turned his head in the same direction as well, sticking it's eyes to the more and more darkening horizon. “We must leave.” Tyler said into the hot air building up around them, his own voice ringing foreign and aged in his ears. Not taking facing him fully, always keeping his sight bend to him, the boy just slid his small hand into his again and tugged him to follow along.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Yawning Mark opened the door, just to be triggered fully awaken by the look on his friends' wife face. “Jen! What happened? Is Ty ok?” Avoiding his gaze, trying to look behind him the blonde made no deal to hide her nervousness and fear, dark bags turning her beautiful eyes into deep holes of desperation. “I need to talk to Michael ASAP. Is he awake?” Slowly feeling anger rise the videographer crossed his arms before his chest. “No he is not but I'm perfectly fine to help you with everything you need.” Gnawing on her lip, pondering the thought Jenna shook her head then. “No offense, Mark, but that is something between him and us.” Scoffing he gave way, then not without growling a “Of course, never mind about me!” as she passed him by. 

Finding Michael still passed out Jenna took no time to wake him up gently then but grabbed his shoulder and pulled him practically up. Not considering that the securities' trained reaction on this attack was dangerous even when he was half-dreaming Jenna gave a surprised cry when Michael shot up, snatched her arm and twisted it so she went down beside the bed in pain, spitting curses. It lasted only a second though as he immediately let go once he recognized her. “Jen, Jesus!” Helping her up he swung his feet out of the bed and sat beside her, shooting Mark, who had followed the scene amused, a questioning glance. “Michael, please, we need you!” was all Jenna was able to croak out, her paleness and red eyes already telling him everything he needed to know. Giving a profane “Shit!” and throwing on some sweatpants the security followed her and wanted to held back Mark as he did too, but the videographer pushed past his hand and hissed: “No way, man! Tyler and I have been friends for a long time too! Don't you dare to exclude me of this any longer!”

xxxxxxxxxxxx

The growl of the thunder rolled behind them, still Tyler felt no urge to speed up. It nearly appeared that the storm was just pushing them on, never really catching up to them. The singer had recognized that the boy stumbled and tiredly dragged his feet through the sand, but when he tried to pick him up to spare him the afford, the kid had just pushed him back and shook it's head. His little finger where clasped tightly around Tylers own though, he just hoped that the kid felt the same comfort on it he did, as he was not sure how much of reassurance he was able to spent right now. Their surroundings had started to change, although it still was only a reflection of the real world, gray mountains under a dark sky, colorless plants. By time they even reached a little river, it's dark brown water rolling slowly down it's path. 

He wanted to ask so many questions, still he didn't as Tyler felt that the answers would come to him on their free will, if he was just ready to wait long enough. Concentrating again he squirted his eyes as the kid made halt, stretched one of his thin arms out and pointed at a house, in the middle of nowhere. Smiling the singer got on, wanted to go there together, but the kid didn't walk, stayed where he were. Coldness took a hold of him again as the boy solved their connection, did one step back, then another. For the first time since they had met each other he looked at the man before him, the big, brown eyes that had been so empty now filled with panic and pain. Tyler saw the movement before it happened, tried to reach out, still he couldn't prevent the kid from turning and running away, leaving him back alone in the corners of his mind.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Moving his hand up and down before the singers eyes Mark tried to understand what happened by sticking together the little pieces he got out of the conversation behind him. “...should have never done that, the both of you!” Stomping up and down, running his hands through his hair Michael hissed. “Fuck, I should have never let you done that!” “None of us knew that this could happen!” Jenna tried to defend them all at the same time, still the security just grimaced and got on in his speech. “You don't understand! The two...” shooting Mark who just tried to pinch the singer a glance, “the three of you have no idea what this all is about! To be honest...nobody has...not even Tyler himself!” 

“Oh, but you're the voice of epiphany, right?” Slightly pissed, out of his mind of worry and tired to no end Josh threw in from the side, where he leaned at the wall, dark eyes trained on Mark ministrations. “Maybe not of epiphany but of knowledge.” Sighing Michael wandered over to a chair and sat down finally, looking at Tyler who lay motionless on his back, opened eyes starring at the ceiling without blinking only once. Fighting with himself the security tried to find the right words, quickly learning that there were none. “The thing is...I once promised myself, that if he ever finds out about all of this I will tell him. But I can't tell you until that's done. We need to bring him back.” “That was the plan, yeah!” scoffing the drummer pushed himself off the wall and headed for the balcony. “I need to get out of here.” he added angry and pushed the door closed behind him with force. The remaining three starred at different directions, helpless caught in the moment together.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Creaking the door swung open under his hands, it was lighter then he had thought and collided with the wall behind it on the force he had used. The bang it should have been creating never came, it was swallowed by the thick, humid air and the stench that broke over him like a wave. Grabbing the doors frame with one hand, pulling his shirt up over his nose with the other Tyler nearly heaved on it, eyes filling with tears, lungs hyperventilating. All of his senses told him to run, but his will held him back, as he wanted to set an end to this, to know what was burried in the depths of his soul. Entering the small house, slowly setting one foot before the other while fighting the nauseous feeling, the singer could hear the dark growling outside, the sound of beginning rain, tiny little drobblets, falling down from heaven, creating a noise where only silence had been. 

Reaching a corner, feeling all of his hairs standing straight, his heart racing, Tyler circled it to face what he needed to see, so he could start to get healed. First, there was the red, sticking out of the stale non-color of the world around him, covered in dust and year old dirt. Then, there were the flies, nervously twitching around open mouths, crawling in and out and over teeths, as if they had made their habitat inside. The worst thing, the one that triggered him most were the insides, spread all over the floor, partly rotten and smitten by worms, reeking of death and hell and terror. Starting to suck in air hectically, the singer thought he'd die as his sight fell on the corner to his side. The boy he had found sat there, alone in the dark, his little hands covered in blood, his eyes widened into blank fear. 

Seeing the world through the boys eyes, his younger selfs eyes for a moment, Tyler screamed.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“...cold water?” “We've tried that already, Mark! See...Josh and I did really take a great afford BEFORE we came to you...I don't think you'll come up with an idea we didn't already have.” Grunting in frustration Mark wanted to give a snarky remark, but was cut off by hell breaking loose from one minute to the other. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Tyler sucked in a deep breath beside him, his back arching, mouth gaping open, before he came back down on the bed, but only for a second. Shooting up the singer puked all over the bed, alongside with a scream that pierced marrow and bones of his friends and wife, before he came to his feet somehow, tried to flee, ended up with his back pressed to a corner, eyes wildly flying through the room while his breath raced at an alarming pace. 

While the three of them were frozen on the sight, Josh had only heared his friend screaming on the outside, and dashed through the balcony door, yelling the youngers name, wanting to come up to him. He stopped dead in his tracks though when Tyler gripped a jar from the desk beside him and drove it to the wall so it fragmented to a thousand of pieces, ripping tiny cuts into his hands that patterned his skin red. “STAY AWAY FROM ME!” he screamed, shaking, crying, totally out of his mind. Wanting to counter something Josh became silent as Michael gave him a sign. Slowly closing in on the singer form the sight the security seemed to be the only one he did not recognize, at least not in a negative way, as he rambled on, gesturing wildly with the sharp piece of glass left in his hand.

“You all stay away! I....I...” flinching on a sob, pressing his free hand to his head as if to soothe a sudden stinging pain Tyler was just the shadow of the person all of them used to know. While Jenna, Mark and Josh watched in a state of frightened awe how he visibly broke before their eyes, Michael kept creeping closer, never letting the improved weapon the younger had out of sight. “Not...right...this is...I'm...I'm not me...I'm...” “Tyler...” not able to hold on to herself anymore Jenna called out, her face a grimace of her hurt, but all it did was trigger him into getting even more panicked, cut off. 

“DON'T CALL ME THAT! I'm not...I'm not him..I'm...lost...I...I can't...” Realizing that Michael was about to reach the singer then Josh slowly let his hand wrap around the blondes arm then, made a step back, dragging her with him, and another. Mark got the motion and idea and did the same, leaving space, retreating to give Michael the chance to act if he had to. Slowly the security raised his hand, as if to make contact, to take the shattered glass away from his friend, but he stopped, let it linger in the air, waited until the youngers face was directed towards him for a moment, the unfocused eyes streaking his features. In a calm, controlled voice Michael broke a spell no one in the room but him had known about, and left them all stunned. “Calm down. I know you're confused. I know what you're searching for. Give me this and let us sit down and talk. Thaer...I know who you are...I can tell you your story!”


	15. Chapter 15

“Here.” Setting the glass of water on the table beside the sunken down man, who still pressed himself into the corner of the room, Michael sat down on the floor beside him, leaving enough space for the other to flee this. The singer had calmed down, yet he was way out of a condition that could called clear, was still jolted by sobs, his face red and skin open from the endless streams of salty liquid spilling over it, shaking arms trying to dry them from time to time. Since the security had called him by his name he hadn't said anything he just had broken down, let the older take the broken glass out of his hands, but shrunk into himself as he tried to touch him. Michael understood and stepped back, sent the others out of the room. Of course Josh and Jenna had protested, but gladly Mark had took over to take care of the two as he seemed to feel how important it was to leave them alone.

For some minutes Michael waited then pointed to the glass again. “Drink.” There came no reaction and he sighed, strained himself to be patient. His friend had just had a massive shock, so it was only natural that he needed time. “Listen...I promised you I'll tell you what you wanna know, but I can't do that as long as you're dehydrated and on the edge like this. You will drink, and when Mark comes back with the food you will eat and then we will talk.” Shivering the man in the corner shifted his eyes a bit, so they fell on the other, wide and confused, but finally he reached out and took the glass, spilled half of the water in the process of drinking, and then just let it fall to the floor as it was empty. Glaring at the older through curtains of tears the singer croaked: “Talk.” 

“Ok,” well recognizing that he needed to reward the offer of an consenus the security tried to find a more comfortable position. “Before I start to tell you what I know...there are some things I like you to recognize. First of all...I had no influence on that they never told you...I was too young. But I want you to know...”

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Michael was a good boy, one of the sort the mommas where proud off. He helped with the dishes and took the dog out, he made his homework and mowed the lawn when his dad asked him to. That was why seven year old Mikey had a very unsettling feeling as his parents called him in the kitchen one day, telling him they needed to talk to him. Mentally checking on all the sins he had done (being a good christian the boy pondered diligent if sticking his gum to the undersides of the churchs' bank was one or not) he shuffled to them then, sat down on the chair and let his legs dangle.

His parents both wore smiles, something that soothed him, still the boy couldn't help to feel the tension that they held. “Mikey...” his mum started and he was quick to cut her off. “I'm sorry, I swear I'll clean the bench, just don tell Pastor Riley about it please mum!” he broke out, feeling tears welling up his eyes. A little taken back his parents looked at him, but his mother was quick to soothe the agitated boy. “Oh, Michael, honey, this is not about you, you've done nothing wrong!” Stroking his arm she smiled as he sniffed and snuggled up to her side while she got on, “In act it's quit the opposite. Dad and I wanna talk to you because you're such a wonderful young man. We know that you are able to take a lot of responsibility and there's something someone asked your help for.” 

Watching his mother astonished Michael couldn't think of something people would request him for, so he waited and listen. “Son, you know the Josephs, don't you?” his dad threw in and the boy nodded. “Chris and Kelly? They are so nice! Kelly always gives me treats and Chris showed me how to dunk a ball.” Smiling his mother stroked his hair. “Yeah, they are. And you obviously know how much they love children. They love them so much that they want to help kids that don't have such a good home like you and your friends have, Mikey.” Still not understanding what this was about the boy shrugged.

“See, Kelly and Chris decided to help a particular kid, a little boy. He's three years old and his name is Tyler. The thing is...” exchanging a quick glance his parents seemed to be nervous about how he took this, “Tyler is not from here. He comes from a land where people are fighting each other and has seen some terrible, terrible things that hurt him a lot.” “Which things?” Michael asked, tilting his head, earning a sigh from his dad. “Just...terrible things, Mikey, ok? See...the doctors are not sure how much he remembers, but...because of these things Tyler is...different. He doesn't talk...and he doesn't play.” Furrowing his brow Michael tried to understand that. He never had seen a kid that didn't play and couldn't imagine what to do else.

“Kelly and Chris are very worried about him. They thought that...maybe...you could come over and...try play a little with him?” Feeling slightly annoyed Michael spoiled his face then a bit. “But Momma, he's a toddler! I'm already seven years old, what shall I do with a baby?” Chuckling his parents gave each other another glance, one full of love this time before his mother leaned forward and placed both of her hands on his shoulders, looked him in the eye. “Michael...remember how I ever tell you that god wants you to be a good person?” “Yes mum, I do!” “This is your chance to prove it.” 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“Tyler! Come on, it isn't that high!” Looking up to the older dubiously the wispy boy shook his head. “No.” “I'll help you, see? Here's my hand.” “No, Mike. Don't want.” Scoffing annoyed Michael turned and climbed higher on the rocks. “Fine, if you want to stay alone down there!” “Mike! No! W..ww.wwait for me!” Smiling at himself the older looked down, seeing the boy trying to follow him, and climbing up the first few feet. “See, Ty, it's not that hard, you can do it!” he yelled, but his joy turned into fear right away as the younger suddenly lost balance and fell back, hitting the ground hard. Tyler hadn't even been up high, but Michael had became really protective in their few years of friendship, and so the twelve year old rushed to climb down to the other boy. 

To his surprise the younger were not crying, although his hands and knees where scrapped and bleeding, nasty grazings all over his skin. Tyler just sat there, starred down at his injured body and seemed to have forgotten how to breath. “Dude, that was rough, are you ok?” Michael asked, leaning down, touching the others shoulder. He froze when he felt how much Tyler trembled, not visible, but definitly to feel. As if the touch would have pulled him out of a haze the boy did a deep breath...and then Tyler screamed until he was drugged down in the hospital. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“Mom, can I ask you something?” Fifteen year old Michael asked one day, when he was off school with fever and his mother made him a meal. “Sure honey, what is it?” Looking down on his hands, knowing that she wouldn't wanted to talk about it he took a deep breath. “Why isn't Tyler allowed to know that he...” Stopping dead in her tracks, rushing over she took his hands. “Michael, you didn't tell him, didn't you?” “No, mom, but...” seeing her relax visible Michael just got more frustrated. “I don't get it! I mean...he's no child anymore, he's nearly twelve, he can handle being adopted! And whatever he has seen before he came here...you said he can't remember. So what's the deal!” 

Drying her hands and sitting down on the table across of him his mother sighed. “See...the human brain is a fantastic thing, Mikey. It has the ability to bury experiences, that might threaten our sanity, deep into our subconsciousness and hold them there, so they are not more then a deja vu, or the slight unsettled feeling when re-experiencing an similar situation. Tyler brain has locked up what happened to him, and holds it behind a barrier. It's kind of a natural thing, he prevented himself from going insane if you will so. This barrier he built is very strong...first of all because he were so young when he brought it up, second because he's an indeed strong personality. Nobody knows what might happen to him if that barrier was broken activ by telling him what happened.” 

Listening intensly Michael still didn't want to give up. “But isn't it kind of betrayal? I mean...he has no clue where his roots are at. He doesn't even know his real name!” Reaching across the table, laying her hand on his Michaels mother encouraged him to look at her. “Do you have the impression that Tyler is happy?” Thinking about the question for a moment, then shrugging, the boy answered. “I guess? I mean...he's down a lot of times but seen in a greater perspective...he is.” “And do you think the truth is worth it to take that away from him?” Starting to bite his lower lip Michael said nothing then, which she approved with a smile as she stood up and patted his shoulder. “Think about it.” 

xxxxxxxxxxx

Blood, there was so much blood on the floor. Michael hadn't known how brutal some deep cuts to heels could be, how they splattered a bathrooms white tiles red like the copy of a splatter-horror-movie. Sobbing he clinged to his friend, holding Tyler tight in his arms, whispering “I got you, I got you!” all over. Later, when the panic had subsided and they sat in the living room, Tylers feet supplied with bandages, the older sat down close beside him, slowly slinging an arm around his shoulders as he let his head tiredly roll to the side. “I'll never get why you do this to yourself, Ty.” he said, when he was sure the worst had been over. “There's...something in me...something I can't grab...it's...I don't know....” sighing into his side the younger drifted to sleep exhausted. “I don't know.” 

xxxxxxxxxxx 

The sun shining golden on the idyll of a suburb life nearly made the whole scene surreal for Michael. Before he could change his mind he knocked at the Josephs door, waiting patiently for Kelly to open and great him with a warm smile. “Mikey! What are you doing here? Tyler is at work he...” “I know.” Clearing his throat he set in, “I...wanted to talk to you.” Cocking her head Kellys excited expression turned into a deep sorrowed one as she let him enter. “I hope Tyler did nothing wrong?” Leading him to the dinner table Kelly sat down and gestured him to do so. “No, but this is about him.” Freezing the woman inhaled. “Michael I can't...” “Would you please at least hear me out?” 

Biting her lip, looking away Kelly sighed then, nodded slightly, approved that he got on. “You know, back then, when my mum asked me to go play with him...I made kind of a promise. I wanted to show god that I'm good, so I told him I'd take care of that boy, and as you know, to this day I always have. I never asked you for an explanation though, I just accepted that you let him in the dark.” Exhaling softly the young man looked at his friends mother. “Tyler didn't tell you yet, but next month Chris, Nick, him and me are going on a small tour outside of the state. We will be on the road for three weeks, the most far away from home then we've ever been without our families. We both know that this means that, IF Tyler would have a break down, you'd be not there to catch him.” 

Swallowing nervous Kelly gripped the towel tighter, but still said nothing in return. “I'll keep my promise. I'll always be there for him because honestly, Ty is more like a brother then a friend to me...but to do that...I need to know. What happened to him?”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sitting in the hallway, her back leaned against the door that divided her from the man she loved Jenna found that she had no tears left to cry. After Mark had shoved her and Josh outside he had returned just one time into the room to hand Michael food, and apparently Tyler still hadn't calmed down then. Desperately combing her hands through her hair she looked up, found Josh standing only a few feet away, both of his arms stabled on the wall, his head hanging low between them. Mark had left them for a while, he said he had to make some calls, so it was up to the two of them to fight the silence.

Pulling all strength she found in her weary bones together Jenna slowly stood up then, shuffled over, closed the gap between them. Josh did not move when she slung her arms around his body, leaned hers into his side and hid her face in his neck, warm, soothing. “He will be ok!” she whispered, not sure if she tried to convince herself or the drummer, but it didn't work either way. “What if not.” he gave back, ever so silent, not able to provide her the comfort she was searching for. “Then we've to live with the thought of having broken him.” Huffing Josh leaned even more into his strained position. “In that case, I think I'd rather die.” 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

“...that whatever Kelly and Chris, or my parents, or me myself, did was never meant to bring you any harm. They just...decided it would be better to see if you'd ever learn yourself. There...was the possibility that you might never...get aware of it again. We thought...you'd be happier this way.” The laugh thrown at him startled Michael and threw him off balance a little, as it was too loud, to acute from a person who's body language spoke of pure fear. “Happy?” the singer broke out, hoarse and shaking, “Do I look...happy...to you?” Resolving his clawed hands from his shirt he pushed himself up a little, still pressed to the wall, but with his feet propped, his hands lingering on it. 

“You said you know.” the broken voice echoed from the furniture around them. “Then tell me, Michael...who am I?” Taking a deep breath, leaning forward a bit the security rested his arms on his crossed feet and tried to find a glimpse of sanity in the eyes, fixed on him while he spoke. “You are Tyler Joseph...in a way. But...you where someone else before you became him. Your real name is Thaer Elmasri. You were born in a small village in the lebanon mountains....”


	16. Chapter 16

"You should go to sleep!" Mark suggested as Josh passed him by the felt hundret time in minutes. Pacing up and down the room they had gone to, staying in flow so he could keep his exhaustion in check the drummer shook his head frantically. "I can't. I...just can't." The videographer started to arguing with him then, and the drummer answered snapping, a conversation that got on for a while, got heated, but died down with time as both of them were too worn out to really have a struggle with the other. Jenna did nothing to stop or join them. She just sat on the floor, her head leaned to the wall, and observed her husbands best friend moving. Josh was overstrained, totally on the edge...he could have not ly down to sleep even if he wanted.

Feeling her own tiredness pulling on her bones Jenna whished she could do anything to help him, as she could value the way he tried to pull through so he could be there whenever Tyler needed him. Silently watching Mark leave she waited for a while, until the drummers pacing had gotten more regular again, before she spoke. "We can't help him if we're broken ourselfs. Mark is right, we need to sleep." Throwing his hands in the air and scoffing unnerved Josh came to an halt before her and glarred at her with red eyes, mirrors of the chaos that ruled his mind. "And how the fuck do you suggest me to calm down enough to actually do that?" 

Like an old friend a certain feeling began to pool in Jennas gut, slowly rising through her chest, taking her veins over. The blonde knew that it might be a mistake, maybe the most popular one she'd do ever, but in this void of stability, in her suffering for emotions she couldn't do other then take the opportunity to slip into a space that promised distraction and strength. Slowly standing up, coming to eye level with the drummer, withstanding his intense gaze Jenna stretched out her hand and lay it on his shoulder, applied pressure ligthly first, more demanding later. "I can help you to forget. I can help you to stop thinking. Joshua..." sucking in a deep breath she let the words spill from her lips slowly, "kneel for me!" 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Slow, regular breaths flowed through the singers lungs like water, as he sat in the corner, engulfed in the dim light of dawn, listening to the low, quiet voice of his friend telling the tale of his life. There was no word to file what he was feeling, no lyric to express how deep to the bone he was shook, there was just an open mind, taking in things he needed to hear, leaving the decission about what to do with them for later.

"...became him. Your real name is Thaer Elmasri. You were born in a small village in the lebanon mountains. See..." accomponying his words with gestures Michael got on, "back then the civil war in your country had just been dying down. It was a time of chaos, of unstability...of violence. So the United Nations send troups there to help the people, and one of them was the one of Corporal Jim Refco." For the first time something like familiarity stroke the security as the other looked him straight in the eye. "Dad...Chris' squash partner?" "And old friend, yes. Jim and his guys traveled from north to east to survey the situation and to provide help to the local civil population." 

Shifting a bit Michael tried to read the youngers face, but it was blank, motionless again, so he got on. "The people suffered...a lot. There where factions lurking around, taking peoples food and belongings and their lifes in the most cruel ways. There were a lot of places Jim came to and all he found was death. When he came to where you lived..." taking a small pause to brace himself for what was coming Michael thought about all the times he had have nigthmares about this and wondered if the younger have had them too. "...everybody in that village was dead. They had killed the old ones as well as the young, the men, women, children. They had cut open their bodys and left them to bleed out. Jim said it was a horrible sight." 

Recognizing the subtle change in the other the security made sure to watch him close then. Still he did not reply, not move, but his fingers twitched, gave away the storm raging inside of him right now. "But what really shook him down to the core was when he found you, a little boy, not more then three years old." Michael could feel his eyes filling with tears and his soul start to scream just on the vision of what it must had looked like for the corporal. "You lay in the bed of your parents, in their house, between them, in their blood, their insides. From the way they looked Jim could tell they were dead for several weeks then." Starting to cry the security locked his gaze with his friend another time. "Thaer...you lived among dead for about two months all alone and to this day nobody can tell how you survived." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Slowly sliding his shirt over his head, letting it fall to the floor beside him Josh made sure not to take his eyes of her. It was insane to do this after all that had happened, still he just couldn't decline, retreat from what intrigued him so much, from what promised to be a relief. Slowly coming closer, cautious, on her toes, as if she was afraid to shoo him away Jenna raised her hands to his neck then, lightly stroked his skin their, nearly made him close his eyes and hum at the contact. "You need to let go entirely, Josh, ok? You can't held back or this is getting dangerous." Licking his lips he nodded slightly, mesmerized by the easyness with wich she let her palms glide down his chest, to his middle, took his wrists, crossed them, tied them together. 

Looking up at him, giving him a last smile Jenna touched the corner of his lips with her thumb, then took a step back and let herself get changed. What felt like coldness first, taking her over, making her numb, soon changed into the fueling fire of control, of demand. Slowing down the time around them just by the way she breathed the blonde gave her command then. "Joshua....Genua!" 

He had been willing to play her game from the beginning, what he had not expected was how internalised this words seemed to be in his brain by now. A strange pull, not one that wouldn't have been resistable, but still strong and demanding made him fall to his knees, suck in a breath. Josh let his hands creep at his thighs, his chin sink to his chest, and exhaled, as long as he could, until there was no air left in his lungs. When oxygene was driven into him automatically, the drummer could feel a part of him subside, like a layer of perception falling off of him. He couldn't concentrate on the feeling though, felt restless, wound up, wanted to stand up again, to move. 

Spreading fingers on his shoulder, tracing the lines of the spiralling colours there, brought something to hold on then. Josh tried to focus on them, on the way the silently praised him for staying still, for not doing more then receive, especially from her, the one he wasn't allowed to touch in any way. Stepping deeper and deeper into a space of non being but existing the drummer closed his eyes, scrapped together all fear, all anxiousness he could find...and then Josh let go.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

Thick and heavy the ray of the morning sun broke through the split of a curtain, enlightened the scene and showed what they had done. Melted candles where a perfect metapher to picture the slow rince of time though, as Michael still held on to the little glimpse of clear presence he thought to see in the younger. "Jim was as schocked as he was amazed by you and your story. He did what he could to bring you to the USA with him, but he wasn't allowed to be your legal guardian. They decided you need a family, a real one, with man and woman and kids, as well as therapy." Jerking with a sarcastic laugh the man in the corner shook his head and Michael gave him a sympathetic smile. "Weird, right? I mean...that they thought something like that could be...healed." 

Running a hand through his hair the security tried to remember the first moment he had seen the other. "When I met you...you were at least to say strange. Like...really strange. Of course you didn't talk , I mean...you where three years old and not every kid in that age is talkative...but you...you where like a ghost. You sat there, in the middle of that room that Kelly had decorated so fondly...and all around you was darkness. Dude...to be honest...you creeped me out! You had that stare...a little like you look now." Pointing at the younger Michael used the distraction to gather himself a bit. "I tried to talk to you, to show you some games. But you just sat there and did nothing and I didn't understand why, but it faszinated me. So I kept coming back, day after day after day. It took me three months until you once rolled a ball I threw at you back to me." 

Chuckling lightly on the memory, on the pride and joy he had felt in that moment Michael shook his head. "We built up from there. I got you to talk eventually, although it was a slow process. But with all the love Kelly and Chris put in you...you grew, so fucking fast, man, it was incredible. When you where six no one could tell that you hadn't learned our language from the beginning. You were reading like a maniac, you knew everything you where asked. We think you're so freaking intelligent because you had to be...you know...you'd have died if you would have not used your brain more then the average three year old. Still..." Connecting his hands in his lap again, getting more serious, nearly a little sad then the security sighed, "there was always that little piece of you, that little darkness that never really vanished."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Floating, only grounded by a touch, so distant, so at the edge of what he thought was real. The slight pain of nails, dug into his shoulder, deeper and deeper, leaving scratches, again and again until he was so used to it that it had not significance anymore, like anything else had lost it. There was a beat, somewhere, and Josh needed time to learn that it was the beat of his own heart, constant, slowed down to a point of relexation, of minimal effort. 

Thoughts, that had kept running through his head, now came in fractures, passed him by decently, never establishing themselves into his mind. It felt safe, cared, structured and still free, like flying on autopilot, being able to see the sky without the responsibility of steering the plane. Yet Josh were afraid to go deeper and he knew that he didn't had to, it was enough to stay close to the surface this time, although the dark under him was calling him to come and see.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Starring at her hand, still connected with the drummers shoulder Jenna made no effort to wipe away her tears as there was no need to hide a pain like this. It was honest, not what people would call pure, still she mourned the shift of her heart, the way this felt like coming home to something she didn't even had known where there. Having Josh close to her mind like this didn't create the physical attraction that overran her senses, it just triggered it. Lost, clueless Jenna started to follow her instincts then, let her fingers explore, streak his exposed neck, the beautiful curve it made. The noise he gave on this was so subtle no one else might have heared it, but her soul already had turned to his frequenze.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"For a long time it was like waiting for the storm to happen. We all tip toed around you, waiting for you to brake down, to remember, to need help. And you did, but in a way nobody had expected. While you realised there was something inside your memory you couldn't get acces too you started to hurt yourself. I was never happy with the resulution your parents and the doctors choose. You were different after you started to take those pills. Of course you got better, somehow...still it always felt like talking to someone who had not the slightes interest in anything...well, maybe beside the music." Looking up Michael smiled, tried to give a little glimpse of hope in all of this. 

"I'm actually really thankful that the lord gave you this talent. I think you literally said it yourself: If it wasn't for this music I'm not sure if you wouldn't have broken sooner and in an even more difficult way. Jenna was another thing that god decided to give you after he had made you suffer so bad, at least that is what I like to think. When she came around...I had never seen you that happy before. It was like she sparked the will to live inside of you and fueled that fire." Coming to an end in a way, despite so much questions being unasked and answers untold the security decided to try to adress the friend he had won over years, the one he had promised to care for. 

"Thaer...Tyler...you are who you are, in every way. Everything you achieved, everything you worked through, you did that all on our own, and given the circumstances I gotta say with no shame that I admire you. You inspired me...and so many other people to stay alive, you lead us all with such a grace and wiseness. I know that learning all of this can't do other then change you, change us all, everyone who ever got to know you. Still...I hope you'll not completly erase who you have become, and will not forget about who was always been there for this person. No one of your close ones is fake, Tyler. They all become to know you as who you choosed to be. And maybe, after learning more about yourself and your story...you will be able to let them become to know who you have been back then."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Josh didn't wanted to open his eyes, he didn't wanted to leave the state he was in. For some time he had been flying, deep enough to relax and when he slowly was brought back to the surface he found a peace he just couldn't let go that easy. Breathing deep into his lungs he lay on his back, his head cradeled in warmth and care, in subtle touches, soothing strokes. Slowly Jenna let her fingertips wander over his face, traced his lines, read the untold stories. Josh didn't wanted to open his eyes, as he knew the moment he did he would start to fall. In the end life forced him to, and when he looked up at her he saw the mirror of his feelings in the smile he had wished not to find.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so glad your reactions where so positive :). 
> 
> Another Music thingy I like to listen to when writing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pwCgBhvck8
> 
> enjoy ;)

Stalemate. All his life he had felt driven, haunted, pressed by something that wanted to break out from under his skin, the layers of his mind. Now, that there was no push anymore, no permanent urgency he slowly seemed to come back into the body he held, felt getting connected again. Hunger, thirst, the aching of his muscles, everything hit him at once and made him groan, taking his head in his hands and sigh, deep, resigning. Michael watched him, waiting, battling his own tiredness into the ground, fully attendent though the minute he startet to speak. 

"Who...am I supposed to be now?" he asked, from between his fingers, out from deep of his soul. Considering his answer well the security leaned forward slowly, hesitated a second before he wrapped his fingers around the yougers wirsts, but finally did and pulled them down, removed his hands from his face, cradled them in his own between them. "You are whoever you want to be, and yet the same person you ever were. Maybe your name might change...but not you heart." Not looking at him, silent tears still flowing constantly out of him the singer let the contact happen, did not flinch, not pull back at it anymore. Michael felt how strengthless, weary he had become, before he could even voice it. 

"I...wanna rest." Smiling the older straightened up a bit and nodded in the direction of the bed. "Go ahead, we can talk more later." There was no motion, not like he had expected, the singer stayed where he was, just shook his head lightly. "I wanna be alone." Furrowing his brows Michael squeezed the others hands lightly, sad on how useless they hung in his. "I'm not sure I can let you do that right now." A smile, but no pleasent one, appreared on the others face. "You think I'm going to hurt myself." "Am I right?" Pulling his hands back suddenly, like if he would take control of his body again the younger scoffed. "No. But...I need silence. That's a lot to process." 

Conflicted the security bit his lip for a moment, giving the room another glance, finding numberous things the younger could use on the first try. When he swayed his eyes back on him and found him with honesty in his gaze, it was the years of knowledge and friendship that made him brake. "Ok...I tell you what...you ly down and I'll go check up on the others. There will always be someone right outside your door, ok? But T..." swallowing the name as he was not sure which one to use Michael hoped that he did not estimate the situation wrong. "You gotta promise me you're not doing something dumb, alright?" 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sharing the same worried expression Mark and Michael looked down at the two, who slept deep an soundly, tangled into each other. "I can't say that I like this." the videographer growled, referring more to the situation in common then to Jenna and Josh specific. Sighing and rubbing his eyes Michael gestured him to follow to the other room. "I'm glad they take care of each other, I got problems enough at the moment." Shooting him an understanding glance the videographer put his hand on the others shoulder. "You should go to sleep too. And when you wake up again you'll fricking tell me what is going on here!" Although his conscience told him otherwise the security actually considered the idea, as he was as worn down as all of them. 

"Maybe you're right. A few hours of sleep and the world will look brigther again, hm?" Beaming at him Mark winked. "Exactly! And I'll take care of Tyler in the meantime. Don't worry, if he managed to fall asleep finally he will be out as a light for today anyway." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

He was quick in gathering his things, since he was used to do so. A few shirts, a few pants, they flew into the waiting bag, alongside a charger and his creditcards. There were not much hard money as he normally didn't need much of it, but it was enough to let him at least do the first few steps. Stopping for a moment as he pulled his passport out of the nightstand he had been keeping it in, he opened it and let his thumb run over the name that wasn't his anymore somehow. Still he didn't linger to long in the moment as he knew he had to be fast, Michael would set up Mark soon as he already had sensed that he was up to something. 

Zipping the bag closed, shouldering it he turned, got ready to leave, but stopped for a moment at a dressing table. She had sprawled out all her things there, like she ever did when they got to a new room. Jenna used to make her enviroment hers by adding her little personal touches, like the picture of them from their wedding she loved so much. Whereever they had been since he put the ring on her finger, this picture had always went with them, had been the first thing she set up where ever they arrived. Letting his fingertips run over the copy of her face he reflected for a moment, before he took the frame, broke it and slipped the thin paper into his backpocket. 

Slowly opening the door, perring through the crack he found eased that Mark wasn't in poristion yet. Letting his keycard fall inside the room he pulled the door close and rushed down the hallway, pushing the button of the elevator nervously in a row, as if he could speed it up like this. When it chirmed he slipped inside and instantly did the same with the door lock button, only letting himself fall against the metal walls and take a deep breath when the elevator started to move under him. 

There was no knowledge if what he did was right or wrong, no pondering about the consequences. He were a blind, swimming in the sea, just kept going without knowing if the direction he took was the one that would lead him to dry land, where he could finally rest his messed up mind. Pulling up his hoodie, dragging it deep into his face he tried to become a ghost when he arrived the lobby, and gladly he did, melted with the background of tourists and buisnessman. Leaving the hotel he didn't took course for the nearby taxi stand, as he knew it would have been to easy tp follow his traces. 

Jogging down the stairs of the nearest underground station he felt like entering the depths of another world, welcoming him with darkness. Tyler Joseph stayed on the edge of the stairs behind as Thaer Elmasri dived into the past. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Waking up to cold sheets was a cruel deja-vu itself, finding them stained with the smell of her made it nearly unbearable. Turning to his back, soughing on how wrecked he still felt, Josh wondered if it wouldn't be better to just stay were he was and never stand up again. The drummer knew he could disposse the feelings he had found so unexpected, but he would be never able to erase them. It was a game without victory they had fallen into and right now he learned that he didn't had understood the rules right away. Getting to close to the fire he was burned now, marked, and his soul loaded with the inevitable guilt of falling in love with his best friends wife. 

Somewhere, on the edge of his perception, Josh remembered that there were a band, shows, interviews, people. But he couldn't have cared less then in this moment, when the core of his world came tumbling down on him more and more. Yet, the drummer decided that he wasn't one to run anymore. The one thing he had taken out of all that shit they had created, was that he needed to stand up for his own good, before others choosed to do so. Forcing himself out of the bed and into the shower Josh couldn't tell if he was glad or sad about the fact that his old self washed off his skin like sweat and drained with the water.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Michael instantly knew he was dreaming, as well as he knew that he couldn't wake up. The topic itself startled him though, as he found himself in his childhood bed, tucked into the covers, on what seemed to be a sunny morning. He couldn't tell why, but somehow the light outside the window seemed off, not steady, but before he could get up to check up on it, the door opened and his mom entered. Wearing her fond, warm smile that he loved so much she came by and lay down beside him, as she had used to do when he was a kid. Stroking his temple softly she kissed him awake then, told him what the day was going to be like, while Michael still was distracted by the strange glow. 

Turning to her to tell her to be still for a second so he could find out if it made a sound the words got stuck in his throath. His mother had already stopped talking. Shallow eyeholes starring back at him, a mouth opened to a silent scream. Feeling something we he looked down on them, finding him lying in her blood, constantly spilling out of her open belly. Sucking in air spasming Michael pushed her away, rushed to the window to jerk it open, but as he reached it the heat drove him back. Outside the world was burning, while behin him the body of his mother was getting cold. Shooting up with a cry he fell out of the bed, crawled to the bathroom on all fours, threw up in the toilet. Letting himself fall to the side, his head hitting the cold tiles and soothing his heated skin, Michael raised his voice to god once again, only this time it was his own soul he was praying for.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

"Shit!" Trying to flick on the lighter with her shaking hands Jenna cursed more then she inhaled as she didn't get it. Close to throw it off the balcony she freezed when big hands took the lighter from hers and the cigarette from her mouth. Josh put it between his own lips and fired it on before he gave it back to her, silently accepting her thankfull nod. "I've stopped smoking a month after I started to date him. He said it's the only thing he will ever ask me to change. He hasn't kept his word." Leaning on the rail beside her, looking down on the streets the drummer sighed. "You know that life is no fairytale. We seldom can keep our promises, no matter how hard we try. I guess the trick is to renew them from time to time." 

Giving a small sound on that Jenna dragged the smoke into her lungs, held it there, blew it out in one constant, white stream. "And what if one doesn't want to renew a promise? What if we learn that, maybe, it was a wrong one?" Josh could clearly feel the pull of his heart, could hear the voice screaming in his brain to reach out and touch her, put yet all he did was grabbing the rail tighter. "Well...it's no pretty thing if something like this happens...but...as we are human it does happen." Licking his lips a bit, deciding to send her a signal and leave it to her to decide he tilted his head and waited until she had put the cigarette out, faced him. "And the only thing we can do is make a human decission, no matter if it might be the wrong or the right one." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He had spent more time traveling in the air then he had on the ground so it didn't bother him to fly. Once he had hauled himself securely into the seat and buckled the belt he waited for start, just to be sure that he wasn't stopped somehow, but when they were up he couldn't withstand his bodys desire for sleep anymore. Falling into a dark hole of total exhaustion he gladly stayed dreamless, and awoke hours later with a slight feeling of refreshness that surprised him a lot. Pushing himself up he watched the clouds below them then for some time, while listening into himself, exploring. Searching for a way to connect with himself he finally stood up, pulled his backpack out of the storage, searched for one of his most prized posessions, a little notebook and a pen, and started to write down whatever ran through his head. 

It were words about loosing his identity, about not knowing if he ever had belonged into the life he had been in. Maybe being all this, the man on the stage, the husband to that beautiful woman, the friend to such good souls, had never been ment for him. Maybe it had been another persons purpose, while his had been to die. The singer wrote about the journey, about the way he was taking to find himself. There was no proove that it would lead him anywhere, still he felt like he just had to keep going.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

"You had one single fucking job, Mark!" Michael yelled, on top of his lungs. "Screw you, I'm no damn babysitter! Besides, who says that he hasn't left while you where getting me?" the videographer gave back just as angry. "We were away for ten minutes!" Disrupting their fight with a defeated voice Josh came back from his visit to the lobby and flopped down on the couch beside Jenna, who had puled her knees to her chest and slung her arms around them, softly rocking back and forth. "He had ten minutes and an ever ready bag...I guess he was out the door before you even fully turned your back on him. The desk clerk has seen him leave. He hasn't taken a taxi though." Throwing his hands in the air the security scoffed. "Teriffic! So we got him out there half out of his mind in a city full of fans without protection! Just the way I like it!" 

Sensing that his anger wouldn't take him far Michael turned his back on his friends and went to the bathroom, door banging shut behind him. Pulling out his phone he sat down on the corner of the tube, letting his finger hoover over the call button, but then decided to switch to the messanger. 

@Mikesec: You gave me a promise.

Letting his hands sink he didn't expect an answer right away, so he jerked on the sound of the phone, hurried to open the text.

@TyoJ: I'm keeping it. I'm not going to hurt myself.

Leaning down on his thighs frustrated Michael was quick to tap the reply. 

@Mikesec: Where are you? Let me come to you. We can talk.

This time it took longer and he started to pace up and down, avoiding to face his own reflection in the mirror. Already knowing the answer before he read it Michael did sigh on it in depsite.

@TyoJ: You can't go where I'm at. I'm sorry. 

@Mikesec: Fuck, dude, at least tell me! We're all sick of worry here and I need to know what to tell Josh and the crew. 

Balling his hand into a fist an ramming it into the wall Michael let his phone fall as he had to learn that there would be a lot more needed to get the people calm then a few words about delays and maybe one canceled show. This was the end of their tour, and probably it was the end of their carreer too. 

@TyoJ: I'm hundret's of miles above the ocean. I need to find my past. Do not follow me.


	18. Chapter 18

They had planned to come home with a bang, celebrating their big victory over all the voices that had told them their band were worth nothing when they started out. Now none of them returned, only the news of their sudden breakup reached the hometown while it was lying in the dark. Chris' phone lit up the same minute as Kelly read it on the internet and years of bent up fear and sorrow crashed down on him in an instant as he took the call and heared Michaels steady, low voice in his ear. They had the same arguing the security have had with everyone, but in the end he won. No one was going to follow Tyler and the band was put on hold. 

The ones hit hardest by it all were, of course, Josh and Jenna. They all had seperated on their way back, the drummer taking a flight directly for LA, not wanting to face the questions and pitty looks, Jenna moving in to her parents as she couldn't face the house alone at the moment. For some days Michael had been caught in chaos, as he had stepped up to help Josh in the struggle with the management and media, watched the tour getting cancled, all of their plans being put on hold. He had fought all attempts of people to find out where the singer was at the moment, had been glad to learn that police declined to take up a missing person report as Tyler had vanished in free will. 

Sitting on his parents porch, watching the early spring sun slowly fading he dared to take a deep breath, the first since what seemed to be forever. Pulling out his phone he wondered if it even was worth the efford, as he had sent a message every day for about a week now, but never had gotten any answer. Still Michael couldn't do other then reach out and hope that he could be the one connection to his life that brought Tyler home.

@Mikesec: We're missing you. I hope you're ok.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Deleting the message and letting his phone glide back into his pocket he looked up to the clock on the old tower beside him. Of course he had been to early, but since he had arrived in Beirut nothing had held him inside of his hotel room, not for long. They last days had consisted of developing a plan, making preparations, using the rest of the time just to stroll around and explore. He couldn't even remember when he had been a nobody the last time, when he had been between people, just one of them, nothing special. It felt good to blend into the masses, to not stand out for once.

Searching his surroundings for signs of his guide he took in the diversity of this city. While he was used to a conformity in structure and pattern of cities, this one was like a melting pot of so many different influences, bordering at each other, sometimes blurry on the lines. It mirrored his inner self well right then, the way he tried to seperate, to part, and still found so many commonalities. In attempt to assisst his change he had thrown away all his less important belongings, had buy new clothes, decided not to shave. Still the man who looked back at him in the mirror had held parts of the one he had met so often like this. 

A warm breeze streaking his face he focused on the present again, only to be startled by a loud honk directly beside him. Turning around jumping he found Rifaat grinning back at him. "Daydreaming?" the young man asked him friendly, tilting his head, gesturing to the passengers seat of the old jeep he sat in. "Want to have a ride, sunnyboy?" Ripping the door open and throwing his backpack in he slit into the seat, growling. "I told you not to call me that." Shrugging Rifaat started the car and steered it through the chaos, not even giving him a look. "You still haven't told me your name. If I work for you I need to be able to call you, so you are sunnyboy to me. You know..." Flashing him another big smile the guide shoved his shoulder lightly, "...because of your shining personality." 

Not finding it worth to comment that he switched his focus on taking in the world that flew by his window, foreign and new and still like something intimate, a strange echoing inside his skull. As they reached the borders of the city Rifaat pushed the car into another gear and sped up, getting them on their way to the north, to the heartland. Rolling down the window he fished his cigarettes out and offered them to his client, but the strange american declined. Lightning his own anyway Rifaat raised and eyebrow as the other suddenly spoke. "Thaer." "Pardon?" "My name. Thaer." Going back to his motionless starring he tried the taste of this reality on his tongue. Obtaining a new name did the transition way better then any cloth or look could have done. 

xxxxxxxxxxxx 

Josh was for sure enjoying his new personality. He enjoyed it to the point even Brendon Urie took him aside to tell him to tune it down a bit, that he maybe have had enough for that night, that he shouldn't take the drunken fan girl home. Driving him to his appartment the singer prooved what a good of a friend he was despite his bad reputation. "We'll talk tomorrow, I'll come get you for lunch!" he threatened with his index finger pointed on the drummer, Josh just shrugged it off. It wasn't like he would let himself get intimidated by things like this anymore. 

Crashing on his bed, still too high strung to find rest he found his thoughts wandering then, exactly what he had tried to avoid. It was strange how the memory of a smell could brand itself in ones brain, how the texture of a touch became a lingering presence on his skin. There was so much more to Jenna then her beauty, of course people realised that, still Josh was sure that only a few felt the magic of her soul, how deep and serious and even little dark she was. Hands moving without his persmission he recognised the feeling of being taken care of by her, his blood starting to boil as his fingers brought pleasure, his desire tricking him into imagine it were her hand pumping him slowly, faster soon. 

Throwing his head back he moaned, loud into the stillness of the room, the void of another person in his life, his mind drowning in the reflection of her, her, her in it. Reaching a peak, being passed through by a bliss that nearly knocked his drugged brain out, Josh ended up panting, sweating, dirty on the sheets, the hollow feeling slowly creeping back into his bones, while his mind still was defensless to it. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

There was no way their ride could stay silent all the time, Thaer well recognised that. Still, as his guide pushed a tape into the old radio he was quick to stop it before it could even start to play. "No music." he gave, maybe a littlebit more harsh then he had intended. He couldn't understand what Rifaat was saying back at him, but he surely got that it was a curse. "You can give me names in english." "Asshole. Thanks for the offer." Without wanting Thaer had to chuckle on that, the first emotion he experienced in his new life, and it was a good one. Turning a little more to the side, finding a more comfortable position he decided that maybe making a friend wouldn't be such a bad thing after all. 

"Ok, see I'm sorry. I know I'm...messed up a bit and not the best chatting partner, but I'm thankfull you do this." Scoffing the young man threw one of his endless cigarettes out of the jeeps window. "You pay good." "Well, my boyish american charme is obviously not enough to seduce you so..." Grinning Rifaat leaned back into his seat and let his gaze linger at the endless street before them. "You know, sunnyboy, maybe you're not THAT bad after all..." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jenna didn't want to leave the darkness, she didn't want to stand up anymore. Life had become sense- and meaningless, in the matter of days, without direction, without an aim. All that was left for her was the empty space in her heart, the one that was held by two men, and neither of them were there to catch her when she fell. Turning to the side she tried to avoid a conversation as a soft knock no the door announced her mother entering, slowly coming up to her, sitting down on the bed. Not that the blond didn't appreciate her parents tries to cheer her up, but still al she wanted to do was yell at her to leave her alone, drown in her agony.

Carefull stroking her daugthers greasy hair out of her face her mother sighed then, starting a try she obviously had well planned, but that was worth nothing as she couldn't know what was tearing her daugther appart. "Jen...see...I know this is not easy, and you miss Tyler very much, are afraid about him. But as far as I got to know your husband he's one of the most strong willed people I ever met...and I'm sure he is fine. What he had to learn about himself may have thrown him off a bit, and he may need time to calm down on his own, but I'm one hundret percent positive Tyler will come home as soon as he is ready." Letting her palm linger on the younger womans face she got on. "You can't let yourself go so much, Jenna. When he returns he will need you." 

Closing her eyes the blonde just turned her back on her mother, left her in the silence, didn't care to explain. While she starred at the white wall before her Jenna tried to forget the way she had felt when Josh had given her his trust, when someone who was capeable of so much power himself knelt before her. Remembering the conversation they have had about her husband, the way he had handled her there on the dancefloor, she couldn't stop but shiver. Every fibre of her being longed to touch him since then, feel his body on her, see and test if he would bend his will as much for her as Tyler had done, or if he, like she suspected, would battle her in order to keep their dominance balanced. Closing herself up in her mind Jenna was glad that nobody around her could read it in her face. She was not breaking because Tyler had gone...she was breaking because she secretly whished he would never come back.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Steering the Jeep to the side of the road Rifaat turned the engine off and wiped his tired eyes before he layed them on his client beside him. Thaer had fell asleep hours ago, and he didn't look like he would wake up that soon, a circumstance the young lebanese saw as a blessing for now. Not that the older would have been dislikeable to him, but yet there was something about him that made Rifaat think. It wasn't so much his appeareance, the unusual tattos he showed where his skin was free, it was more the way he acted in common, how he always took time to answer questions, as if he would have to overthink carefully which inormation he should share. 

Cheking another time if he was asleep by snipping his fingers directly before the others nose Rifaat decided to act fast then. He leaned forward and carefully dragged openthe zipper of the backpack his client had placed on the floor between his feet, observing what he saw, smiling as he recognised the edges of a passport. Carefully tugging it out, checking up on the others sleep state every now and then he leaned back then and switchend the document open, searched for the page with the personal informations. Finding it the young man only hardly surpressed a loud curse. "Son of a bitch!" he whispered, as he closed the passport and placed it back in it's position, zipping the backpack closed and waiting for a few minutes so he could be sure he hadn't been fooled. 

Stepping out of the car swiftly then Rifaat grasped to the backside of his pants and pulled a gun out of his waistband, rounding the car and taking position beside the passengers door. Taking a deep breath he yanked it open, gripped the sleeping man and pulled him out of the jeep, a few feet away from it, where he pushed im down to the ground. "Wsflg....what the fuck?" Thaer yelled at him as his brain catched up on his bodys sudden change of position and he turned in the dirt, looking up at the younger who pointed the gun down at him. "Shit, are you fucking crazy?" "YOU ask ME that out of all people? Man I know you for about two days and can already tell that you are completly nuts, so spare me the discussion!" 

Trying to calm down his heart, beating painfully against his ribcage, Thaer slowly rose his hands into a defensive position. "Ok...what even is this about?" Relaxing a little, but still keeping the gun between them the young man nodded at him. "Who is Tyler Joseph?" Not sure if it were the fact that he was cheated or the mention of the name that got him angry the singer spat back. "You noisy little fucker!" "Well, sunnyboy, I don't like people who lie to me! And I'm for sure not going to drive into the fucking no where with someone who doesn't even give me his real name!" Sensing that the tension was more and more subsiding Thaer sat up than, whiped his face with his arm. "It's complicated." "I suppose. So what is this? Are you some special agent on a secret mission? Or just a serial killer on the run who slides me open at night?" 

Already disarming him from courage and moving him to take the gun down the older smirked up at Rifaat. "A little paranoid, aren't we?" Rolling his eyes, reaching out his hand to help the other to stand up the adressed scoffed. "You really got no clue what is it like out here, don't you?" Tilting his head, looking at him confused while he patted the dust off his clothes the singer shrugged. "What do you mean?" "This!" Rifaat stretched out his arms and gestured around, "The outlands, and the mountains we are going to." "Yeah? What's the deal about it?" Putting the gun back into it's place, gesturing the older to go to the car first Rifaat payed heat to still be alarmed enough to defend himself, should the stranger suddenly attack.

"The war never ended out here. You better watch your back if you're interacting with the people up there. And if you want me to watch your back too..." touching the olders arm so to make him turn and face him Rifaat closed "don't lie to me!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Still no sign from him?" "Not a single one." Sighing Mark leaned back into the seat, shaking his head. "This is massive shit, man!" He recognised the way Michael shrunk into himself beside him, like he would try to avoid the confrontation, like he had have it too often already. "Hey...I'm sure he is ok! He's somewhere laughing his dumb ass off about us." Ignoring his attempt to make him smile Michael slowly tapped a beat with his fingers on the armrest. "If it weren't only for him, I'd maybe be less scared." he began, slowly. "But Jenna's not talking to anyone and Josh is trying to partying himself to death if you want to believe Brandon Urie's judgement. I don't think that Tyler is aware what kind of chaos he left when he took off." 

Thinking about this for some moments Mark took in the sight of the city below them, from up on the hills, with the stars stretched out in the open. "I don't think he's aware of anything at all. I mean..." carefully closing up to the topic the videographer leaned forward on his hands, propped them on the wheel, "Ty was never exactly a sane person. He always had this...I don't know...he was transcendental sometimes. As if there where this two souls in his chest. The goof he is...he has us laughing in no time if he wants to with his silly behaviour...and then remember when he's writing and everybody tip toes around him because of the aura he has. True genius requires insanity...and as we both know our friend is one we should consider the possibility that he tripped over finally." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Josh where asleep, knocked out by the substances in his veins when his phone lit up. It vibrated, silently, too quiet to be heared, like a beacon of hope in a sea of chaos. It went still again, he groaned and turned a little, caught in weird dreams about concerts and skin and candles, lost without something to hold on to, or to controll. When he woke up sweaty later in the night he was delussional, couldn't hold reality from trip. Maybe it had been to much, maybe a feeling that was so strong that he needed to finish himself like this to at least lessen it wasn't something that could be pushed aside, as much as he wished to. 

Tossing his sheets appart, searching for his phone Josh frowned when he saw the unanswered call, checked the number. His hand where shivering, the thumb dancing undecidingly above the call button for a second before he pressed down, rolled on his back again, raised the phone to his ear. The rings where soothing, constant, he nearly whished they would go on, but as soon as he heared her silk voice, damaged by the pain she had been through, he knew that nothing on this earth was a sweeter sound to him. "Joshua?" she asked, as he came up with nothing, left the line crackling betweent them. It where the simplicicity that brought the beauty, something a moment like this shouldn't have held, not with the background of what they did.

"I can't stop dreaming about you." he said, slowly, with his eyes closed, gave her the words that could be the tools to destroy his heart. She was smiling, he could tell, when she answered, quiet and low. "It's strange, isn't it? It's like I can feel you, every moment I'm awake." "What will this mean?" Not really wanting an answer, but knowing that they couldn't linger in a state like this, Josh braced himself for the worst of outcomes, that made his way into his life so genuine as Jenna sighed. "That we're taking a very wrong, very human decission."


	19. Chapter 19

They decided to set up a tent for the night, as there was no timetable to achieve. Thaer could feel the others gaze lingering on him the whole time, always aware of what he did, where his hands were. Rifaat tried to not let him feel his distrust too much, still it sat in his neck like a hungry lion. The problem was he didn't knew what to tell the other as he didn't even knew who he where himself by now. Setting up the tent in silence they grabbed some wood the younger had brought and lit a fire, finally both sitting down beside it. Scanning a large bag Rifaat pulled out a few food items and handed the older some, before he leaned forward, took the gun out of his waistband and placed it beside of him, visible as a silent warning.

Yet he was not asking, shared their meal in silence as if he would sense that the older needed time to find the right words. "I'm no one you have to be afraid off. I'm no one special, you know?" the singer began, looking into the fire dancing before his eyes. "My name IS Thaer. Thaer Elmasri, to be specific. It's the one I was given when I was born. But I'm Tyler too. That's the name the people who brought me up gave me." Giving a sound somewhere between a grunt and a gulp Rifaat took a deep draft out of his water bottle, before he threw the other a challenging grin. "Kind of figured you're not one hundret percent redneck, sunnyboy! So, let me guess, you're from over here?" "Yeah, from the place we are going to. I didn't know about it although, until...well, last week." Tilting his head the younger checked up on his food on the fire, turned it before he answered. "And you just decided to fly over here and go sightseeing a bit? Wow man, I knew already you have money, but you must be a rich motherfucker to do that!"

Deciding that he better wanted to leave the impression the younger had gotten like this for the moment Thaer eyed the meat he handed him from all sides before he carefull tried it. Maybe it was just the fact that he hadn't really eaten a lot in the past days, but it tasted just heavenly. "That's good stuff, man!" he waved the spear at the other who grinned broadly. "Yap, just better don't ask me what it is." Stopping to chew and giving him a horrified glance Thaer was glad to find him laughing out loud then. "You should see your face, man! It's lamb, actually, I'm not going to poison you." Relaxing his strained muscles a bit the singers gaze fell on the weapon, still placed closely to the youngers hand. "What's your story, Rifaat?" 

He could feel the defensive manner the younger took before he even gave something back. "Why am I supposed to have one?" Finishing his meal and leaning back on his hands satisfied Rifaat starred into the fire. "Well, given the way you're ready to defend yourself I'd say you already had to do it in the past." It was a sarcastic laugh this time, as Rifaat shook his head a bit, subtly sidestepped the topic. "So you grew up in america, right? See, sunnyboy, if you are from over here and actually had to stay...you better learn to defend yourself if you want to survive." A cold feeling running through his veins the singer shivered, although the night was warm around them. "Not mean to offend you, Rifaat, but you live in Beirut, right? Spending time there I got the impression it's not that far from some western cities. It's not like there still would be war." 

Standing up apruptly, grapping the weapon and making himself ready to head for their tent the younger snapped: "I had took you for smarter then this. War never ends, sunnyboy! Once hate is placed between people it's nearly impossible to remove it." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

@Mikesec: Tyler, listen, I know you do what is the best for you right now, but man...please just answer, ok? Your parents are devastated and Jenna is not even leaving her bed anymore. I can't handle all this people asking me about you all the time, as they suppose I know where you are and talk to you, but decline them telling what's going on. Seriously, Ty...I'm not sleeping well anymore. I have nightmares everytime I close my eyes. All I ask for is to know if you're alive an unharmed. Please don't leave us hanging like this.

Sending the message and tossing his phone to the side Michael got up and pulled himself a glass of water, turning around surprised as he heared the keys in the front door turning. "Mark! Wasn't you supposed to go to Jennas'?" Wearing an expression that promised nothing good the videographer came in and leaned his arms on the desk, let his head hang low. "I was there. She was not." Slamming the glass down on the plate with force Michael gave an agonized look to heaven. "Damn! Don't tell me she flew down there as well!" "Nope. She did not." Closing his eyes as he already knew what was to come the security sat down and let his head fall in his hands. "She's in LA." Mark gave with a dead silent voice. 

"You're kidding me, right?" "Appearently she launched out her bed from one second to the other, got showered, dressed and left her parents house. Her mom found her laptop open, she had booked the first flight she could get." Shooting up again the security stomped over to his couch and grabbed the phone from under the cautions, speed dialed the number he knew so well. "Did he call?" Josh gave instead of an hello, agitated to hear his friend. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" "Pardon?" "Don't play dumb, asshole, I'm talking about Jenna!" There was a moment of silence, when Michael could feel how the drummer tripped between lie and truth, before he snorted into the phone. "That's none of your fucking buisness, Gibson!" 

"Are you completly nuts, Joshua? He's your best..." "SHUT THE FUCK UP! Just step back, Michael, leave it alone! I'm so done with being told what to do by all of you people, to be but in second place in order to keep Tyler good! You want the truth, Michael? Then open your eyes! He fucking left us in this mess, all on our own, he destroyed my life without even blinking and eye and he destroyed hers too! Tyler doesn't care the fuck about any of us, not even you, his oh-so-holy-guardian! Kelly and Chris literally saved his fucking life and he isn't even able to send them a message? You know what, Mike? Tyler Joseph was dead for me the minute he left that fucking hotel!" 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Feeling like a criminal on the run she tugged the scarf around her head closer, pushed the sunglasses up. They had to be careful these days, so he wasn't there to pick her up, it wasn't even his home the taxi brought her to, but the one of a good friend who was on vacation. Passing by the fake happyness and glory that lay like a poisonous mist over this city Jenna searched herself for regret, for repentance, for anything that would hold her back, but there where nothing. It felt like a bad movie, like a scene with sad music background, when she stepped out the car and into the coolness of the hallway, taking the steps instead of the elevator. Gliding down the aisle to the door he was waiting behind Jenna slowly grew out of who she had used to be, let pieces of her mind fall along the way. Stopping at the door with the right number she raised her hand to knock, but the door swung open long before her skin could make contact, and their universes collided.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Letting his feet hang into the refreshing water Thaer looked down on the picture in his hand. He tried hard to tell himself that he missed her, but disconnected to his old self as he was at the moment, he couldn't find a trace of longing for her inside his mind. She had been his stability in a world full of chaos, where he had been a prisoner of his own mind, now it nearly felt like she had been one of the guards that kept him in. Of course it wasn't her fault that she had taken control, it was his, and so he didn't nourish any bad feelings towards her, none beside of being sorry for not keeping the promise he gave her when he put the ring on her finger.

Folding the picture and placing it back in his pocket he fished out the phone, switched it on, waited for messages to receive and read them this time before he deleted them. Feeling a trace of guilt on the last one he switched the messenger open, searched for the number of the woman that had taken her as her son. 

@TyoJ: I love you mum. Now maybe more then ever. 

It were no lie, he did love her, from the bottom of his heart, and he was fairly sure that nothing would change the fact that she was what stroke him closest as a mother. Yet it hurted to think of her like that, at least in the moment, with the knowledge that there had been someone else holding him close as he entered the world, naked, defendless, scared. It hurted to know that he would never recognise her scent, never feel the texture of her skin, never look into the eyes of the person who had held him nine months under her heart, spoke to him, fed him with her body. Thaer felt like a part of his rights as human being had been taken away, and he struggled with the feeling of rage that caused inside of him. 

Shutting the phone down again he sighed, took in his surroundings. The precursor of the mountains where beautiful, wide seas of wild flowers blooming in the mild sun, calmly waving in the wind. Thaer couldn't even remember when he had last sat like this, he must had been a young boy. He remembered that he had enjoyed the nature a lot, when he had been on adventures with Michael and his younger brother Zack. The thought of this gave him a sting to his heart, he wondered if Zack had also known about his story, if their bond would have been so closely too if he hadn't. 

Plunging down beside him, sticking his dirty feet into the water too Rifaat ripped him out of his thoughts. "So, the guy at the gas station says that the hicksville we're getting in is the last fairly populated place on our way. I suggest we stay there for a night and fill up on supplies, and by tomorrow evening I guess I should be able to take you where you wanna go." He had assumed that relief would take over the olders face, so Rifaat was fairly surprised when his features darkened on that. "No good memories on that place?" he asked, carefully, gripping some water and letting it run through his fingers. Starring at the clear drops falling down and mixing with the river Thaer furrowed his front. "No memories at all." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

With the back of her head hitting the wall hard Jenna let out a groan that didn't even met air as he drank it in directly from her lips. Slunging her arms and feet around him instantly, pulling him closer, she just gripped his hair and let her tongue find his, without any hesitation. Tonight, Jenna decided, she needed to feel alive. Spinning them around, bringing them to the ground Josh practically shred her shirt down her body, ripped her scarf appart while she dragged her nailes into the pale skin of his neck, never breaking the hard battle their tongues fought. Gripping her wrists he brought her hands up over her head and bit down on her throath, arched against his mouth, as she panted hard, deeply. 

With a devilish smile he let his lips wander down her shoulder then, carefully, calming first, until he sucked on her skin, left a mark, and another, and Jenna didn't knew if she ever had felt such a need to be coloured all over, posessed by someone. Still a part of her called for resistence, for not letting him have his way and so she thightened her feet around his hips again and gave them a sudden push, bringing him out of balance and flip them so he lay on his back now. Not missing a single beat Jenna went down then, mirrored his actions, lightly bit his nipples on her way, nails scratching at his sides, reaching the waistband of his pants. When she started to tug on it strong fingers suddenly found her hair, gripped her hard, yanked her back a bit so she had to look up at him. 

Hit by the pure domination he exuded like this, a streak she had never seen on him before, she gave a whine as he tugged her hair again to get her attention. "Jenna..." Josh growled, making sure to keep his gaze drilled in hers so he could read the answer. "If you go on here I'm not gonna stop. Are you sure you wanna cross that border?" Letting his head fall back he cursed with conviction as she just pulled his pants down and let her mouth enwrap him.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Waking up from a fretful slumber Kelly didn't even bother to try to go back to sleep. Her husband was out, deep exhausted, maybe even more effected by his sons dissapearing then she was herself. Tyler had always been a special kid, aside from his origin, he had challenged her in so many ways from his earliest childhood on. Taking her slippers she stood up and went across the hall, to the room he and his brother had lived in for so long. Kelly hadn't changed much, there still where all their trophies, their pictures, their magazines. She could remember him vividly, how he used to walk up and down in this room during their lectures, when she told him about the elementary laws of nature or mathematic principles. 

Tyler had always wanted more, and his brain had sucked in every information he could get. Still he had not turned into a scientist, or a professional sports player as Chris had secretly hoped. He had found his very own way and as much as it had scared her in the beginning, as much she was glad that he had done so now. Writing his music, reaching so many people had become his purpose and she saw him grow with it, eqally her pride in him grew. Now, that he seemed to have cut all the bonds that held him to this life, one that he maybe hadn't choosed, but modelled, Kelly tried to defend her heart from harm by triying to tell herself that Tyler never had been really hers, always only had been a gift god gave her to raise and develope. There was nothing she could ask for in return. 

The more her heart nearly stopped when she went down to the kitchen, to get some water, checked her telephone more out of routine then awareness. Seeing an incoming message from a number she had pictured for days now, her hands started to shake and had to grip on the plate not to sway too much. Opening it she read the words hastly, again and again until she couldn't identify them anymore through her tears. Although she knew it would not satisfy the way she missed him Kelly pressed the phone close to her heart and hoped he could feel her hug, wherever he was right then. "Thank you!"


	20. Chapter 20

Josh knew that she was used to be cradled in words, better then the ones he could give, so he didn't even try to compete with that. His language was more subtle, more challenging though, resulted in the soft streak of lips over purple sucked marks or the soothing lick of a tongue around imprints of teeth. It consisted of the way he interlaced his fingers with her, kissed his way down between her breasts, slow and carefull, whorshipping the body he had just misused for his own pleasure. She hadn't really minded though, if the noises she had made where something to go by after all. Having him nearing her center she sighed now, nearly audible, letting her fingers dance gently over his face, a ghosting revision of the way she had gripped his chin. 

Following the unspoken request he came up again, to her lips, lingered low above her for a moment before he closed in for a kiss, the first one that transpired more then need and want and attraction. When he broke away she held him back, connected their fronts, held her eyes closed though. "Tell me we just can stay here like this forever." she whispered, little shots of electricity dancing down her spine when his fingers streaked into her hair, brought it back so he could study her face better. "I can't promise you a forever because, seriously, who can?" Kissing her eyes, then her lips he inhaled, made her scent a constant memory. "But for me all that matters is that we are here now." This time she didn't stop his affections, stayed the way he silently told her to do and slowly let him create a new reality, a one just for the two of them. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Singing awefully false to what seemed to be a pretty weird arabic pop song Rifaat drummed away on the steering wheel. Thaer hadn't been in the mood to talk, so he had gave in on the music task, which he bitterly repented in that moment. Shooting him one of his ever present fat grins the young man beside him lit another cigarette. Sometimes Thaer wondered where he kept so many, by the qoute he smoked them down. "You got no sense for music, sunnyboy!" Nearly spilling the drink he had just been tilting to his mouth the older leaned forward and gripped the headboard. "Shit!" "Woah, Woah, easy there, boy! Don't wanna choke on a coke! Ha...that rhymed!" 

Not sure if Rifaats humour was a help or an obstacle in order to keep sane Thaer caughed: "Actually, I am a musician. That means...Tyler is. Back there." Settling down a bit, but still being full of warm overdrive the younger tilted his head. "It's hella' weird if you talk of yourself in third person, man!" "I know. I'm sorry. I just...don't feel like myself at the moment." Letting a few miles roll away under them Rifaat tried to get the conversation going again. "So, music, hm? Are your parents spoiled or are you that good?" Chuckling lightly, beginning to feel the comfort of closer social interaction again Thaer decided that it was ok to converge to his old life a bit. "Well, I consider myself fairly ok, but people seem to think I'm good." 

"So why don't you like music then?" It was Rifaats uncomplicated way of just asking what he wanted to know, without trying to formulate a carefull question that made it so easy to open up to him. "As Tyler, I like music...at the moment...I need the silence. I need to think. And I can't think when I hear music. I start to float." Furrowing his front the younger spit out of the window, which earned him a disgusted look. "You didn't look very floaty when I sang." "That, my friend, was also no music!" 

"Sunnyboy! A joke? You start to live up to your nickname!" Rifaat grinned, but his joy turned into seriousness very soon as he made out the village the gas station guy had talked of. "Thaer...your parents...I mean your stepparents...they brought you up as a christian, haven't they." Irritated the older sat up more. "Yeah. How do you..." an offhand gesture to his shoulder answered the question before it as even full. "Oh...right." "See..." clearly uncomfortable about the topic the young lebanese got on. "the people up here are strong religious Alevis. You might...change your shirt. You know...to hide at least that one." Darkening his features Thaer shook his head. "I'm not going to renounce myself! This is the twenthy century, man, that's just ridiculous." Already knowing how stubborn the other obivously was Rifaat sighed and decided that it was maybe time to let him learn on his own. "And this is Lebanon and not america. Just wanted to spare you some trouble, boy." 

It got silent between them, as they reached the village. Letting the Jeep roll down the road, that wasn't worth to be called a street, slowly, Rifaat stopped in front of a house that seemed to be some kind of tavern. "Ok, Thaer, listen," turning he made sure to have the full attention of his client before he got on, "you hired me to get you up there safely and paid me a hell lot of money to do so. Now, please just let me do my job and actually do what I say until we're out of here, ok? Don't talk to the people, they wouldn't understand you anyway, and if someone talks to you, don't answer. Stay close to me at all times, don't touch anything." "What are you, my mum?" "No." feeling that the younger was down right honest when he continued Thaer leaned back in his seat and sighed. "But the people up here are not used to strangers, and you, my friend, are maybe the strangest thing they have ever seen." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

"...still wondering about the sudden break up of charts most surprising Newcomers of last year, the ohian duo twentyone pilots. While some think that an infidelty of singer Tyler Josephs wife with his drummer Josh Dun may have been the cause for them to stop their tour and announce a hold in their band project, there are more and more voices telling that Joseph might just have broken down under the pressure of growing fame, as he is known for struggeling with mental issues. While Dun was seen partying in LA the last week, Joseph is nowhere to be found. What a sad ending to an incredible carrer." 

Ending to read out the article, putting down his phone, Mark observed the impact the harsh words had on his friend. Michael had never been one to show great feelings, and that his frustration and tiredness was so visibly written on his face told a lot. "Hyenas! The same author was praising them to heaven two months ago." he growled, in order to say anything at all. Starring motionless to the ceiling, his hands crossed behind his head the security sounded as defeated as he looked. "But he's right Mark. It's over. The guys are already starting to pick up other jobs. Shep came to me yesterday and wanted my word that Tyler will be coming back and the band will resume. I couldn't give it to him. In a few weeks, there will only be you and me left." 

Grabbing his camera from the desk, so his hands where occupied the videographer bit his lip. "Maybe we should go on too. You know, Michael, I believe you. You're sure Tyler will return. But I don't think that he and Josh will ever be able to work together again. I mean...dude, he's banging his best friends wife! That's..." "What people do when life has it's ways with them." Michael ended the sentence before it could get mean. He had thought a lot about his last conversation with the drummer and had realised that Josh had gotten a point. Over the years everyone had constantly put themselfs back to make Tyler stronger, better, more sane. Maybe it had been a mistake. Maybe the pressure that was created this way had been what had made him tipp over. Maybe that was why they all felt so hollow, now that he was gone, and had to start to fill the empty space with new meanings.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Turning the bacon in the pan Josh felt his smile getting even more content as pale, perfect arms slid around his form and soft hair touched his shoulder. For a second his fingers grazed hers, then he got on preparing breakfast, enjoying the normality of a situation, that was anything then average. Jenna did not stop to let her hands roam though, let them map out the muscles on his chest, the small caverns where his shoulders met his neck. It was like revisiting a land, once as a blind, now able to see, and she wondered how there ever could have been anyone other on her mind. Finishing his cooking Josh spinned in her embrace then, hang his arms loosly on her shoulders, kissing the top of her head. 

"Do we need to talk about this?" she gave, weak, drunken from his affections, the way every single of his moves screamed about his longing for her. "Do you want to?" the drummer answered silently, marveling the way her fingers danced up and down his spine now. "No." she dediced, after thinking it over, while she just couldn't keep her hands still on him. "I don't wanna think. I want to feel." Obeying her wish Josh leaned down and kissed her then, deep, seductive, slow. Jenna felt the push with wich he started to walk her backwards and she followed, as long until her body hit the desk. With a harsh twist to her hips he turned her then, made her grip the edge of the table as he pulled her close, hot breath flowing down her neck, wet lips tracing every knuckle of her spine, down to the fine curved skin off her ass. "Don't move!" he growled before he started to make her feel for sure, things she hadn't even known were real. 

Xxxxxxxxxxx

Two minutes into the tavern Thaer kicked Tyler mentally in the ass for not following his guides suggestion. As soon as they had entered the small, dirty house the had been under the intensive stare of five men, sitting on a table in the corner, smoking a large waterpipe. They didn't seem to mind Rifaat too much, although he looked fairly different and western in comparison to themselfs, but Thaer got awfully self concious in that moment. The transition was strange, it felt like stepping out of his body, making room for someone else, switching in place. Tyler slowly slung his arms around his body and hurried up to follow Rifaat to the counter. 

The young lebanese had already begun to talk to the man there, both of them richly gesturing, a habit people here seemed to nurse, Tyler found, and it was something familiar, something he heared about himself a lot. Words sometimes just didn't seem to be enough, although he kept himself pretty still in normal daily conversations. Taking his place at the youngers side Tyler avoided all eye contact with the men in the corner, although he could feel theirs scanning his every inch. Rifaat started to exchange money for goods then, obviously trying to make the trade quick and clean, and Tyler could feel his nervousness and strain. Tilting his head only a little to the side, so he could take a look out of the corner of his eyes the singer examined the men closer then, realising that at least two of them where holding guns under the table. 

Panic rose in his mind like the pile in his throat, he felt loosing control again, started to tremble. "Thaer?" Like a flashlight the name pulled him out of his haze, turned him into the other again, focused him and pushed back the chaos in his mind. Looking up he found Rifaat holding out some supplies for him to carry, never letting his worried gaze off him as he growled a "Let's go!" and left the tavern quickly. Stumbeling behind him the singer squinted his eyes as they stepped out into the sun again, loaded the goods into the back of the car like the other did. Leaning on the side of the jeep, lightning himself a cigarette Rifaat sticked out one to the older too. "You know I don't smoke." 

Straight faced the younger answered: "I know. But you will take that cigarette. And you will smoke it. And when you are ready, you will get into the car slowly, and we will drive away in all piece of mind. There are three guns pointed at your back at the moment, sunnyboy. If we leave to fast they will shoot us, because they think we were up to something, felt exposed and are trying to flee, if we leave to slow they will shoot us just because we don't belong here. So fill your lungs with smoke and fucking smile while you do so." 

For a moment he thought Thaer would just turn around, trying to look where the danger was, so Rifaat exhaled reliefed when he didn't, but grapped cigarette and lighter and took a deep draft. Holding the burning smoke in his lungs with closed eyes for a second Thaer let him stream slowly out of his mouth, surpressing the caugh, twitching his lips to a faked smile. "They can't just fucking shoot us because I got a cross tattooed on my shoulder!" "Oh, believe me, this is not even about religion." Tossing his cigarette to ground and killing it with his shoe the younger growled. "This is about how the old ones hate change, because it's braking their dogmas. About being afraid of everything that's new."

Mimicking his action, nearly forgetting about why he had even smoke in he first place Thaer started to round the car, got in to the passengers seat while the other started. None of them gave a reliefed breath as they left the village, as nothing happened, as the sun still shone like it ever had. "I don't get it." Thaer said, finally, as the silence started to get uncomfortable. "How can people be so closed up to the world?" "Nothing that ever came from the outside has been good on them. The militarys have raged up here. They killed people for no other reason then fun, burnt their houses into the ground. If you would loose everything you have you would also defend what is left." Looking to the ground embarrased he felt sudden streak of emotion, one that belonged to the other, to the now distant side of him. 

"I'm not that brave, I'm afraid. I would run. That's what I did." Furrowing his brows Rifaat answered: "Well, sometimes it's better to run. When there's a battle that can't be won for example. Or when what you have left is not as much worth as what you can find if you move on." Being too hurt, too hit by these words the singer turned away, said nothing, let himself dissolve in the unrealness of all of this, while they came closer and closer to the place where he hoped to find salvation. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

@KellyJ: To be honest, I didn't know what to say to you, that's why this message took so long, and why it's probably also longer then it should be. First of all, I'm so thankful you let me know you're alive and took my deepest fears away. There's something I need to make sure you know Tyler: Remember when you were nine and you and Zach broke my necklace? I penalised the both of you the same way. Or when you sneaked Maddie out so she can met her friends when I had her grounded...I gave you both the same lecture. No matter if it where Jay or you who won a game, I always clapped as loud for the both of you and was as proud when you guys smiled at me afterwards. And when you married, I welcomed your wife just like I will welcome every of my kids loved ones. The point is Tyler, no name, no origin, no past is gonna change that one thing for me: You are my son, just as much as your siblings are my children. I know you are hurt and wounded and afraid, and there's nothing I wish more then I could be with you right now and hold your hand. But as you are the wonderful, intelligent, deeply good person you have grown to, I have no fear. You will make your way Tyler, whatever this way might be. I love you.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys are amazing! thank you so much for your commenting and the nice words! I try to keep going like this but have a lot of work to do this week so sorry if I will take one day off or something ;)

"...can't hurt too bad if we do one or two radiostations too. They all have been bombarding us with interview requests for days now, sooner or later we need to give them something." Not hiding his dissapointment the label manager sat down across the table again, folding his finger and giving the man in front of him a serious look. "See, Joshua, I'm aware that this situation is very hard on you, but if we don't react soon there will be a lot more damage done then already happened." Drawing circles with the tip of his finger on the glass plate the drummer was far away, inside his head, where she had pulled him. Jenna was a force of nature, he had learned, she was wild and untameable...as much as she was devot and sweet when she had too. She were all the extremes he always had felt in himself, that desire for challenge as much as for care, of being held and holding. In only two days she had given him so much more then any other girl ever had.

"Josh?" startling bit as his manager touched his arm he changed from his bored position to something a little more presentable. "What?" "The interviews. Are you ok with it?" Waving him off annoyed the drummer hoped to get this over soon so he could return into the only world that held stability for him right now, the one they built together. "Yeah, whatever." Satisfied the label manager nodded. "Good, then we should work out some answers to the most obvious questions they'll have so you are prepared." "We don't need to do that." "But Josh...!" Grinding his teeth bitter the drummer cut him off. "We will tell them the truth. That we don't know if we will continue. That I do sleep with Jenna. That Tyler Joseph doesn't care about anyone them himself right now." 

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Letting the wind run through his fingers Tyler watched the landscape fly by, as he stretched his arm out of the window. As Rifaat hadn't tried to break his silence this time he had used it for a moment of retreat, of looking at this from a different persepective. Carefully, like being afraid to trust himself too much, he had slipped into his old self again, had let the feeling taken over. Here he was now, somewhere in the wild, far away from stages and lights and people. And nontheless the young man sitting beside him Tyler had never felt so alone before. There was nothing left that linked him to home, he had doffed every physical proof of it. Wondering if it would still feel like that, like home when he got back, he realised the same moment the thought stroke him that he had never planned what to do after he found the place he was born, as much as he didn't knew what he hoped to find there.

Feeling a familiar headache spreading through his temples Tyler whished there was someone to soothe it, to make his spinning thoughts stop. His plead was heared though, but not in the way it had been for all those years. There was no other person that took control, that guided him down, let him sleep, while they took decissions. It was just another part of himself that filled in the room he made when he withdrew, present and strong and still all his own. Thaer took a deep breath and looked up to the stars, that stretched out endless above them.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Swinging her feet back and forth Jenna slung the sleeve paws she made with his hodie closer around her form. As much as they had wanted to they just couldn't let the world stand still. Josh needed to do his appointments with the label, and she expected him to have some interviews too, all things that connected them to their old life, made her remember. She didn't feel bad for what they had done though, although she was sorry things between her and Tyler had to end like this. He had been a good husband to her, alsways had treated her right and Jenna didn't mean to cause him any pain. Yet, after yers of self abandondment, of disclaim her desires, she felt like suffocating on the thought to go back to him, to Ohio, to that neatly placed life he had built around her. 

Josh was like her heart was: Wild, unpredictable, yet safe, clear in mind. Jenna enjoyed being the one who got all the attention, being the center of a relationship for once. Tiredly the blond took her phone out and ignored how it flowed over with unanswered messages from family and friends, asking her if she had gone crazy, if she was aware what she was doing. It would be an own battle to fight, facing all of them, but she wasn't ready to do that, wanted to delay it for as long as she could. Right now, she was all engulfed in happyness, and she didn't plan to let destroy this with their moral standards. 

Opening the messenger she starred down at it for a long time before she started to type.

@dimepieceJ: You have moved on. I have too. I'm sorry, Tyler. I don't love you anymore.

There was no regret when she send the words, none as she slipped the ring from her finger, let him linger in the palm of her hand for a moment, before she striked out and threw it into the chaos of the city under her. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

They got slower, the higher they came up. The streets where barely good enough to be called so and Thaer thanked his guide for his wiseness to bring a car like this. The old Jeep groaned under the pressure, but took every bump in the way with grace. Rifaat had told him that he wanted to get them a bit higher before they stopped for the night, and Thaer hadn't mind. The sooner they reached his destination, the better it was. Being caught in the beauty of the full moon, soaking everything in a light blue, nearly enlightning the night to day worth brightness, Thaer tensed when his eyes fell on a movement beside the road in front of them. 

He sat up and squinted his eyes, recognising a child, a girl, wandering there, bare foot and scarce cloath. Rifaat must had seen her too, but the young lebanese didn't lower their speed, drove her by and kept driving. "Fuck, Rifaat stop! We need to help her!" With a sad smile the other shook his head. "No, man, it's ok." "I sayed stop!" "Thaer, believe me it's better if you not..." Snorting determined the older pushed his door open and let himself fall out of the car suddenly. "ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?" Rifaat yelled, slowing down the car simultanly to Thaers fall, still he could see the older hit the ground and roll a few feet in the rear view mirror as he stopped. 

Thaer didn't stay down though, he pushed himself up on his arms and knees, stood, patted his cloth clean and stared to walk towards the girl. Growling a "Why do I even ask?" Rifaat pushed in the gear then and set the jeep back, stopped and followed his client. Thaer had reached the girl meanwhile, his right side rather damaged by dirt and scrapes, but the young lebanese knew too well that this wasn't why the girl stopped, avoided his gaze, started to shiver as the older knelt down beside her and wanted to reach out to her. "Thaer! Let her, ok?" Standing up again, looking at him through furrowed brows the singer shook his head. "We can't! Look at her! Something has obviously happened to her! She's barely ten years old and out here alone in the middle of the night!" 

Mumbling a curse under his breath the young lebanese took the few steps back to the car, pulled out one of their food containers and searched it for some bread and water, stomped back and pushed it into the other hands. "Yeah, sunnyboy, something happened to her. That something is war. She's a refugee. She's a syrian. I suppose she flet out of one of the camps in the plain. Give her the damn food and let us go on." Dissapointed on the youngers coldness and hit by the sudden realisation of the pain in his side Tyler took the lead in this. Wordless he grabbed the items and went back to the girl, who stood frozen where she had confronted her, her little arms slung thightly around herself, her head bowed to the ground. Tyler didn't know why this gave him such a bang to the heart, but the way she just stood there as if she handed herself over...he knew this position all to well. Yet this felt different. She had never been kneeling to someone on her free will. 

Getting down on her level he settled crosslegged into the dirt, payed heet to a few inches more between them, before he held out the food to her. "Here." he said, despite of knowing she wouldn't understand the word, but the gesture would translate. Hesitant, not looking at him, a thin arm was stretched out, took the bread. For a moment they just remained like this, him, watching, waiting, her, mesmerized, full of fear. Slowly the girl sat down then too, and started to eat, not hasty, always keeping herself small in front of him. Rifaat sighed and gave something along "too old for this shit!" before he came a little closer. "See, Thaer, I apreciate how good of a person you seem to be, and it was right from you to stop me. But...just let's go now, ok? You don't know anything about how these things here work, and I get you think you can help her...but you can't." 

Observing how the girl took one thoughtfull bite after the other Tyler didn't made the effort to correct Rifaat in his name. "You just don't want to, right?" "No, but..." Throwing his arms in the air the younger scoffed. "...it's dangerous! Since there's this war in Syria our country has faced large numbers of refugees. The government has decided that they must stay in camps, where they are registered and aided, so the situation can be kept under control. If she flet from there...they are going to search for her. And you don't wanna be with her when they find her." It appeared to be cold words he spoke then, but his eyes were warm and Tyler did understand him more then the singer liked then. "War changes your perspective Thaer. It's not like I wouldn't want to help other people, but the most important thing in the end is to stay alive. There's only one rule you must follow in order to do that: Never get between the fronts, man."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pensive Brandon tossed back the shot, before he slammed the glas down at the desk and tilted his head. "I can't say that I'm not...mildly surprised by this?" Grunting Josh grabbed the bottle and filled up their glasses, none of them paying attention to the dancing bodys, laughing people and loud music around of them. "And there I was, thinking Mr. - I bang everything I get - would be the one person not judging me!" "I'm not judging you." the singer gave back as he mirrored the drummers action and took the next shot, reached out and filled up again. "I know how life works sometimes...but if someone would have asked me I'd more suspected you and Ty going gay for each other then you and her. They seemed so...meant to be." "Obviously they weren't." 

Pausing this time in his motion Brendon let one of his hands creep across the desk and touched the others arm. Their friendship had never been one of support, they had been each others go to when they needed fun and light headed conversations, but this time the older felt like being responsible, as he knew he was the only one Josh still talked to fairly open. "Listen, boy, you know that I'm not trying to talk you out of this or something...but are you one hundret percent sure that you're relationship with Jenna is not kind of an automatic payback? I get, you try to give of coolness, but hey...we both know how much Tyler hurted you when he just took off. You're his best friend and he didn't even say good bye." Letting the alcohol warm his soul Josh starred into the dancing lights on the dancefloor. "Maybe we've never been friends after all. Maybe we were just dependent." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Coming back from his enviorment check up Rifaat took a minute to observe the scene before he stepped into the bright radius of the fire. Thaer had won after all, they had taken the girl, that had answered nothing on Rifaats questions, with them, sat up their camp about an hour later, when he got too tired to drive. There was a significant change he had witnessed, whenever the older interacted with the girl. He lost a lot of his sassyness, his hard demanour, even his features seemed to grow softer, his voice a little higher. Whatever it was, it was stunning, the way he managed to communicate just with gestures, small and spare but still saying so much. 

Right now Thaer finished his meat and put his arms behind his head, stretching his back. The girl observed him, intensivly, like she'd wait for something, a command, a call. Rifaat knew right away what was going on there, but again decided not to interferre. He couldn't decline that the older had started to make him think...the way he seemed unfazed by the fact that war was so close, and somehow he felt it was better to let him make his own expiriences with the cruelty of this. Letting his arms fall again Thaer gave the girl a smile and then wanted to say something towards his guard, but was startled by a sudden motion, when she rushed in front of him, got on her knees. Before he even understood what was going on the girl started to unbotten his pants and Thaer watched in horror, glad that Tyler took over soon enough. 

Gripping her wirsts he pushed her back, so she fell on her bumm, looking up at him in fear. "What the hell does she think she's doing?" Tyler yelled at Rifaat, who had sat down at the other side of the fire and crossed his arms. "Well...consider it her way to say thank you, sunnyboy!" "I don't under...oh." The realisation fell on him like hard rain and Tyler shivered on the thought alone, shook his head at her, gestured her to stay away. The girl didn't move, like she would wait for another command. "How does she even...she's a child...she shouldn't even know how this works!" "Remember what I sayed about staying alive? There are different ways to do that. And sometimes it requieres to grow up fast." Throwing the girl a few words in arabic, which made her sit back in her inital place and wait, Rifaat got on. 

"The camps they are brought in are controlled by militarys. You know how men work, Thaer, when they are given power...they use it. She probably has sucked more dicks by now then you'll fuck girls ever." Starring at him in shock Tyler tried to fight back the tears that burned in the corner of his eyes on this, until he turned and found her gaze. The girl sat there, no sign of pain or desperation in her face. She looked at him as if she would hope he would give her a chance to proove her worth, and it broke Tylers heart over and over. With shaking legs he stood up and stumbled over to her, fell on his knees beside the kid, that didn't know how to react other then shrink more into herself. Slunging his arms around her waist Tyler let his front on her knees then and cried, cried all the tears she should have been crying, but that had run dry long ago. 

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" he whispered over and over, while Rifaat watched the scene in awe. He had already learned that Thaer, or Tyler, or whoever he was, was a different kind of person. When the girl lay her hand on his head, stroked his hair and smiled, the young lebanese decided that the best way to describe the other was hope.


	22. Chapter 22

Bringing his sticks down hard on his drums Josh tried to get rid of the anger and the hangover he was feeling. While normally drumming calmed him down, helped him to focus, this time the effect wouldn't appear. He found it hard to keep even simple beats, felt off inside. It was a reoccuring feeling since he had realised how bond to each other he and Tyler had become. He had failed to see when it got too much, when his ability to express himself through music was dissabled without the other around. Frustrated Josh hit even harder, until delicate, soft finger crawled over his neck, his shoulders, and she embraced him from behind. 

"You should be relaxing. You had quiet a night given the state Brendon brought you here." "He was more wasted then I, he just hides it better." Chuckling the blonde circled him so she stood before him now, between him and his instrument. "Seriously Josh...this doesn't sound like you....it's too hectic, too chaotic...not how you used to play." Placing his sticks aside, slinging his arms around her waist and let his front fall on her belly the drummer sighed then. "I can't focus. I don't play by feeling, I think too much." Petting his messy coloured hair Jenna gave a distant smile. "We can change that quiet easily." Taking his hands in her, untangle him from her form she made him stand up, follow her. 

Josh had gotten used to her presence in his rooms now, to the subtle changes it brought, like the smell. Jenna loved fresh flowers, so she made sure to have new ones daily. Their sheets where no longer plain white ones, but silk, dark blue, soothing and soft. Leading him to the bedroom Jenna stopped by her wardrobe and took out some ropes. She was gentle when she slung them around his wrists, carefull as she attatched them to the headboard after telling him to ly down. Josh tried to regulate his breath as he finally was placed there, sweat from his workout still glistening on his skin, slowly drying and cooling him down to the point where he started to shiver lightly. 

Jenna had retreated, sat down on a chair nearby, let her eyes wander over his body. Although he was used to the attention of thousands, and not less of them undressing him with their eyes, her stare was different. It was not the dream of belonging to him but the knowledge that he was hers. After a while she stood up, walked to the dresser on the end of the bed. Attendend following her moves he inhaled sharply as she took out a candle. The most of their encounters had been rough, hard, deeply emotional, but they had never streaked the realms of what she had used to do with Tyler. Josh was not sure if he could handle it, if he even found any from of satisfaction in pain, so he was glad to learn that it didn't seem to be a condition, as she sat down beside him and caressed his face. 

"There's a word I need you to use if you want me to stop. It is desistere*!" Knowing he was expected not to answer the drummer kept silent, still, which delighted her visibly. "Close your eyes. Try to stay as calm as possible. Breath. Let the pain ground you." Slowly shutting his lids Josh felt his trembling increase, little elecrtic shocks of anticipation running all over his body. He heared the flick of the lighter, before the world went still again. Only a small noise, in the background, the sizzling noise of a flame, mixing with Jennas breath. Strained waiting for the pain to hit Josh was overran by it nontheless, couldn't hold back a small yelp as a hot liquid hit his belly, slightly over the waistband of his low hanging pants. "Joshua, Tacere*!" Jenna gave, sweet, but with determination and he sucked his lower lip in, bit down on it. 

The next droplets came more frequent, five at a time, marking a path up his abdomen, to his neck, the sting of the wax fading quickly when it dried, leaving a crust on his skin. Josh felt his breath getting more constant again, and he didn't flinch when she continued, got used to the feeling. It didn't matter how much he tried to move away, he was trapped, and she would go on anyway, so he just accepted, let go, set his mind free. Picturing his kit mentally the drummer started to recreate the beat he had just tried to play in his head. With every drop of wax painting his body he got a new impulse. Drop. Snare. Drop. Base. Drop. Kick. Drop...and Josh began to float.

xxxxxxxxxxxx 

It had gotten awefully late still Rifaat coudn'T bring it over his heart to go to sleep and leave the older alone in his questioning misery. By time, after Thaer had calmed down, the girl had slipped to the ground beside him, waited until he sat comfortably and then snuggled up to his side, pressing her small form into him, while she slowly fell asleep. Not knowing how to react first Tyler had finally decided what to do, and gave her the comfort she needed by laying his arm around her to keep her warm. The younger could see the storm raging in him, although he kept perfectly still so not to wake up the child. "I'm sorry if it seems like I wouldn't care." Rifaat started finally, after he felt he had to talk if he not wanted to fall asleep just where he sat. "But I'm just too used to all of this shit. I can imagine how deeply it must effect you though. It's not exactly what people in your home country are like." "This IS my homecountry." Thaer gave back, shoving Tyler aside, at least for the moment. "And that makes it even worse."

Stilling for a moment as the girl steered he took a deep breath and got on when she slept soundly again. "You were right, you know, my parents did raise me as a christian, a real one, not that averge – let's go to church on sunday – person. I always saw god as the one who leads me to strength, to real love and acceptance, as these are very hard to achieve things we people are too full of flaws to reach alone." Looking down on the kid with a hint of pain on his face Tyler sighed. "She has this strengh, this love in her...why does he make her suffer so bad then? What has she done to deserve this? If his message is love..." starting to ramble, but not finding enough words to tell all the questions he had Tyler ended with a simple. "Why?"

Starring into the fire the young lebanese tilted his head. "What is the most precious thing god gave us in your opinion?" Thinking about this for a while Tyler answered finally: "Our free will." "Right. And if he would intereferre in situations like hers...if he would punish that men, or would acces in their minds to change that...don't you think he would make take them the one precious thing that's distinguishing us?" The older went still then, his lips pressed to a thin line. "Thaer, I think giving us our free will left god with a price he had to pay. We have the decission to be good people or not, and he can't influence it, because, well, it would be kind of cheating. For a long time I thought he had lost his own game, because all the people I met had turned into monsters. But the older I got the more saints crossed my way. She's for sure one, as much as you are. People like the two of you are the cause god will be glad he gave us the choice...because you proove that mankind can do it." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The constant beating of his heart draw like a lifeline through his reality. Josh learned that he had been freed, moved, that his hands held sticks, worked. He was not aware of what he played though, he did not hear but feel that this was right, a perfect beat, a synchron motion. It felt his soul with energy and sparked joy in it, feeling himself dissolve into the crashs and bangs, his mind getting transcendental more and more. This was pure life, bottled up and given in an high dosage. Not knowing how long he flew under the surface Josh kind of woke up on the bed again, his hands no longer tied, a warm, naked body pressed against him. He couldn't move, nor speak, he was still too caught in his subspace, but he could get what she did, and it was so hot that he came just for this little fact. 

Taking his hand, guiding it between her legs Jenna started to please herself on his fingers, using his skin, his body, his being just for her pleasure and drove him insane. Biting down on his shoulder she finally reached her climax, moaning, threwing her head back, then going slack beside him. Exhausted, but happy to no end Josh managed to slid his arms around her then, pulled her close so she lay on top of him. There were no borders between their existences anymore. They had become one. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lightning another cigarette Rifaat leaned back on his hands and watched the dawn slowly rising over the mountains. "Can I ask you something?" the young man gave finally, after a gap of silence in their all-night conversation about hope and faith. "Yeah, of course, shoot." "What's the difference between Thaer and Tyler?" Chuckling lightly the older smiled. "Hey, weren't you the one telling me that concept is weird?" "It is but it seems to work for you so I'm curious." Shifting the girls weight a bit as his feet slowly got sour Tyler nodded. "I see. Well...Tyler is...I am...broken. There's something not right with me and for a long time I didn't knew what it was. Honestly? I thought I was crazy...and all my life I was treated like this. But then I learned that the thing that I couldn't grab had nothing to do with me as personality...but with what I experienced over here as a child." 

Sensing that the other had started to get introverted, nearly talked to himself Rifaat didn't even dare to suck on his cigarette so not to break the path of thoughts the older was following. "Thaers...my parents...they were killed in the aftermath of the civil war. I...saw it. I was with them when they cut them open like animals, ripped their insides out, spat and pissed on their dead bodies. I had forgotten it...or suppressed, I don't really know how you can delete something like this out of your mind...but in my soul, it was present, every fucking single day to the one I learned the truth. And then I saw it...everything. The way they grabbed my mothers hair, forced her down...raped her over and over while they made my father and me watch. The way they slid her throat and beat him to death with their rifles handles. The way their eyes glowed with insane pleasure, when they left me alone, to die between them. It all came back at once." 

Closing his eyes for a moment, finding strength in the warmth the girl beside him radiated, the way she seemed to find shelter in his arms although he thought of himself as weak, Tyler allowed the pain to take over, the first time since he had seen. "In the end...I don't know who I am anymore. I wish I was still Tyler, because I miss what I had. The life I lived...it's even more different to this then you think, Rifaat. I was not some pantaloon, kid of rich parents, that fooled around with music. Actually, I was in the middle of a world tour, selling out venues, playing for tenthousands of people. I was known, Rifaat, I was someone. And suddenly I found that the person they all look up to was not more then a lie, based on a traumatized kids coping mechanism. For the moment, Thaer is closer to me...and I don't know if that will ever change again." 

Letting his head fall aside tiredly Tyler saw the first warm colours of the sky, slowly rising. "So that's why you are here? To find out who you'll be in the end?" Nodding the singer let the warmth of the upcoming day fill him. The sun did rise...and he tried to live again. 

xxxxxxxxxxx

There was nothing left oft their friendship, Michael supposed, still he hope that at least the memory on the many years spent together would soothe Joshs reaction a bit. Standing before the drummers' appartment door he couldn't bring himself to knock for a long time, but finally decided that there was no other way. It took some time until Josh answered the door, long enough for the security to straigthen himself up, try to look not so much like a applicant, although that was exactly what he was, and he didn't even came for his own good. Not even giving him a little sign of attention Josh wanted to push the door shut again the moment he saw him, but Michael was quick to do a step forward and block it with his shoe. 

"Joshua, come on, just for a minute, ok?" he gave, softer then he had intended to, but it had it's effect. The drummer lowered the pressure on his foot and growled "What do you want!", but didn't let him in. "We need to talk. Your manager called me. Josh, if you tell them what you said, tomorrow in these interviews...it will be the end of everything the both of you have achieved. You're killing your own carrer!" Stumbling back a bit as the door was ripped fully open and Josh confronted him by closing in into his personal space Michael held on every nerv he had left not to throw the first fist. "And the fuck what? Better I kill it myself then I sit and watch Tyler do it!" "I understand you are angry at him, I am too but..." "NO! There is no but, Michael! He just left us back, doesn't care if we're going crazy of sorrow! He let the fans down, all this cancled concerts! He let me down, in the end." 

Shaking his head the security scoffed bitterly. "And the first thing you did was taking his wife in return! And now you really want to destroy the only thing he'll have left when he's coming back? Joshua, that's not fair! Break up the band, get Jenna divorced, but don't take Tyler his integrity! You were friends, Josh! He doesn't deserve this after all he has been through." There was sadness in the drummers eyes, only for the split of a second, but enough for the other to hook in. "We have never been told the full story of this, Josh. We don't know how much he remembers. He could have more memento then we think, and I don't even want to try to get in that mindset. His parents where killed, Joshua and he slept, eat, drank, cried fucking WEEKS long beside their dead bodys. I think there's literally nothing on this world Tyler can ever do to hurt us bad enough, so we could call any negativ act against him justified."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"So, of course, the one thing we're all most curious about is: Where is Tyler?" Smiling genuine Josh crossed one leg leg over the other and folded his hands on his knees so their tremble wasn't so visible. He could feel Jennas gaze in his back, ensuring him, whispering him that she would be there to catch him, ground him in her arms again. "Well...we are aware that all of this must have been quiet a shock for our fans, but unfortunatly I can't give you any answers today." "But you approved...!" "Yes I did, because I want to tell you all that Tyler and me both have to clear some deep personal issues, independent from each other. The one thing that always was like a foundation for our fanbase was trust. And we ask you all to trust us. It's not that we don't want you to tell what happened...it's that we are not just yet ready to do so."

Shutting his mouth the interviewer sat back, let him talk, as he sensed that this was better then any question he could ask and would sell like warm bread. "At the moment...we are both struggling to stay alive, in a metaphorical spoken way. We will need your support, when we've finally pushed through it, and come back so we can play that shows we cancled. And that's the one thing that is for sure: We will come back. I promise."

 

* desistere = stop that  
* tacere! = Be quiet!


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, Folks, busy times...

"So the coordinates you gave me are about half an hour up there. Thing is, the road is getting really bad so we'll have to walk." Pulling one of their large packbacks out of the trunk Rifaat wanted to ramble on, but was stopped by a hand on his arm as he wanted to put out the second one as well. "I'm walking. You stay here." Shooting the girl, who never went far astray from him, a glance Thaer braced for his guards protest. "Oh no, man, I stay right by your side! You didn't pay me so I let you kill yourself up there." "I'm not planning to kill myself." "But you will!" Giving his speech a little overdramatic touch the young lebanese threw his hands in the air. "No offense Thaer, but you're a fucking rockstar! You don't expect me to think you know how to survive out in the open on your own?" Chuckling the older started to check the packback then, always feeling the intendend eyes of the girl on him. 

"Rifaat, chill, ok? I'll only be up there for like a night and I did camp when I was younger, so I guess I'll manage to stay alive for twelve hours." Slowly giving up his resistance as he already had learned how stubborn the other was Rifaat growled something inapprehancable and started to rummage through the trunk again while Thear pulled the strings of the packback closed again, satisfied with his survey of the insides. Kneeling in th e shadow of the jeep he made eye contact with the girl then. She sat only a few feet away, in the sun, like the heat wouldn't even bother her, not taking her eyes of him at any minute. Tyler knew he had to communicate with her in any way, or she would follow him. Giving her a small smile, his heart warming as she did just the same, he stood up again just in time with Rifaat turning. 

"Have you ever fired a gun, pal?" The question came out of nowhere and Thaer did the tranistion in no time, took over. "Yeah, once, with my grandpa. Why?" "Because you know how it works then." Gripping his hand and placing a pistol in it Rifaat gave him a conspirational look. Tylers initial reaction was to let the gun fall, but Thaer closed his fingers around the handle and balanced it in his hand. "You are probably right and there will be nothing...just...be careful, ok, and don't hesitate to use that if necessary!" Still pensivly eyeing the cold steel in his hand Thaer stretched his free one out and placed it on the olders shoulder, where he gave a quick squeeze as a silent thank you before he reached behind himself an placed the gun in the back of his pants, just like he had seen Rifaat do it. Turning he gave the girl a sign then and she rushed to them, evidently thinking she would acompony him. 

"Rifaat, I know this might be an a little strange thing to ask for, but I need to tell her to stay here and that she can trust you..." Tilting his head the younger felt an odd feeling creeping in his bones. He couldn't really pinpoint it, but Thaers whole body language seemed to change. His normal lightly crooked shoulders where straigthened, his eyes pierced through his own and Rifaat found it hard to withstand as he got on in a calm but yet covetous voice. "Could you please kneel down for a moment?" The young mans knees hit the floor before he could even think of a no, his brain reacting on something he couldn't explain. It wasn't that Thaer was intimidating or threatning...there was just something in the air that made his absolute dominance clear, somthing that told Rifaat to do better then argue right now. Breathing heavily the young lebanese tilted his head to the ground and waited for what was to come, flinching on the sudden contact of small hand with his hair. 

Slowly, carefully Tyler had taken the girls hand and placed it on top of the head of his friend, smiling down at her. "I have to go for a while. You will stay with him. He is safe." Despite of knowing she couldn't understand his words Tyler was confident she got the meaning as her eyes lit up a bit and she sat down beside Rifaat, leaning her head agains his shoulder. Letting out a deep breath the singer closed his eyes for a second and assambled his mental weapons. "Good. Rifaat..." Like a spell broken the young lebanese shifted in his position, got more comfortable, wrapped his arm around the girl absently. "Thank you f..." "No, stop!" "Hey, I just wanna..." Holding up a hand the younger shook his head. "Seriously, Thaer, go! Don't thank me until you're back safe. I want you to have a reason to return." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Standing at the balcony naked Jenna watched crude lightning bolts ripping the night sky. A rush of cool air hit her skin, a herald of the chilling that was about to come when the tension of the air would already brake into rain. Crinkling her nose on the sweetly scent that reached her a second before she could feel Joshs skin pressing against her she tilted her head to the side as he took a deep draft of the joint in his hand and leaned in as if to kiss her, filled her lungs with smoke as she eagerly inhaled. Letting it pass between them for a while they finally set it free to the air and kissed instead, all of their senses running on high volume, their systems spinning. 

Licking his way down her neck Josh growled into her skin. "Let's get inside. The rain is coming." Turning in his arms she took the drug out of his hand, took another hit, then killed it at the rails and threw it to ground before she wrapped her arms around his neck, enjoyed how their forms sliding together so perfectly. Letting her hands roam she tryed to reach every inch of him while she starred deep into his eyes. "No, let's stay here a bit. I...like the electricity!" Crooking a brow Josh pulled her even closer by her hip then, earning a small gasp as his alread half hard member was pressed against her. "My girl is into dangerous things, hm? I think I can work with that!" he gave with a smirk and pushed her back a bit, so she leaned against the railing, while his hands dropped on her back to her ass, squeezing it, making her moan in anticipation. 

A close thunder rang in their ears and should have startled them at least a bit, but they were already too lost into the desire for each others touch. Wrapping her long legs around him Jenna gripped the rail as she felt him supporting her weight, bit her lip not to cry out too loud as he entered her. The first thick drops of rain hitting her skin, leaving traces on her, ran down her sides and added a tickling feeling to the sheere overwhelming twists her gut did on the drummer harsh, quick moves inside of her. Another thunder cracked with a lightning above them and she let go of the rail, lunged foreward, gripped his neck. Turning them around in perfect sync Josh splayed her out on a table, grabbed her thighs, pulled her closer to the edge and drove into her with just more force. 

When the clouds finally broke and rain washed over them, soaking them to their bones, Jenna threw her head back and spread out her arms, moaning, cursing freely, without any restrains, any hold back. This was being alive, feeling the essence of it in every little fibre of her body. Wrapping her legs around his hip once more, grapping his shoulders and pulling him into a wild, hungry kiss, she finally screamed his name out when her climax rolled over her with the symphony of natures rage in the background.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"What is it?" Reading his friends features well Mark stepped loser to peek on the letter Michael had just opened. They knew it was kind of a crime to read Tylers mail but this seemed urgent so they had decided to do it after a long discussion. "A catastrophe!" the security snorted and handed the paper to the other. "Two weeks hold-up....needs to be at the show in New York...otherwise procecution submitted..." shaking his head the videographer looked up at the older who had slumbed down on the couch. "What does this mean?" Drapping his arm over his eyes to avoid the sharp pierce of light in his already hurting head Michael sighed. "Fueled by Ramen gives him a countdown. He has two weeks left, then they want him to resume the tour. If he doesn't show up to the next sheduled concert in New York, they are going to sew him. The both of them." "They can't just..." "They have contracts, Mark, and every right to do so." Looking concerned down and the sheet in his hand the videographer balled his free hand into a fist. "Is there nothing we can do?" Peeking out from under his arm Michael tried to give him a weak smile. "We can pray, my friend. Sometimes god is actually listening." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thaer took his time for the ascendency, made sure to not leave Tyler behind somewhere along the way. It was a bright day, blue skys, the sparse vegetation blooming in full beauty, the noises of birds and the wind soothingly soundtracking the world. Nothing sparked in him, when he finally reached a lift, stopped at the sight of some ruins not all too far away. This was where his home should have been. This was were he was born to. Sensing long ago that there wouldn't be that one epiphamy the moment he set his foot on this ground Thaer was patient for his emotions to return. He pushed himself to walk on, closed in on the shattered houses, until he just had to reach his arm out to touch the cold stone. Letting his fingertips run along the wall he rounded the first ruin, until he came to a door, but didn't enter yet. 

Turning around he took the enviorenment in. It was a small village, not more then ten houses that have stood there, not more then foundation walls left of a few of them. They were aligned along a central place, where people had come together. Thaer could nearly see them moving around there, talking, doing their daily chores, the simple ones just to stay alive. Closing his eyes he resumed to feel the texture of the world around him then, tried to dig deep into his muscles memory of the place, let his body lead him ways it had gone for at least three years, in his most engraving state of mind. Unsure first, a little steadier later his feet brought him over bumps and holes in the ground, the ones they remembered, the ones that were new, until he made halt, took a deep breath, opened his eyes again and found himself at the entrance of one of the houses in the further back o the village. 

Connecting with his past Thaer reached out a shaking hand, layed it on the doorframe, felt imidiatly that he was right here, that this was the place the journey he had taken had begun. Debating with himself for a moment he decided that he would not face this alone. They had to do it together. They had to find a way to cope with each other, as they would be spending their lifes together till the end of their days. Standing side by side Tyler and Thaer took a step foreward, left the sunlight and entered into the shadows of a past that had changed both of their ways. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fumbling with his lighter Rifaat took out another cigarette, stopping in the motion when he got the girls stare on him. Tilting his head and furrowing his brow he reached the package out to her. "Want one?" There was no reaction on her side, she just kept starring, so he put the cigarettes away and resumed to light his one. "You're not very talkative, aren't you?" he got on in arabic, leaning back on the side of the jeep, where they had found shelter of the harsh sun. He hadn't really expected an answer, so he nearly jumped when her voice came clear, steady. "He will leave us, won't he." "Nah, he'll be back in a few hours and then..." Shaking her little head furiously she cut him off. "That's not what I mean. He will leave us, later. He is not from here. He will go home." Realising that she was afraid Rifaat did his best to sound soothing then. "This is his home...partly. And yes, he will leave. But he will keep coming back, I'm sure of that. And hey..." nutching her in the side lightly with his shoulder the young lebanese felt warmth fill his heart as she granted him a smile, "I now it's not much, but I can be there meanwhile if you want." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pressing the plus sign button Josh sped the treadmill up and tried to ignore the pain in his calves. He needed to get his mind clear, free from all the poisonous substances and confusing things that constantly where thrown at him. The last weeks had felt like a dream, a sweet nightmare, an adventurous ride, but right now he just felt like falling. The countdown the label had sat made things unlasting, set an endstone to a story that he couldn't tell on his own. It was hard to trust somebody who had just vanished, and refused to talk to you. In a way Josh began to question the whole concept of faith because of this. Ripping his sticky shirt off his body he whipped the sweat from his forehead, sped up another time. 

Constant steps of feet, a beat, something to go by. Josh felt himself slipping low above the surface not crashing through though, it was too dangerous to do this on his own and he didn't wanted Jenna to mess with his mind right now. His lungs screaming for even more oxgene the drummer panted while he thought back to the beginnings of this, when he had first encountered their powerplay, learned about it. Back then he had been so cautious, just to get a victim along the way, got intrigued, pulled in. He wasn't sure if there was a way out already and if it wouldn't aquire to loose the peace he had found in her arms. But it made his heart sad that when he closed his eyes the first picture of her was the one getting done a on table, dirty and hard, without any love and finess, and enjoying it. 

Squinting his eyes a little, glad that his face was already too wet to tell his tears from his sweat he continued to drain himself to exhaustion. Josh knew this wasn't the way he wanted to love her, it had never been his style. It was just the desperation and the fear, telling him to make this about the power, not the soul, because deep inside he didn't believe that this would last. When Tyler came back Jenna would have to face him, and who knew if they wouldn't find a point to start from together again, they were married to each other after all. The drummer knew that, in this case, he wasn't supposed to fight, because he had already broke every single rule of friendship, and had to accept her free will. 

Still loosing her would be the death of him, after he had waited to find her for so long. Josh didn't stop when dark points started to dance before his eyes. He didn't stop when he felt his head going dizzy. The drummer sped up when his knees began to give out under him. There was nothing to catch his fall when he fainted and hit his head hard on the floor.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

@topupdating Josh is reported to be taken to ER

@islandofcrows what the frick is going on with the boys lately?

@tinamissestop guys, I really get scared on this! What if Tyler killed himself?

@vipnews24 21pilots drummer Josh Dun hospitalised in LA due unknown accident


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ur daily dosage friendly presented by my weird brain ;)

"So how bad is it?" "Mike, you know I can't tell you anything, right?" Shooting their crew doctor an annoyed glance the security just waved him off. "Crap! You know exactly well I'm going to find out anyway!" Sighing Dr. Andrews checked their surroundings before taking the others arm and dragging him into an empty surgery. "Ok, listen, you know normally I wouldn't even give you information if you'd threaten me, but this time I'm seriously concerned about Josh. I trust you to handle these sensitive, alright?" Well knowing he was talking to one, if not the best friends the musicians had, the doctor was satisfied with a simple nod as an answer and crossed his arms. "So...let me guess, he went out partying a lot in the past few weeks." "Did you find out yourself or just read the news?" Clicking his tongue Dr. Andrews did not react too much on the snarky comment. 

"Basically, nothing bad happened, he just fainted because he overworked himself and hit his head. We didn't even had to sew the cut, he'll get a few pain killers and will be on his way." Not feeling the slightest of relief Michael waited silently for more to come as he knew the doctor wouldn't be worried without a fundamental cause. "I did a routine blood check..." fixing the security with his eyes the Dr. Andrews growled: "Since when is he doing drugs?" It was a bang to his chest and Michael couldn't do other then curse then. "Fuck. I got no idea! What does he take?" "See," deciding that the security really had been clueless the doctor eased his posture. "that's the thing I'm worried about. I found like...everything. Seems he had quiet a time lately." "He's completly off since Tyler dissappeared." "I can imagine. There's no significant damage done until know, Mike, he's young and healthy, he can take a few slips. Just don't let him get addicted to that crap, ok?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

@mikesec Tyler, this will be my last message. If you won't answer to this I can't promise you to have your back anymore. I did what I can to keep things together over here, but everything is falling appart. They are falling appart. When you left you took Jenna and Josh their will to live. I suppose you know already they turned towards each other. I'm sorry I couldn't make them stop. Not only for you, for them too. Joshua has changed so much. He's slowly killing himself, Ty, and I can't watch it anymore. Jen is just the shadow of what she used to be, lying to herself, pretending that she loves him. Everyone left. Up to this day it's only Josh, Mark, me and a few others still calling us your crew. FBR calls like everyday, they are getting more and more nervous and I just don't want to lie to them anymore. Ty, you know I trust you and I would go to the end of the world for you, but if you keep shutting me out I need to back off. I'm not strong enough for all of this. I can't carry the burdens you had. It took me some while to realise that, how much YOU were the one keeping all of them together, giving them a purpose, helping them and healing their souls. They all thought it was you who were weak and needed to be cared for, and none of them realised that they gravitated towards you because THEY where the one in need. I myself knew that from the start, from the second you started to talk to me back then after endless weeks of silence. You gave me purpose, Tyler. The fat, stupid, clumsy kid suddenly had a friend he could take care for, who looked up to him. I protected you half of your life, and even if it was only from drooling fangirls, it made me so much stronger. Still, I'm not you, and I will never know how you were able to take all this, to give us all energy and lead us on, when you had needed comfort yourself. This is not a goodbye, Tyler, you know that I'd never turn my back on you completly, but this is a – until I see you again -, a temporary farewell. I'll try to pick up the pieces of what you shattered, but I'll leave it to you to put them back together again. I hope you stay alive, my fren.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

The worst hadn't even been the silence. In a strange kind of daydream Thaer could remember that he had wished for everything to be silent. The constant dull of the flys had been what had frigthened him most, when they flew around in swarms, made their homes in the flesh that once had been humans. He couldn't really grab his thougths, there were no constant memory, just flashes of emotions, of things he had seen and felt. Taking his hand Tyler stepped closer and took a deep breath as he started to share the experience. He had thought they were ill, badly badly ill. His mother hadn't answered his pleas after the men had went, she had just lay there on the floor, in a red sea slowly drying in the heat of the afternoon, her beautiful face slid open, her eyes cracked. It had been ok, he had granted her the rest after she had been handled so terrible. Laying down by her side he had waited, until the night came, until she was supposed to feed him, bring him to bed, but she didn't react when he told her he was hungry.

The memory cut off then, jumped to another spot in time. He was angry, so angry. He yelled at him, to stand up, to do something. His mother was ill and his dad didn't give a shit, of course, he looked ill himself, still...he was the one in charge. This was what he had been told, what he had seen. His father always took care of things but know he just ignored their misery, sitting in the corner with blood and vomit sticking dried on his face. Tears streaming down his cheeks, his whole body shaking of the force of this, he snatched a piece of metal, something that lay on the floor, threw it at him. Tyler whinced when the sharp thing sticked into the dead mans face, and Thaer stumbled back in horror. Pressing their both eyes closed the singer breathed deeply, slow, tried to count so he could reign his panick in. It worked surprisingly well and like waking up he entered reality again, found himself in the middle of a decayed room. 

There were no traces left, not after all these years. The sea of blood had faded into the grey mass of dust and sand on the floor. There was no smell of metal, of rotting flesh. There was no swarm of flies. For the first in a long time Tyler embraced the silence. He knew know what had been torning him appart inside, under the surface of what he had been able to see. Thaer had never accepted them to be dead. When the men came, the friendly one, the one that didn't yell...he hadn't wanted to leave his parents behind, but he was hungry and tired and cold and exhausted...he hoped they'd take care of his mother and father too. He was convinced he'd seen them again soon, when they had been treated and better. The boy had never said goodby. 

Over the years, he had been silent, surpressed by meds and therapy and just the way life used to be. But he had never forgotten. He had never given up hope. Thaer had been alone when his parent died. When he realised they were gone, Tyler was at his side. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tilting his head back a little Josh tried to find a comfortable position until the pain killers would hit. At least he could sit on the couch without the urgent need to puke like he had felt all day. This was probably the lowest point of his life, not even because of the injury or the fact he had just tipped. It was because he realised who he had become in such a short amount of time. The pull that began to call on him, his patience wearing thin, was nothing other then a proove for the growing addiction he developed, his internal substances already mixed up too badly to give his mind what he needed without external drugs. This was the road straigth to hell and he had seen so many people gong down there, overbearing convinced he'd never be one of them. 

Wishing the hand that slid into his neck and softly massaged the strained muscles there would soothe, him the drummer just found another trace of his insanity in it. This was Jenna. Jenna Joseph. His best friends wife. He had fucked his best friends wife. O god. What had he done. Dislodging her hand from him Josh leaned forward then, let his head sink into his hands. Quietly waiting for him to speak up Jenna cirlced the couch, sat down on the floor beside him, her chin resting on his thigh. "Are you in pain?" "Mhm." She felt that he was conflicted, that this was more then only the aftermath of his little accident, still she couldn't held back from trying. "I can make it go away easily if you want." Slowly her hand creeped up his leg, stroke his knee, wandered higher, but again he pushed her off in a nearly violent motion and sat back again, rubbing his eyes. "Jenna...I think I...made a mistake." 

Feeling her blood rush into her feet, her face getting pale the blonde clawed at her shirt. "Joshua, don't do this!" "Don't mistake me." Reaching out his arms for her, finding her grabbing them quick as she climbed into his lap carefully supporting her weight, Josh made sure to look deep into her eyes, but still leave some space between them. "I made a mistake in telling you we don't need to talk about this. I was wrong." Exhaling visibly Jenna relaxed into the arms that supported her back then and put hers on his shoulders, gently balancing herself on him. "Whatever you wanna talk about, just do never frighten me like that again, ok?" she asked, her blue eyes filling with tears and for a second he gave up on his willfull intent and leaned in to quickly kiss her, before he got on. 

"I think I love you Jenna. I really do. Not like in – wow our sex is amazing and I wanna keep it that way – but like in – I think I wanna spent my life with you -. I'm just not sure...if you feel the same. If we look at all this clinical..." streaking one of her strands back Josh tried not to let his voice break on that, "we both know that you're not with me because you can imagine growing old on my side. You're with me because I'm the closest thing to Tyler, the most familiar trace left of him. You miss him so freaking much that you rather do this with me than go insane on the feeling. And as much as I enjoy this and crave for your contact...I can't do this anymore, Jenna. Not if I can't be sure that I am really the one you want." 

Not breaking their stare they stayed like this for some minutes, searching theirselfs into each others eyes, before she blinked, pulled back, stood up. Josh let his hands slip away from her, didn't held her back as she went to their room, started to pack up her things. He did not stand up to argue, to convince her, there was no need to, this was not her ending things between them. When Jenna came back to him, leaning down, kissing him deep and longing, Josh foud hope for them in the way she smiled. "I will not tell you that you're not right, because you're way too important to be lied on. I will take my time to think about what you said. And I promise you, if I come back...you will be the only one on my mind." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Squinting his eyes to small slots Rifaat aimed and threw the small stone into the circle of the others. "Damn! You won again!" he exclaimed in fake upsetness, secretly enjoying the way the girl giggled and rolled on the ground beside him. She still hadn't told him her name or talked much, the only words ever left her mouth where when she was asking how much longer it would take Thaer to come back, but she had loosened up a lot over the past few hours. Slowly abandoning his hard shell the young man had started to make up games he could entertain her with and found comfort in the effortlessly amusement as well. Rifaat couldn't even remember when he had lastly spent time just off, just enjoying himself. Days and weeks of work had piled up to months and years since he first had been forced to earn his own money. 

Rifaat had forgotten how it felt to just be alive and was more then surprised he found back to it here, out in the open, far away from everything people used to call hapiness, in a simple moment, by throwing a stone on the ground. Letting his eyes wander down the trail they had driven he freezed as he caught a reflection of the suns bright shine in something. Standing up slowly, shielding his eyes he took a closer look and felt his heart sink. The girl had become quiet on the ground beside him, she sensed that there was something wrong. Slowly backing up a few steps Rifaat hissed down on her. "Go, hide in the back of the car!" Hesitating she followed his gaze but went into action when he got louder. "Fuck, do what I say! Hide, now!" More crawling then running away she took off then, ripped the Jeeps door open and vanished into the back, pulling bags and blankets aside first, over her form later, while Rifaat strolled to the drivers door, took a knife and his gun out and hid the latter in his pants. 

Wandering back to the fireplace he sat down then and took a wood blocking, started to carve innocently with his knife on it, while he tried to not let the car that slowly creeped up the way out of sight. The closer they came the more obvious it was that he had seen right, this where soldiers, the ones that were responsible for the refugee camps. Rifaat breathed deeply, calmed himself. Slowly he slipped back into his shell, into the cold, hard layer of sarcasm and humour that he used to hide in and didn't stop to carve the wood as they finally stopped behind the jeep. Three men, all of them heavy-armed, left the car and walked over, one of them directly heading for the jeep. Placing short prayer in his head Rifaat tried not to act nervous, not to give them away. The other two men reached him, one of them taking place before him, the other behind and the young lebanese knew he was dead the second he looked the one before him in the eyes. "Hello, my friend!" The soldier greeted him in arabic, smiling broadly down at him. "Will you tell me where the little whore and the other asshole are or will you do me the favour and lie?" 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

The sun blinded their eyes as they stepped out of the house together. Tyler tried to take the lead as sensible as he could, as he felt the other slowly fading, melting into him more and more. Slowly he walked them over to a small cliff, a little behind the houses. There where hummocks of stone, neatly placed above each other and when he came closer he could see the pattern that had been created by the usage of black and white stones. Starring down at it in awe, feeling another knot of memory dissolving Tyler touched his shoulder, where the sign where replicated, craved into his skin. This had been the last thing he saw before they had taken him away, into a life as another person, out of the fate he had been commited to. Since he had learned what had happened, who he really where, there had been that one question torturing his mind, if god had thought of him as someone special so he spared him and made sure he stayed alive.

Sitting down in front of the gravewall Tyler crossed his legs and folded his hands then. He did not pray, he did not ask for an explenation. He overthough, he looked at things from different perspectives. In the end he felt like god had not known if he would grew into someone who'd carry his words inside and spread it to the world. He had only hoped, and gave him the permission to live, just based on the possiblity of him becoming a good person. Tyler was thankfull someone had put that trust in him, all his life, in all his darkest hours. Now, he decided, it was time to life up to it.


	25. Chapter 25

The click of the door falling shut echoed through the empty hall and fell back on her, audibly marking the lonliness that lingered in these rooms. This had been their home, their safe place to go to, until she had decided to leave the security of their relationship behind and swim out into the open. Jenna felt like a stranger when she set her bag down and wandered further into their rooms, into the kitchen. Relucantly she took a glass out of the counter and filled it with water, sat down on a a stool at the bar, felt uncomfortable to do so and only lasted a few minutes before she got up again and started to wander around the house. 

She strolled by the pictures of their family and wedding in the hallway, sat down at his piano, tipped a few of the keys, smelled on the flowers they kept in the wintergarden and their parents still took care off, despite both of them gone. Going upstairs she entered the bathroom, reordered their toiletries new, polished a single spot of toothpaste off the mirror. Finding herself in their bedroom finally, Jenna slowly started to strip, took off all her close, lowered herself on their bed, on her back, starring at the ceiling. Trying to remember how it had felt to be here with him, have him near, she found herself feeling nothing on it, all their time not being more then a pleasent memory. It was sad and not fair, and there was nothing he had ever done to deserve it. Still she couldn't stay as she had realised that she never really had loved him, but the way he treated her. 

Sitting up again her gaze fell on herself in the mirror of the dresser across the room. People wouldn't believe, but she had never been one to like looking at herself. Jenna had never asked for being pretty. Now, finding a certain beauty in the way her eyes where puffed and tired, lines of sorrow visible on her normally so perfect skin, she began to ask herself if, after all this years, maybe she herself was the one person she was supposed to start to love. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hating himself for showing weakness as he closed his eyes for a second when he heard the girl cry behind him, Rifaat made sure that his posture stayed upright. He had his hands folded behind his head, knelt on the ground, while the soldier before him where smiling down at him even broader now. "Oh, look who we found!" With a dull sound the kid collided with the ground beside him and imidiatly crawled up to him, pressing herself against his body, hoping for protection. Rifaat would have loved to do nothing more then take her in his arms, but he knew he couldn't move an inch if he wanted at least to save her life. While the other two started to rip the jeep apart the oldest of the men stayed with them, his gun pointed at the girl as he knew this was the easiest way to keep his hostage in check. 

"So, where's the other one?" Shaking his head Rifaat replied the first time since they had appeared. "There is no one. I was alone." he spit, bitterly remembering the old men in the village they had passed. "Found it!" one of the others cut in walking over to them and handing the leader a passport. "Tyler Joseph." Giving the man on the ground a questioning look he waved with the document. "An american? Is he a spy? Did you betray your country, son of a bitch?" Looking down to the ground Rifaat braced himself for what he knew that was coming, so he didn't take the first kick in his rips all to hard, just doubled over but did not fall to ground. "Answer me! Where is the Yankee?" Pressing his lips to a thin line Rifaat just spit at the older mans shoes, earning another kick in the process. This one was aimed at his head and did send him down, dust and blood filling his mouth as a boot was placed on his cheek and just applied enough pressure to hold him still. 

"What do we got here? A pistol? How sweet, what did you plan, poke me with it?" Increasing the pressure the soldier grinned down at the girl that curled up in herself terrified and gestured the other s over. "Well I think if you're that stubborn we might want to try to make that little whore talk." 

With an violent motion the soldier yanked the girl up on her hair so she knelt before him. "Where is he?" the man yelled at her, but she just starred ahaed, with broken eyes, not a single trace of the glimpse left Rifaat had started to see in them. Slapping her so hard that her head was swung to the side the soldier repeated his question, got again no answer. As he raised his hand again the young lebanese took all his strengh together and gave him a loud. "NO! Stop!" Looking at him in anticipation the man grinned. "You got something to tell me?" Still lying in the dust, knowing he probably would not survive this Rifaat came to terms with that Thaer wouldn't have wanted it any other way. He would have done anything to save that girl, so he would understand the betrayel as the act of sacrifice it was. "He's up there, in the old village. He's alone." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

@vipnews24 Tyler Josephs identity crisis: Read more about the cruel story behind the singers dissapearing!

@TOPNews People, this is big! We decided against sharing the link to the article and ask you kindly to respect Tylers privacy! Stay calm, frens!

@thereinthetrees what is that crap? Has anyone ever heard off that Ty is adopted?

@katesquietnonviolent Holy shit! Is this real? Tyler isn't even Tyler?

@allmykidsareheathens hey, @kellyj can you confirm that? Is Tyler your son?

@twentyoneairplanes Wow, I can see why he took off now. Must have been a shock.

@noconcertforme Great, and that's why I didn't get my concert? Man up, I was adopted as well, so WTF?

@arentweallalittleblurry I'm in tears! Have you guys read that (link to article) ? I just wanna hug him right now

@wearethebrokenpeople So everyone lied to him his whole life? Can relate buddy, can relate!

@myhappyboys What's with the band now? And this doesn't explain where he is!

@iwanttodie That's why he left us behind? I'm dissapointed, Tyler! 

@positivethoughts Could you all please just chill! Imagine how he feels right now and all you guys do is asking about the band!

@ohiofan But why is Jenna in LA with Josh? Do they really....ya know?

@scaredofuncertainceilings Fact is, he just could have told us! It's not like we wouldn't have understood. But he cancled everything. Real shitty move.

@realbeermedia (link to website document)

 

OPEN LETTER TO THE CLIQUE

I've stayed silent for long now...maybe for too long, but with the recent developments and (please forgive me for forgetting my good education, mum) the fact that these fuckers of journalist had nothing better to do then share some of the most private informations of one of my best friend, I think it's about fucking time I give my voice on this.

First of all: No, Tyler isn't dead as some people assumed. It's true that we don't know where he is exactly at the moment, but as you guys know now why he needed some time on his own I think it's perfectly ok that way. 

Second: Tyler IS Tyler! I don't understand why some of you, who haven't maybe even ever seen him other then on a picture think you have the right to judge about him as a person, or any right to receive information about his state of mind, or what he plans to do in his personal life or, or, or. 

YOU ARE FANS!!!! Nothing more, nothing less!!! It'S NOT your buisness if he's sad about this or lucky or whatever. It's NOT your buisness what is going on between him and his family right now. It's fucking NOT your buisness what Jenna and Josh are doing. Unless any of them wants it to be for you. 

This band means a lot to all of you, I'm aware of that. I know many of you think you couldn't go on without them, but you know what?`You will! Because Regardless if Tyler will ever return and TOP will ever play a concert again....YOU WILL FUCKING MAKE YOUR WAY! You don't need him! You don't need them! You have found so much friends, you all prooved each other wrong of that this world is full of people who are not like you. YOU are the real magic behind this band! Tyler helped you all to built that, but it was never his task to hold this up through all of your lifes. 

He has to take care of his own life now, without being considerate of what this means to you. So please, just leave him alone! Give him the time and space to come to terms to this. Tyler Joseph has done so much for all of you...the least you can give him back is respect. 

Mark

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Deleting the – I miss you – he had typed from his screen without sending it Josh sat his phone aside and starred at the wall in front of him. His world was starting to tumble down now, although it had been already shattered months ago, when they started this. Still he had tried to keep his drive, to go on, to not let himself being stopped by all of this. For the first time in weeks his mind slowed down alongside his heart, for the first time in days he was clean again, nothing circling in his system that could dilute the emotions. Josh had expected to feel empty, drained, but he was so full, so overflowing, guilt and shame and fear and sadness exploding in his chest, ripping appart his soul on the thought that, with his insane longing to find company he had ripped appart everything they had, which left all of them alone.   
It hurted even more then it had back then, when they all had been happy, when Tyler and Jenna had been so perfect, when they still had been friends. There more the drummer looked around mentally the more he saw what he had lost. Michael, Mark, the crew...his family. Everyones respect would be gone when they realised how far he had taken this just for feeling a little loved, when they all would have comforted him if he'd just ask. Josh didn't pitty himself as he started to cry, he was not that kind of man who didn't stand up to his mistakes at all, but he cried for the ones he had hurted, for the hole all of this would leave in their lifes. Backwards, when there had been thoughts like this, they had talked, for hours, on the phone or huddled up against each other somewhere in a corner, Tylers constant rasp voice calming him down, making him believe that life was still worth it, that he still could improve. 

Now, all on his own, the drummer couldn't withstand the whispers and shouts of his own brain, telling him how worthless he had become after braking all rules of human behaviour. Like in trance he rose from his bed and walked over to the kitchen, leaning against the counter for a moment, watching his tears falling down and pooling up to a small sea. He wondered if he should leave a note to anybody, at least to Tyler, to say sorry for what he had done, but decided that it was lost afford for something that couldn't be erased. Pulling the counter open and taking out a sharp knife Josh hoped the mess wouldn't be too hard to clean up from the cold white tiles around him.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The dawn came softly up here, where he could watch the sun set slowly. Tyler didn't fear the night, it was more the morning that made his heart beat faster, when he thought about going back into his world, returning from the point zero he had made with himself. He hadn't checked up on his messages anymore and doubted the phone would still work, so he didn't even look at it, but he knew that there would be a mess of questions and fights and hate and love when he would get back. And, which ever way it went, his life would never be the same. In a way he would be a stranger to all of them, everyone who had been close, and if years of friendship and trust would be able to overcome that wasn't quiet sure. 

But there was more waiting, all this people, all this fans, the whole world. It would take a lot to make it up to them that he had vanished, and still not bend himself too much, as he knew now that it was important to tell them another message, one that was slightly different to the one he had told them before. Tyler still wanted them all to go on and fight their demons, but it was no longer for him. This world needed people who thought, people who felt, who's hearts and souls hadn't turned into stones yet, who weren't catched in a space of time and not able to improve, who overcame religion and tradition and the usual ways to find new ones. 

He needed them to go out there and DO, change the world. Never had he wanted to be a leader but he had learned now that maybe this was the highest qualification a man could have. With the last few rays of the sun painting his sourroundings blood red he stood up and turned, wanted to get ready for the night, spent it inside the house that was once his to continue the process of dispanding, but a movement at the edge of his sight caught Tylers attention. While he took time to wonder what that man on the other side of the place was up to, his second alter ego already had send his body into a cover, let him crawl behind a near wall up to the next building, where he carefully took a look around the edge. The stranger slowly walked in between the houses, his hands claped thigth to an automatic riffle, his eyes searching for signs of movement. Resiling Tyler leaned his back on the wall, panted, tried to calm down. He was not sure why, but he knew this man was looking for him. Slowly his hand found it's way to the gun in the back of his pants, pulled it out, placed it against his shaking thigh, his finger slipping on the trigger. Closing his eyes for a moment Tyler marveled if this was the lesson he was here for. This time, he'd have to fight for real to stay alive.


End file.
